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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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How do I deal with a man that I love very much after he has ...

Resolved Question:

How do I deal with a man that I love very much after he has cheated on me. How do I get past the hurt and get my self estem back?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

hello shelly

How long have the two of you been together?

How old are the two of you?

How many times did he cheat? How did you find out?

Does he still want to be with you?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: We have been together for 4 years. We are both 49 years old. He did this only once that I know of. I found him in a computer dating service. He says he wants to be with me and he is really pushing us to buy a house together. But I'm not sure at all about cross dressers and I'm not sure where that can lead either.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Shelly,

Thank you for that additional info, I will need to ask you a couple more questions if you don't mind?

Was the dating service men for women?

Is this an issue of him wanting to be with men, or is it just the crossdressing? Or have you even asked him that?

How does he want you to deal with the crossdressing, does he want you to embrace it, or is he saying he won't do it anymore?

Did he have his own clothes or was he wearing yours?

Can you tell me more about the cheating incident? Did he sleep with someone? How long was it going on?

Any other info you give me will be helpful

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Chase,

The dating service is for men and women. The service is true.com. I have asked him about him wanting to be with men, and he was very serious when he said no. He said that he wants to enjoy being a cross dresser with me. I even asked him if he wants to be with more than one woman at a time, and he said never. He wants for me to enjoy it with him. He has his own clothes. Everything from wigs to makeup. I was with him when he bought most of these things. I think that the cheating incident went on for about 4 months before I caught him. He told me that she was just a friend, and that he did not sleep with her. Of course I don't believe that. I think it went as far as him asking her for some kind of a relationship, but I don't think that she felt the same way about him. He won't talk to me about it at all. He gets very angry.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Shelly,

I'm a little confused. You said you dound out he was a crossdresser, did you find this out, the same time as the cheating?

Are you ok with him being a cross dresser since you went with him to buy female items?

Does him being a crossdresser turn you on?

You are the one finding out these things, why is he getting angry?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I found out that he is a cross dresser right after he stopped seeing this woman. I am not really ok with the cross dressing. We took a trip to spend a few days together with no phones or pagers. I wasn't aware of what his intentions were. The first thing he wanted to do was to purchase breasts. And it went from there. Prior to him cheating on me, he would sometimes wear womans underware, bras and nightys to bed. I asked him why he did that and he told me that he liked the way they felt. I just tried to ignore it. I don't really care if he wants to wear womens clothes, but it does not turn me on. When we go to bed I want him next to me, not her. I'm not to sure why he gets mad when I try to talk to him about her, but I think it's because I caught him. Although he won't say to much when I tell him what I think happened he gets mad because I'm right. I'm not to sure about that though. He says he wants to put everything behind us and move on.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Shelly,

Thank you for that information, it was helpful. You are dealing with different scenarios here, and I'll address them individually and then talk about how they are related.

The cross dressing is a concern because I'm not sure if he's being totally honest about it. It's strange to me that he would just out of the blue decide to purchase breasts with no prior indication, and that you would accept it. Most women would have freaked out, maybe even left, but you didn't? Perhaps you suspected something already? By allowing him to make these purchases and wear them around you, you sent him the message that you are willing to accept it. There's nothing wrong with accepting it if you are actually accepting it, the problem is, if you accept it, then you can't accept it sometimes and not other times. Cross dressing doesn't mean he's gay, but it still requires a level of acceptance from you.

As for this other woman, he has no right to become angry at you, you were not the one who cheated. If anything, he should be trying to prove to you that he made a mistake and that he wants to make things right. He is the one that lied and cheated, he knows this, I agree that his anger may have a lot more to do with getting caught than anything else.

At this point, he needs to tell you how you can trust him from this point? How do you know he won't cheat again? Even though he claims he did not sleep with her, he put himself on a dating site although he's been in a relationship, that is still cheating. By having this other involvement with this woman, he was lying to you every day, and being deceptive.You're the one who deserves to be angry.

He's been lying about the cross dressing since you met, and he lied about this woman and having a singles profile. It makes you wonder what other things he lied about. The first thing is to talk to him about that, and ask him if he has anything else he needs to tell you and how you are supposed to trust him in order to move on? How are you supposed to buy a house with him, and commit to him if he's not willing to be honest? I think that counseling or therapy is something that he would benefit from, in fact couples counseling should be a prerequisite to the two of you buying a house, so that you can try and get everything out in the open and deal with everything together.

First you have to decide if you want to be with a man who cross dresses. There are many women who are very happy with their husbands or boyfriends who cross dress, so it's not unthinkable that you could be happy with him and learn to love this part of him. You will need to talk to him and find out what he gets out of it.....does he want to wear it in the house? out of the house? around other people? in bed? during sex? Then you have to decide if you are comfortable with whatever his needs are. If you don't want him talking to other women and having a singles ad, you have to be clear about that and let him know what you want, and he has to decide if he can comply. Relationships are about love, trust and compromise.....you can get through this if you want, but those three needs still need to be met above all.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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