It seems as if your question was cut off, can you finish it so we can talk?
Are you going to leave this man?
What is your son going through?
Since your son is your main concern, I'm going to start out with him. He didn't ask to be brought into this world, right? But he is here now, and he's already had to deal with not having his own father, and now this new man, not just leaving but wreaking so much havoc in your life. What's to justify? Your son being exposed to mental, emotional and physical abuse? He should never have to see that, and by all means your 'husband' should be out flat on his behind. He's used you to get himself into a better financial position, and it's beyond me why you haven't had him charged. It would be some kind of miracle if he ever returns a cent of your money.
You have to do what's best for your son. You don't need a man in your life to raise your son. If you think he needs a man in his life, then talk to a male friend who you are not intimately involved with, like a grandfather, uncle, cousin, or find out if there's any type of big brother type program near where you live. If you meet a new man, do not let him near your son, not even to meet him until you've known him 12 months or longer. Sure it's going to be hard to move on with your life, but you will have to take it step by step by step, and it may be hard and there will be times when you feel like you can't go any further, but you will. You will because you have a son that depends on you and needs you to be the best that you can be. So if this means that you have no social life, that you go back to school, that you get a better job, then you do it. Show your son that he can be the best he can be by setting that example, show him that you're not a quitter and neither is he. Show him that anything is possible and there's nothing a little hard work won't cure. Show him that he's important by not allowing another man into his life until you have known them for a year or more and know that they're not going to jerk you around or take advantage of you. Meanwhile, its probably not a good idea to get seriously involved with anyone right now until you've had some counseling or therapy to find out why you are making the bad choices and decisions you are making. If you can't afford therapy, them maybe we can try to work through some things, it's up to you.
I think you're on the right track, you're thinking and talking it out. I'm not going to say whether what you feel for him is love or dependency, but I WILL tell you this...he doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't do what he did to you. He saw you as a way to get back on his feet and he did that, all the while disrespecting you, your son, your family, and the sanctity of the wedding vows he took. Let him go before he causes more damage. Consider pressing charges if possible to try and get back some of what he's taken. Every step you take from this point on should be about your son...his feelings, his emotions, his physical and mental well being. Let your son know you have made mistakes, but this very day things are going to change for the better.
I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more
I am not judgmental in any way towards you, believe me. I see a strong woman in bad situation, and you are right that in most cases we are not given all of the information. There are usually three sides to every story, your side, their side and the truth as each person perceives an experience from their own perspective.
You said "He has been using my money and he took my bank card everywhere with him. If I confront him about anything at all he leaves - for 4 or 5 days at a time and I can't contact him. The last time he left he contacted me after a few days and asked me to meet him. Unfortunately I was furious by that time as he has done this so many times, and I really yelled at him. I discovered that he is living in a room on his own. Now he says it's over. But he is working now and says he will put money in my account. I feel so bad for my son and I don't know what to do."
Here's a man who took money from a woman and her child, he took control of your bank card, he disappears without notice to do who knows what. He got a room without telling you, and has put you in debt. Your child may not be close to him as you are telling me now, but whether you realize it or not this person has an effect on him, and effect that may not be apparent until he's an adult and may do the same to his wife.
You said, "He has told me that he doesn't want me to stay with my husband as he believes he is cruel." and "My son is 8 and has told me that he just wants it to be me and him. His relationship with my husband was good but not deep as my son never trusted him not to leave." Children sometimes have a better handle on being straight out and honest about things.
You're right, I don't know the whole situation, I can ONLY respond to what you tell me and give suggestions based on that. With that being said, I never meant to infer that you weren't a good mother, you were very clear that you love your son and only wanted what was best for him and I commend you for that, children need all the love and support that they can possibly get.
As for you reuniting with your husband, if that's what you want to do, by all means do it. Do try and keep in mind what has happened, and if you cannot get into why he did what he did to you and how it can be prevented from happening again, then it will most likely happen again. Also, you might want to have him pay back your money by setting up some type of payment plan each week where you can put that money away for your son, or in case something happens.
Again, I certainly did not mean to imply that you are selfishly following some type of destructive path, and it wasn't meant to ti you over the edge, but to cause you to look at in a clear manner from a pragmatic point of view, from someone who is not emotionally invested in the situation, particularly when you speak of violence. Too many women are being killed in situations where the man is violent and goes over the edge, sometimes its a mistake, sometimes not, but even a small amount or once in a while violence is absolutely unacceptable, especially with children in the home.
I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.