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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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i have been dating this guy for going on 5 years has been ...

Customer Question

i have been dating this guy for going on 5 years has been married twice, one daughter. His last relationship was terrible to the point if he was getting home the woman would put notes on the door telling him to sleep down stairs. He indicated he got himself together to stand up to her. He was in love with her and at times her mother would intervene and get into his business with this woman. That was the final straw and he broke up with her. He met me were very attracted to each other still are but he still has closed his heart to the point where he wants me but at times pushes me away. I do not go anywhere because he feels why would I be the one when he has failed a couple of times in relationships. I dont want to make excuses for him but how do i get him to step it up with out pressing him. He is a wonderful guy; very compatible but seems even with me to give his heart up again. It has been about him this last years now I want results.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello ck

What are your ages?

How long was he married each time? What ages did he get married?

In the 5 yrs you've been together have you cheated on him or hurt him?

Has he cheated on you or hurt you?

Has he ever gotten therapy?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am 43 he is 41. I have never been married no children. He go married at 18 before going into the Navy. That ended about 2 yrs. The second marriage last 7 years when he was 28. He was attached to the stepson who died of cancer and he is not divorce but separated. I ask him all the time why are you getting a divorce he says that is in the works. Before I met him he was living with a woman i just spoke of a year. Before that he was living with a woman for 5 years and has a tatto of her on his arm. So he loves deeply. I have never cheated on him. I feel in love with the first time i met him. He has been through woman and I feel he is very scared with me. I have been their for him and been very very patient because i see he is a wonderful man. I know he has had woman or has woman friends. He says some of them are woman he has never slept with and some he has. Since he knows i have not slept with anyone since i met him. He now says I am the one he has been with. He indicated to me that he did go to a counselor maybe twice. Our last conversation the other day he went into more detail with his last relationship. Although it has been years since he been with her the woman still calls his house to talk to him mother he ask him mother to stop talking to her. He loves him mom and respects her but woman in his past seem to think they can call him mother when it is not ok to him. Sorry so long. I ask to meet his mom he wont until he is very sure of marriage. I have met his brother and male friend.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi are you still looking over my answer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello ck,

Thank you for the additional info. He sounds like he's been through an awful lot with his past relationships. By the same token, you have been with him now for a long time now, and there should be some element of trust that has built up. Hopefully he is somehow seeing that you are not like that, and that over this amount of time you have shown him that you are on his side and not willing to hurt him in any way. The only way to really move forward from this is to talk to him consistently and let him know that you've been hurt, we've all been hurt, but at some point we have to learn to trust again.

Additionally, you are not the one who hurt him, so it's unfair to punish you for the sins of other people. He made the decision to be with those people, and yes they hurt him...but again, it wasn't you. It may be good for him to seek therapy or counseling again, to see if he can overcome his fear of being hurt, and learn ways to deal with you more openly.

It might be a good idea, if he's open to it, to sit down and write what about his hope and fears for the relationship. What does he hope will come out of the relationship? What are his fears about the relationship? You can also ask him questions, such as, do you think I would hurt you? Have I shown you that I won't hurt you? What would it take for you to trust me? Do you have a time frame on trust? Do you think I have been hurt? Do you think I should hold you to the standards of other men? Or blame you for things they did wrong? And see what his responses are.

You can only be you, and he can only be him, but after a certain point, you'll have to decide how long you are willing to wait, how long you are willing to be kept at arms length while he decides whether or not to trust you, and how long you will have to pay for others mistakes.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you ms chase. I am glad you can see what i am trying to accomplish with him. It can be hard at times to have unconditional love. But i have been hurt myself and trust was my issue. But when i met him i chose to stick it out for this lenght of time to allow myself to fall in love and if i got hurt i could handle it.
He has come a long way inching and inching. I have to tell him i miss him and that he is important to me. Recently i told him i would never treat him that way. We we argue or debate i can see it scares him. I do not raise my voice but i can see the other woman did. So he doesnt know how to take me. I get mad and he does but we do not let it fester for long. We do not like not talking to each other. Our communication is very good it is his willingness to step out and give me a full chance. I pray to God and times when i wanted to date others i did not want to give up on him. Yes i have to make a choice and i know he senses it.

Thanks again.

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