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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I have bought a house. It has two bedrooms and a side ...

Customer Question

I have bought a house. It has two bedrooms and a side room. My boyfriend and I moved in together and he feels one of the rooms should be his entirely. There is the main bedroom, the second bedroom I have made an office and the side room holds all the arts and crafts stuff. He feels all the rooms are mine and he has no place of his own. I feel all rooms are shared, no space is anyone''s own space. The office is not personal, crafts only take up half with the other half a Bowflex (shared) This is causing real problems. I have never encountered a my space/your space thing in a relationship before and in reflection, there is no such thing in my family either.... What do I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. The other Experts and I are working on your answer. By the way, it would help us to know:

-What are your ages?

-How long have you been dating?

-Does he use the Arts and Crafts room?

-Does he use the office?

-Is this issue threatening your relationship?

-Does it bother you alot that he wants a room to himself?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Ages 48 & 40 (I'm oldest)
I've known him 2 years prior to this move
He has an open invitation to use all the rooms, put his stuff in them also and am hoping he will use them (we are still unpacking)
He is not office savvy but the computer is there and available to him for internet usage
Most likely so will threaten relationship.
Does bother me somewhat, heavily into porn and has history of substance abuse, would be a good place to hide for days, keeps his phone calls secret also, doesn't come home some nights ... apart from that, I understand the need for a space to be. Where I come from men have the garage to go to as that is where tools and man stuff usually are. I'll need garage space also here. Not a white collar professional.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for your reply:

I understand your concern about his using that room for a place to hide and do the things that you do not agree with but you have to talk this out before you are unpacked so that you are both on the same page. There has to be some type of compromise if indeed this is threatening your relationship. You don't want the relationship to fail even before you both have gotten unpacked. He probably thinks of those other rooms as your rooms because he doesn't do much arts and crafts and only uses the office for the computer, but you have to make it clear that there is no room in the house that is off limits to anyone and that you want the entire house to be both of your house and picking and choosing rooms will divide the household.

He may have come from a family where his father had a den of his own where he could go to get away and just relax and that may be why he wants the room for himself a place for him and his friend to go and maybe watch tv or other activities. It is important not to let this go you should sit down with him right away and discuss the living arrangements within the house. If you bought the house yourself he may feel like he didn't have a part in the house and he wants to have a room that is his and he can claim, explain to him that he is welcome in any part of the house and that you don't feel that he should have to want to have a room to himself when you are both in a relationship together.

Only if you feel completely comfortable should you accept him having his own room to relax in, relationships are about give and take and making compromises with each other to make the living arrangement as comfortable as possible could you possibly allow him to have his own room but compromise and tell him that if you do compromise then you should be allowed to enter the room whenever you want to without permission? If you don't feel comfortable with that arrangement then you have to tell him that in no uncertain terms.

Once again thank you for trusting me with your answer.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: I've made all that really clear to him or so I thought. If I move the office (front room off living room) into crafts room (back room off of bedroom) and am successful at working at home/independently than clientele will need to go through the bedroom or bathroom to get to the office.

If I put the crafts stuff in the office (front room of living room) and allow him the back room than access to the bathroom is thru his room or all the way around thru the dining room/kitchen not to mention that any noises from that room would keep me up at night.

Has also to do with house layout. He also is not working and I am carrying mortgage, bills and food and yes he does feel its all mine altho I keep putting his stuff around the house and am as reassuring as possible that its 'ours' not mine.
I don't know that him having his own room would 'help'; I really don't want a roommate and feel that if he has his own room, than that is what this will become.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for replying back:

If you are fitting bills for everything then he pretty has to abide by what you want and need if it is contributing to the household income and has the potential to contribute to the household income. I totally understand you not wanting a room mate and being afraid that he will spend every waking moment in his room and since you are using the room as office and arts and crafts then he will have to use to the computer. Do you have a basement? Maybe you could allow him to make something there if you do or maybe a part of the garage. I'm sure if you both talked this out you could come up with some type of compromise. Maybe he could later down the line build a shed or a type of little place outside for his enjoyment, there is always other options.

You both just have to be willing to make those compromises in a calm and exact way. You don't want something as little as a room come between your relationship. it's important that you both listen to each others feelings and wants and needs but right now him having his own is not a necessity but you have an office is and also your art and crafts room if it's going to bring income to the household.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Thank you for helping me to think through this better... I am hoping time will resolve some of it also as we settle into this house. It's a fair size house on 1/2 an acre so finding a quiet spot isn't difficult if one needs that. I am rarely in the front room and do not watch TV but for a movie or two on a weekend and am hoping he will discover that open quite unoccupied space in front of the TV as I've got his recliner all set up there, front and center... Everything he mentioned you mentioned, a place for friends to be, watch TV, whatever and that's a perfect room for them if he can feel OK about it without having to go into another room and close a door. I do respect space which he may also not realize so if his friends were there, I wouldn't bother them. Anyway, thank you again.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
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KimberlyF
KimberlyF
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Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com