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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I was with my ex-bf for 4 years. Hes 25, Im ...

Customer Question

I was with my ex-bf for 4 years. He''s 25, I''m 30. We''ve been talking about the future for awhile now, ie. marriage, commitment, etc. And then a month ago, he drops the bomb that "he doesn''t want to be in a relationship anymore...he needs to get his own life together and he can''t do that while being with me and having to always think about another person". So for 2 weeks, I tried to talk to him about working it out. Then I went NC for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks of NC he called to see how i was doing and we wound up meeting for dinner and again discussing the breakup. Nothing has changed. He says he loves me and he always will and he wants me in his life, but he just can''t be in a relationship anymore. He can''t commit himself anymore while he''s still trying to figure out his own life. So, yest I''m totally sad. What can I do? I know I need to give him his space, but what do I do if he calls and wants to hang out? Should i just ignore him so he can miss me?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Hello losing,

I know you love him, but the fact is, he's being very clear about what he wants. You'll need to talk to him more about what he considers boundaries and what the nature of the relationship will be. Will you continue to be intimate? I would advise against it, if he can't think about you while getting his life together, then he shouldn't be sleeping with you. Will you remain friends and go out/hang out? Thats a hard one because hanging out can lead to other things sometimes. I think if he need time, you should give him time. If he really loves you then he will be back. You may want to talk to him about how much time he's talking about, so that you know where to go from here, you can't be put on hold forever.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I know we love each other. I think this may be him thinking "the grass might be greener". I don't want to fall in to the friends trap so I think I should probably just avoid contact for awhile and let him experience life without me. I just don't want to hurt him by ignoring him completely. Just got to let him know he's no longer a priority in my life and I'm moving on.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Hello losing,

I agree that cutting contact for a while is probably the best thing....but most people are unwilling to do that. Its a thin line between him not wanting to be in a relationship, and you stepping back far enough to hurt his feelings. Do what feels comfortable to you regardless of his feelings. I personally think it sounds like you've got a good grasp on things, and that you're handling it well. I'm here if you want to talk more.


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