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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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Is it normal to want promiscuous sex

Resolved Question:

I am a 45yr old woman in a long term faithful relationship? I have talked about my fantasies with my partner in the past about having sex with two men. We conclude that it wouldn''t be safe with STDs and he believes we would both struggle with detaching our emotions.

Over the past 18months i have written intermintly to a man and I have recently had a webcam experience and telephone sex with him. My partner does not know this. Afterwards i always experience a terrible amount of guilt and feel like i have betrayed him. I stay away from my PC for awhile but i always go back to this one man. I am considering telling my partner about my secret activities in hope that he may want to watch me having sex with this guy. Which i still don''t 100% know if i could do. When i told my partner of my desires again yesterday his suggestion was we buy a video recorder.

I want to be used, i want to hear dirty words and have horny sex... is this some form of 40 something disease?

Very Confused
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

No this isn't a 40 something disease..........this is a normal sexual fantasy that many people experience and there is nothing wrong with you. Many people experience this regardless of how happy they are or how great their sex life is. There are many people who claim that if shared together that group sex or swinging can be a enhancement to the relationship..........just as there are many who claim it has destroyed their relationship. Add the threat of STDs and your own feelings and it is a hard subject to talk about with your partner.

The problem is you are still acting out with your fantasy secretly.....this is not healthy or safe for your relationship. Even if it never goes any further the fact is you are keeping something from your partner that could be very painful for him.

You know the relationship you are having with the other guy is wrong.........I do not have to tell you this. I can sit here and tell you it must stop now and to go to your partner but you do not need me to preach to you about it. What you need is to come to the understand that what you are doing is not fair to yourself or to him. Having someone join your relationship is fine...........as long as you both are ready for it and this is what you really want. But keeping that person secret is not OK.

I must warn you that this type of play is serious and not something you want to consider without being 100% comfortable with the idea. Jumping into this activity can hurt more then help. And the fact is many people are never able to accept it and they split up. That is something you have to know and address if you choose this route.

It sounds like your partner is concnered.......and he should be. The fact is this is something that could cause conflict in your relationship so taking it slow and one step at a time is a good thing. Many new couples starting this type of lifestyle sit down and talk it out. Let him know how you feel and what you want. (Since you are not 100% sure yet you need to do some soul searching to decide what you really want). There is a big difference between fantasy and reality.........many people fantasy about this but once the action is done they feel ashamed or embarrassed. That is what you want to avoid if you decide to do this. Communication is the key..........if you want to do it you must talk about it allot. If he isn't interested you must accept that. Pushing him into it is not fair to him and will cause friction in your relationship.

Other couples start out slowly with it. Fantasy and role play first........then sit down and talk about it. Talk about how you felt and how he felt. The more you talk the better everything goes.

Keep in mind fantasy is healthy in a relationship and has its place.........but your relationship must be more then just fantasy and sex if not all you have is a bed partner instead of a life partner. As far as the other guy........you know what is right. Until you and your partner have decided what to do you may want to end this relationship. The more you talk to him the less you are talking to your partner.

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thankyou for your words of wisdom Walter. I've been seeing him for 8yrs weekends only (living apart together)

There is a part of me that feels he shouldn't leave me alone all week and that i shouldn't be the one who instigates sex all the time which is becoming less and less. Do you remember George and Mildred? Thats how our set up is at the moment. I think he's stopped listening to this gripe.

His hangup is his emotions, he has to always be in control and he's never told any woman that he loves her athough he's never done anything to hurt her which cancels that one out. He's had three relationships in his life one for 4.5yrs the other for 11yrs and ours running into 8yrs.

I know i've wasted enough of your answer and will accept your answer, please just answer me this one... do i tell him what i have been doing?

Thanks in advance
Margie
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello Margie,

No waste what so ever.......if you are not satisfied that you have been helped I am more then happy to continue to help Smile

To tell him or not.........that is difficult. Only you know what is best in your relationship. Is this going to hurt him? Yes. Is this going to ruin your relationship? Maybe. But trust and honesty is a big part of any relationship as well......if you can not be honest with him and he can not trust you then what do you really have?

As far as the leaving you alone all week.........is this a issue for you? If so then you will need to tell him what you need. If he is not willing to give you what you need you must then decide what is best for you and go with what you want and need.

I can not tell you if being honest is the best thing for you........I can tell you that if this is going to work out that you will need to either end the relationship or tell him the truth, otherwise this secret will fester forever in your relationship.

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Walter's Post: Thanks Walter

I think you've made me realise what i could loose if i'm not honest with him. He deserves better eitherway...

Another question comes to mind, i've heard that its a hormone that makes women feel horny why does it increase at an exponential rate when i'm on my period? I feel like a sex addict... i'm respected for not being lose in my community btw. No wonder they had chastity belt in the olden days...

Margie :-)
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

As women age their sex drive speeds up.....the menstruating time increase the release of estrogen which is known to increase the sex drive. This is normal but if you feel it is to much you can talk to your doctor about helping to regulate your hormones more.

As for what you have to lose........you are right there is a lot to lose for both of you. The real fact is no one can stop their own fantasy's you can only regulate them to be what you want them to be. In the end if this is something you feel you have to do then it is time to sit down and be honest with him. Let him know that while you respect what he wants you also know what you want. Thus giving him the chance to back away and allow you time to know what you want.

Just do not push him to do something he is not comfortable doing.......in the end that will run him off faster then the action itself. If this is something you want.....take it at his pace.

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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