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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is ...

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is 22 and I am 20. I used to think we didnt have sex much because there was no place we could actually go to be privatly intimate. Now we have been living together for over a month and still no change. We have sex once a week and sometimes less. I have tried to talk about it but he always finds a way to talk around it. Like "Im just tired a lot", but in bed he will watch TV untill he falls asleep or he will even play like he is sleeping. It makes me feel like a sex fien or some kind of a freak because I want more sex than that.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Ama,

It's not uncommon for sex to slow down after 3 yrs. I understand what you mean about the fact the it was difficult to be intimate before, but this lack of sex probably has less to do with privacy, than the fact that you've been together for a while. You are not a 'sex fiend" or any type of 'freak'....you are a healthy young woman with a healthy sexual appetite. For whatever reason, his sex drive seems to be very low and this could be for a few reasons. Hopefully it's not because he is sleeping with anyone else, although that is a reason why some men have less sex with their partners, another reason could be, if he masturbates. Due to the lack of privacy, he may have started a habit of masturbating that has affected his sex drive.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is you have to talk to him. You have to talk to him and know that you are not making any outrageous demands aside what would normally be expected of a partner. If he can't give you any reasoning about it, even if you talk to him about the things I've mentioned, then you have to decide if this is something you can live and deal with. He needs to know that this is making you unhappy, and that your unhappiness is justified.

You also should be still going out on dates and doing things together. I don't mean sitting on the couch together and just sitting in the house together, but doing things together outside of the home.....basically doing some of th things you did when the two of you first met.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We had a discussion this afernoon. He admits that he masterbates "sometimes". And he always claimed he only had the desire to be intimate in the morning and I am in the mood at night. But even on the weekends we dont have sex in the morning. I used to make moves at night when he was acting like he was sleeping or maybe he was and he would just roll over or ignore it. I stopped trying because rejection hurts. I asked him if he was always this way or just with me, he said always. When I used to ask in the beginning he would say "maybe your just more sexual than I am". A few weeks ago (after about 2 weeks of living together)I got so frustraited I asked him if he was interested in men. He started laughing and when I told him I was serious he said "I swear to god Andrea, I am NOT gay! I cant believe you could even ask that". I believe he's not gay and I have put on a few pounds since highschool so Ive been on a diet and lost 18 pnds already and look great. Still no change.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Ama,

It's not logical to expect someone to only have sex in the morning, and frankly it sounds like an excuse, particularly when you say that you aren't having sex in the morning despite his claim. Rejection does hurt, and he's not even going through the motions, he's just rolling over. Something isn't right, but I assure you that blaming this on yourself is the wrong way to go. First of all you have to assume that this has nothing to do with you, you're not asking too much, its not because of your weight, it's not about you.

If he's always been this way, then the fact that you had no privacy has always been just an excuse for his low sex drive. It wasn't until you moved in together that you can see that it was never about privacy. I don't know about him being gay, but despite his protests, it's a possibility, just one that he may not be able to ace. He may not even know consciously. It could be something that happened to him when he was a child, or something that happened in his past relationships that is contributing to it, but the fact is, unless he gets some type of help and is willing to open himself up to that help, then things will never get better.

You're going to have to decide if this is something you are willing to live with. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
If I do want to talk more, how much does it cost me?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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