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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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My boyfriends ex-wife is crazy! I have told him many

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My boyfriend''s ex-wife is crazy! I have told him many times that for everyone''s sake, there needs to be a schedule for sharing custody fo the kids and it needs to be followed. Whenever his ex has money problems, she starts threatening to have a nervous breakdown. Add the fact that my boyfriend and I are selling the house she abandoned (for a profit - after spending $60k fixing it up), and she has become quite unstable. She is a manic depressive person and has broken down in their joint counselling session saying that she doesn''t know if she "can do this anymore". She wanted my boyfriend to take the kids for an extra week, and he agreed. My boyfriend promised me he would discuss things with me BEFORE agreeing to anything, but he didn''t. This isn''t the first time. Not only did he agree to take them for an extra week, he led me to believe it was only the two nights while she was out of town. I''m tired of her "holding us hostage" and forcing us to do what she wants. What do I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-How long have you been together?

-What are your ages?

-What are the ages of the children?

-Can you get custody of the children?

-Is the ex on any kind of medication for depression?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: We have been together for over four years now.

I am 34, he is 42.

My children are 14 and 11, his are 11 and 8

We have tried to maintain the 50/50 split. I'm sure that we could make an application to court to get custody. Their children's therapist would probably agree that they should be with us.

I'm not sure if she is on meds. I know she has back problems - she was on pain meds for her back a while ago.

<sigh> My boyfriend and I have this argument everytime she wants us to take them when it is her turn to have them. In October, they finally were granted a divorce. At that time, the fight left her and she said she didn't want to go for full custody and she would abide by the 50/50 schedule. Now she's claiming that we're ripping her off and she can't afford to have the kids. She doesn't handle money very well, and probably has all of her credit maxed. When she feels backed into a corner, she attacks my boyfriend and bullies him into taking the kids. The son has ADHD and ODD, and the little girl is just as bad, but no diagnosis. They are a handful and I enjoy my break from them. What my problem is, is this:

I am tired of my boyfriend "giving in" to her demands. He says that he enjoys the 50/50 schedule and that denying her, or pushing back in any way will force our hand to go for custody - and he doesn't want that. He says that he is acting in my "long-term" best interests. Basically, short-term pain for long-term gain. I don't see it that way. I have tried to explain to him how I feel and why I feel that way, but he just DOESN'T GET IT. He is MY boyfriend now, he is no longer HER husband. He should be wanting to please ME instead of HER. I don't know how to get him to understand me. I don't know what to do. Leaving him is not a possibility. We love each other a lot and have a ESP-esque relationship that neither of us have experienced before. The ONLY thing we fight about is this. And we have fought this exact same fight MANY times now. I don't know how to end the cycle....HELP.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

I think the counseling will be good for you as a family to be able to cope with the pressure the ex wife puts on you. Your boyfriend is just going to have to put his foot down as far as the ex wife is concerned because she is just that THE EX WIFE! You are his future and if you want a future without all of the stress your boyfriend has to make his ex be stronger and not depend on him anymore his only concern is the children now. Make her abide by what she said as far as 50/50 when she asks him to take them his answer should be no find a babysitter or a family member to watch them he doesn't have to take them whenever she get fed up with them.

Your boyfriend has allowed himself to be her crutch for too long now and if you want to have a happy relationship without fighting over her and her needs then you will have to tell him that you will not take this anymore either he put your needs ahead of his exes needs then your relationship is always going to be stressed. The ex seems like an attention seeker and that the threats are just that threats so that he will feel bad and bend over backwards for her, if he shows her that he isn't going to do that anymore then she will realize that he is not her meal ticket or her way of getting rid of her responsibilities(meaning HER children). Maybe you should have a talk with the ex wife one on one and tell her that the only reason she should talk to your boyfriend is if something is wrong with the children and that your boyfriend is no longer any of her concern.

Suggest that your boyfriend allow you to answer the phone when it is her so that he won't feel bad and give into to her demands. If you don't make the ex stand on her own two feet then you will always be her crutch and you don't want that for the rest of your life or until their children are 18 and on their own. Stand your ground as far as this is concern she will get tired of talking to you and not bother you anymore. Just keep communications open for the children sake but not for her own selfish gains. Good luck and if you still need me I am here.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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