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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Im engaged but not fully happy, we are long

Customer Question

I''m engaged but not fully happy, we are long distant and i kind of always knew he was not the love of my life (he is my first boyfriend), but he is such a great man and he adores me. He has a lot of good qualities that I seek in a man,but for some reason something tells me inside that this he is not it. We have been together for 5 years. I wake up every morning thinking about it, sometimes I''m convinced that I should end the relationship, but I dont imagine myself w/o him. I don''t know what to do.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. The other Experts and I are working on your answer. By the way, it would help us to know:

-What are your ages?

-Do you love him?

-Have you told him about your doubts?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm 25 and he is 28 we are both doing good as far as jobs and education. Our relationship started because he was very persistant and I decided to give him a chance( he was a good friend but I was not attracted to him) . We have broken up about 3 times before and it was because of the same reasons ( I was not sure about my feelings for him), but I do love him or I got to love him more throughout the years, but because of all these reasons, deep inside, I think that maybe I could fall more in love with somebody else. Like I said before; he is my first boyfriend and he really cares about me, my biggest fear has been to hurt him because he does not deserve it. He knows about my doubts from before we got engaged, but in a way it seems that he does not want to think much about it. When I see him I feel really happy,and i'm sad when he leaves, but after a while it feels like I don't care anymore. He has told me that it seems like he has to make me fall in love again every time we get a chance to see each other. I hate having this rollercoaster of emotions. I wish I could only love him no matter what, like the way he loves me.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
what makes every thing sad is that I should not being feeling this way. I'm in dental school (and some of my friends are engaged and they seem soo happy , but for some reason I don't feel the same way, why??? if I have the same thing....a man that loves me w all his heart and wants to marry me. sometimes i think that is the distance, but I have doubted my feelings for him in the past, and I got busy for a while w school and he was and still is very supportive, and know that we are engaged the feelings came back. We got engaged in december of last year, it has been almost 4 months, I told him if we could wait, we don't have a date yet, my reason was because of school. He is willing to wait but he says " as long as you still want to marry me", and that breaks my heart because of all the doubts that I have. My friends met him and they think he'll be a good husband. but I don't know what to do, I'm afraid I could make the worst mistake of my life (by either staying or leaving).
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for replyingCustomer

Yes you could be making the biggest mistake staying or leaving but that is what relationships are about taking chances and not being sure but you can not set a date or even make that commitment until you know for sure what you want or else you will end up miserable and make him miserable in the process and like you said he does not deserve that what he deserves is someone that is going to love him no matter what through bad times and good and if you think you can be that person for him then I suggest you continue with the relationship but if you think that later down the line you will find someone better then maybe you need to work on you a little more and see if that is really true. Would you rather hurt him now being honest with him or hurt him later when you are married and he has invested so much of his feelings and time into the relationship. Like the saying goes " We are the makers of our own happiness" Will you truly be happy with this man in your life possibly for the rest of your life? These are questions you are going to have to ask yourself. Just be honest with him always he deserves that much because he has been so good to you. Also ask yourself will you find anyone better than this man? If your answer to that question is no then you know that he is a great guy and will treat you well and supports you no matter what you do.

i would suggest not making any long term plans for a wedding until you are sure that this is the man of your dreams and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and if you are not sure then maybe you need to take some "you time" to figure this out I'm sure if he is as good a man as you say he will wait for you to make your decision.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
wouldn't all of these feeling and doubts be a sign for what I want ?? I figured ( comparing to my friends) If I'll be so in love those thoughts shouldn't even cross my mind. I know is not cold feet, because like I said I have doubts about my feelings before therefore causing a break up. out of the five years we have been long distance for almost 2, and along the way, I would meet a guy that I like physically and I would feel "butterflies in the stomack", (I guess it was attraction), but I never dated anybody because I have a relationship and we both trust and respect each other in that aspect. I never felt for him that way..until later on in our relationship when I decided just to love him back. I never had any other reason to break up w him but my feelings and doubts. my question is..do people that are really in love and engaged, shouldn't they be extremely happy??? and not doubting like I do.....inside of me something tells me that things are not right, do you think that we need to spend more time together?? or give myself some time alone (besides being long distance already) to think??
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for replyingCustomer

 

You very well may need some time to yourself besides the long distance even though you are not together in person in your minds you are together which keeps you emotionally connected and doesn't give you much time to think about what you want and if he is who you want to be with, when you were together in person it caused you to break up with him because you still weren't sure if you wanted to be with him, this could be a sign that you need to experience other things before making the big decision of marrying him and then finding out later that you did the wrong thing and you both end up getting hurt or having hurt feelings. The final decision is yours to make but if you feel even if you move to where he is or he moved to where you are you will still have these doubts then you may need to take a relationship break to figure out what you want don't go along with the wedding plans and everything just because you feel obligated to do so, you have to be happy also and feel like you can not live without that person.

He may be hurt but it will save him even more hurt of getting married and later getting divorced just make sure you know exactly what you want before you take that big step. If you decide to take a relationship break try not to make him feel like it's his fault just explain to him that you need time to make sure this is exactly what you want. Just to answer a question you asked me about other couples, every couple is different some are extremely happy and others have the same questions and doubts that you have it's just that every couple is not the same and the situations are not the same. Try not to judge your relationship by every other relationship or you are just setting yourself up for a let down when your relationship doesn't end up the way others do.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
HI, I have another question, I told him how I felt and I ask him for time. He was very calm about it and he said that he has been expecting it. I'm going to see him this weekend. After I told him I felt like if I had made a mistake, I was feeling very sad. Is this normal or should I take it as a sign that I do really love him? I'm feeling a little depressed but I guess I'll find out what happens during the weekend, but in the other hand I also know that I will be alright. I don't know what do do? the feelings and memories of us keep playing in my mind and all I can thing about is him?? I do not know what to do
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

It means that you care about him whether you love him or not you have to know that for yourself the fact that you are sad could also mean that you have gotten used to having him in your life and realizing that may not be for long made you sad maybe if you are thinking you made mistake you should take more time and not make any hasty decisions until you know for sure. That is normal for you to think back on your relationship when you feel as though it is coming to an end but still in all it's importnat for you to make sure that you won't regret your decision either way and only you can do that. See how it goes this weekend and let me know what your thoughts are then.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm feeling very sad, I really miss him, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wish things could be back to normal when we were happy. but then againg I ask myself....would I always have these doubts about my feelings for him? I can come up with an answer all I know is that I don't want to lose him. I don't know what to do?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

If you are feeling this sad about the prospect of losing him then maybe you shouldn't break up with him maybe you should tell him that you need time to make sure this is what you want because you don't want to marry him only for it to end up in divorce later on down the line, if he is as special and nice as you portray him to be then he will totally understand. Just don't make any harsh decision you will regret making and then you find yourself pining for this man the rest of your life. Everyone doubts their feelings in a relationship and wonders if it's going to last that is what relationships are all about just see how it goes this weekend and try not to think about the negative feelings you are having at least for the weekend and see how things play out.

Maybe you need to ask yourself if you are more sad about the relationship ending or about being alone and maybe never finding a great guy again? Maybe asking yourself this will help you to better understand why you are feeling so sad about this and the fact that you really miss him means that you truly do want him in your life and if this is the case don't lose him! Thing could go back to the way they were but it's up to you and if you don't feel secure in the relationship then there is always going to be this weirdness and questions, that is why you need to take your time and figure out what you want maybe you could have a long engagement maybe a year or more. It is more important for you to be sure than to make a hasty decision and regret the decision you have made.

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KimberlyF
KimberlyF
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Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com