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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hi. I am in a horrendous situation and feel full of

Customer Question

Hi. I am in an awful situation and feel full of guilt. My son is 8 years old. His father left when he was 6 months old and I moved in with my parents and carried on working.
I met a man who is 26 years older than me and believed that he would be a good husband and father so I agreed to marry him.
The problem is that for the time we''ve been together he hasn''t worked and we have been living at my parent''s house. He has been using my money and he took my bank card everywhere with him. If I confront him about anything at all he leaves - for 4 or 5 days at a time and I can''t contact him.
The last time he left he contacted me after a few days and asked me to meet him. Unfortunately I was furious by that time as he has done this so many times, and I really yelled at him.
I discovered that he is living in a room on his own. Now he says it''s over. But he is working now and says he will put money in my account. I feel so bad for my son and I don''t know what to do. My son knows how much I love hi
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Kathy,

It seems as if your question was cut off, can you finish it so we can talk?

Are you going to leave this man?

What is your son going through?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hi. My son is fine, everybody sys what a happy and confident child he is. I have always had a very close relationship with him, and he has always known that he comes first. He has told me that he doesn't want me to stay with my husband as he believes he is cruel.
My husband has left. normally, I try to sort things out with him and justify his constant leaving but now I think I've had enough. He hasn't worked for 2 years. I'm just scared as I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to move forward with my son as my husband has left me £13000 in debt. i still feel that I love him despite what he has put me through but i don't know if it's love or dependence. I need to stay strong for my son but I just don't know whether it's best to try to hold on to my marriage or not. My son is 8 and has told me that he just wants it to be me and him. His relationship with my husband was good but not deep as my son never trusted him not to leave.
I suppose I want to know if I'm right to justify my husband's leaving. He has ocassionally been violent too. Of course, I have always blamed myself but my self esteem is going lower and lower and the most important thing for me is to be a happy mum for my boy.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Kathy,

Since your son is your main concern, I'm going to start out with him. He didn't ask to be brought into this world, right? But he is here now, and he's already had to deal with not having his own father, and now this new man, not just leaving but wreaking so much havoc in your life. What's to justify? Your son being exposed to mental, emotional and physical abuse? He should never have to see that, and by all means your 'husband' should be out flat on his behind. He's used you to get himself into a better financial position, and it's beyond me why you haven't had him charged. It would be some kind of miracle if he ever returns a cent of your money.

You have to do what's best for your son. You don't need a man in your life to raise your son. If you think he needs a man in his life, then talk to a male friend who you are not intimately involved with, like a grandfather, uncle, cousin, or find out if there's any type of big brother type program near where you live. If you meet a new man, do not let him near your son, not even to meet him until you've known him 12 months or longer. Sure it's going to be hard to move on with your life, but you will have to take it step by step by step, and it may be hard and there will be times when you feel like you can't go any further, but you will. You will because you have a son that depends on you and needs you to be the best that you can be. So if this means that you have no social life, that you go back to school, that you get a better job, then you do it. Show your son that he can be the best he can be by setting that example, show him that you're not a quitter and neither is he. Show him that anything is possible and there's nothing a little hard work won't cure. Show him that he's important by not allowing another man into his life until you have known them for a year or more and know that they're not going to jerk you around or take advantage of you. Meanwhile, its probably not a good idea to get seriously involved with anyone right now until you've had some counseling or therapy to find out why you are making the bad choices and decisions you are making. If you can't afford therapy, them maybe we can try to work through some things, it's up to you.

I think you're on the right track, you're thinking and talking it out. I'm not going to say whether what you feel for him is love or dependency, but I WILL tell you this...he doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't do what he did to you. He saw you as a way to get back on his feet and he did that, all the while disrespecting you, your son, your family, and the sanctity of the wedding vows he took. Let him go before he causes more damage. Consider pressing charges if possible to try and get back some of what he's taken. Every step you take from this point on should be about your son...his feelings, his emotions, his physical and mental well being. Let your son know you have made mistakes, but this very day things are going to change for the better.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

 

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am writing to tell you that my husband has come back and told me that he is going to have therapy to discover why he finds it so difficult to deal with things.
He is working now and earning money, and I am going to give him another chance. When he is here he is very good with my son and that means the world to me.
He has some problems and is prepared to face them and deal with them now.
He has started to teach me tiling, something I have wanted him to do for some time as I gave up my profession in teaching a while back so that I could spend more time with my son.
We are planning to work together as a self employed couple, and eventually also to teach my son so that whatever he decides to do, he will always have a trade.
I do feel that I need to tell you that since the day my son was born I have completely revolved my life around him.
He is my world and I have been highly praised by his teachers and everyone else I am in contact with as to what a good job I have done in bringing him up.
He has never witnessed any violence against me and nobody has ever come close to hurting him. He has had to deal with my husband leaving - yes, but as I am the one he has always been close to, and our bond is very strong, he has not been particularly affected.
My husband has been in his life for 2 years - I've been there for him for 8 and a half years, and as his primary carer, am the one on whom he depends for his needs to be met.
He knows because I show him and tell him that he is the most important person in the world to me, and that shows in his high level of confidence and self esteem.
I'm afraid that I have to say that I found your answer to be somewhat judgemental. Perhaps this is because I did not give you the full information. I don't know. But to assume that because someone is trying to deal with a difficult situation rather than run away from it by giving up on a marriage and the man who has taken on my son as his own, that they are selfishly following some kind of self destructive path is presumptious and could possibly tip someone over the edge.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues