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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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im confused im 23 and my boyfriend of 8 years is 25 we had

Customer Question

im confused im 23 and my boyfriend of 8 years is 25 we had a great sex life to begin with but for the past few years he wont go near me he wont touch me when i go to kiss him he moves his head away when i try to make a move on him he always says im tired or later and that later never comes i love him but feeling unwanted hurts and hes pushing me away what could be the problem please help as this is my life i need to make a dicision on what to do as i feel i have missed out on 8 years of my life and i dont want to miss out on the next please
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Sarah,

Have you talked to him about it?

Any other problems in the relationship?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i have tried to talk to him he doesnt listen i may aswell talk to a brick wall he doesnt pay me any attension i just feelim on my own in all this
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Sarah

I think that the words you used at the end of your question 'i feel i have missed out on 8 years of my life and i don't want to miss out on the next". I think that in many ways you already know what you have to do. You will have to confront him about this and find out what the issues are. If he's not willing to not only talk, but move towards working things out, then you will have to decide if it's worth it to stay with him. You can only be rejected for so long before you start feeling that there is something wrong with you and that you don't deserve to be loved. This type of situation takes a lot away from your self esteem, and his lack of wanting to communicate only makes things worse. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you, communicate with you and love you like you need to be loved. It's not easy breaking off a relationship, but if you're honest with yourself, you will admit that there really isn't a relationship, just two people together. You have to get it together, whether it's with him or on your own. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
its to late for all that i alreayd feel like im worth nothing i already feel like im not good enough for anybody and i always ask myself that and i always get the same answer. i think to myself i can do better then this but really deep down i know i cant i mean dont get me wrong i love him but i hate him if that makes sense im just really cought up in my own little word as to what to do and as before i always get the same answer which is dont leave u will be on your own. i feel like im worth nothing and hes got a hold over me im trapped and i cant get out
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Sarah,

The issue is not him. Do you hear what I'm telling you? The issue is not him....the issue is you. You stay with him because you feel like you don't deserve better. Once you realize that you do deserve better, you will drop him like a hot potato.

Who has hurt you so much in your life that you feel like you dont deserve to be loved?

Why do you feel like you are worth nothing?

What do you do for a living?

Do you have children?

What do you like to do for fun?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i see what you are saying

he has hurt me he is why i feel like i do

i feellike im worth notinh because he has made me this way

i work as a dental nurse

we dont have childern because we cant have them we have had all the tests done

i like to go out with my friends gt drunk and have a laugh but as soon as i get home its where you been why you home this late who you been with
i cant handle it
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

before him...who hurt you?

when did you first start feeling like you deserved nothing? was it before him or after him?

chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he has only hurt me as ive been with him since i was 15 and im now nearly 24

for the past year or so now
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

has he cheated on you? you on him?

has he ever gotten physical with you?

has he told you that you wouldnt get anyone better than him or anything along those lines?

In what ways has he hurt you?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he hurts me by ayin things like callin me skinng goofey ugly he told me id never get better then him i havent cheated and i dont know if he has
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Sarah,

The fact is there are plenty of guys out there who would treat you better than him. It's just that you've been in this relationship so long that you can't see that. It's possible that you may have even outgrown him and his immaturity. You do deserve better, but you are probably scared to be on your own. There's nothing wrong with being on your own and loving yourself, and spending time with yourself and getting to know yourself....you should love yourself more than you love anyone else. Once you love and know yourself, then you can open yourself to loving and getting to know someone else. This guy is taking away the essence of what is Sarah and that is unacceptable. You are a talented, beautiful, powerful woman, and you can do better. If he can't shape up, then he needs to ship out, as my mother used to say. You don't need someone who is going to bring you down. I know it might seem impossible, but nothing is impossible. You can have a happy life, your new life can start at the very moment that you realize that you deserve better and can have better. Even right now as you are reading this, you can make a choice to make your life better, with him or without him. I'm here if you want to talk more.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he thing is im scared to end it as i will be on my own no man ill want me for who i am hey just ant to use me
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

No one can use you unless you let them use you. We teach people how to treat us.

Would you rather be by yourself, or be with someone who makes you feel worthless?

There's nothing wrong with feeling scared, that's natural. If you do decide to leave, you will want to be by yourself for a while, because you will want to get to know yourself. There's a lot that you can learn about what you like and don't like and the type of life you want to live. You should also be able to think about what you want and don't want out of a relationship, and if you meet someone give yourself a good long time before getting involved with them. Its not going to be easy, but it's not impossible, and you have to have faith that above all, you know what's best for you.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
let me just ask if what im about to tell you happened to you what would you do

yes he has hit me on more then one occasion ive had my head put into a wall a deodrant can thrown at my face ive been kicked dragged around my own home by my hair becaus he thought i was cheating he used to go out for days and not ring me talks to me like im nothing??
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Oh Sarah, you know you don't deserve that ype of treatment, why would you put up with it? It's hard to say what anyone would do in someon else's situation. I would like to think that if it happened to me, I would have called the police and had him arrested.

Ask yourself, if he thinks you're ugly, and no one else would ever want you, then why is he concerned about you cheating? It doesn't make sense. It's a situation that's not about love, but about control He's become used to controlling you since you were a kid (yes, 15 is a kid, not old enough to understand the complexities of a relationship) and continues to control you, emotionally and physically.

You're afraid to be on your own, because you've never been on your own, but the fact is, women live on their own all the time and do very well.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
and after it all i still love him i dont know why im so scared of him i look overmyshoulder every day as to whats going to happen next
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Remember thats a choice Sarah

Chase

ps, please remember to click the green accept button if I have helped, so that I may get credit for my work with you.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thats the thing i dont hav a hoice anymore im stuck for the rest of my life theres no way out
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

You know that's not true, but if you keep telling yourself that, then that's all you're going to believe. Thats sad though, and a waste of your life to let someone have this type of control over you. You should definitly consider counseling or therapy to help you through this.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i feel like givin up on life all together thats the easy way out
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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