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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My husband is an accomplished professional with a very ...

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My husband is an accomplished professional with a very successful career. Anyhow, I have a Masters Degree but do not work right now because I am taking care of an ill family member. My husband can be very nasty when we argue (which is only occassionally). However, he insults my intelligence and says that I am the only adult he knows that does not sit and read. Frankly, I do not have time. How can I respond to his remarks without insulting him back?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Gordon,

I'm not clear what reading has to do with the arguments?

What are you arguing about when you do argue?

What are your ages?

Have you told him not to insult you?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We are in our forties and the argument started over the fact that in the morning, he likes to be left alone and exercise and I want attention. I have told him not to insult me many, many times, but he does not pay attention when we argue.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Gordon,

I negelcted to ask how long you have been married? and where/how did you meet?

Chase

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Gordon, were you able to see my last post?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I can't answer anymore questions as I may be recognized. If you can't give me an answer, that is fine - no problem. Just need some sort of comeback.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

I apologize if it was too many question, when it comes to relationships, the more information I can get the better. For future reference, I can send the questions, or you can send the answers through admin and they will give it to us.

Based on the info you've given me, he seems to be a very controlling person. It's been my experience that people who resort to insults have issues with self esteem, it's only when he insults you that he feels superior to you and at the same time makes you feel smaller. This is likely based on his fear that you are actually smarter than him. As long as he is smarter, then he is in control. Now whether this is based on his general low self esteem and childishness or based on the fact that he is afraid you will leave him is in a way irrelevant, because he is ruining the love that you do have, slowly but surely.

Wanting to be left alone at a certain time of day is a privilege left mostly to single people, or couples who make a conscious decision to give these spaces, when and for how long and it usually involves compromise. He gets his space in the morning, but when do you get your attention. Can the time be split? Where is the compromise?

People who resort to insults will rarely stop just because they are asked, they have to seek counseling or have to have some sort of compelling reason to change the behavior. Asking him to stop may not work, perhaps when he insults, you walk out of the room. The one indicator of relationships that will not likely last is insulting. When couples resort to insulting or 'fighting dirty', 9 times out of 10 they will split up, either because one of them cannot stand it or because the insults escalate to physical violence.

When it comes to him saying you don't read, or any other type of 'insult', you have the ability to assess whether or not the insult is based on fact or if it's based on fiction. If it's something you know that you need to change, then it always hurts a little more than if it just wasn't true. He needs to differentiate between constructive criticism and just being a jerk, and you have to be the one to show him that. If he's not willing to stop, change or at the very least slow down, then you will have to decide how much more of it you can deal with before it no longer works for you. How much of your self esteem can you allow him to chip away before you lose too much of yourself?

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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