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Lindie
Lindie, Parent
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5489
Experience:  Parent/Step Mother: With 20+ years experience.
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I have a problem about my girlfriend and I. Currently we are ...

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I have a problem about my girlfriend and I. Currently we are living 3 states away she's in NC and I'm in FL. Before that I was in NC in the military and moved back home to FL to be with my family. She wants me to move up there and be with her. She has 2 young kids at the age of 5 and 3, she is 26. I am 24, I love her very much but I can't help not wanting to move to NC to be with her. A part of me wants to and a part of me don't because she has kids and if i do, I see it as me being a Father to her kids. I'm currently in college I don't have a career yet because I have just left the military and trying to make something of myself. Please help me. I will answer any and all questions.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

 

Would she be willing to move to FL, if she is able to?

You say you are in FL, would there be an option to live somewhere in the half way point of both your homes?

Just saying she moved where you are, would you want that to occur, even though she still has the kids?

Do the kids have their father in their life currently?

Are you currently living with family or do you have your own place?

How long have you both been together?

Thank you,

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
-She wants her kids to remain near her family. So that rules out her moving to FL, or anywhere else, botXXXXX XXXXXne of that is she wants me to move to NC with her.
-No the kids father is not in their lives by any means.
-I'm currently living with Family
-The time that we have been together is roughly 4 years, 1 of those years I have been in FL taking care of some family Issues.
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX question so I can understand better.

 

You say 4 years together, 1 year in FL for you with your family. Were the other 3 years together while in the service?

Have you ever lived together and if not, how much did you both see of each other?

 

Thanks

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yes the other 3 was in the service, and we didn't live together she lives with her mother. During that time I saw her as often as I can. She lived 2 hours away and I saw her everyweek when the military permits me. And during the 1 year I'v seen her every 3months for about a week at a time, I know it's not much but it was something, and i'm surprised that she has waited this long...
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

Thank you,

 

You're right, she did wait a long time..

Honestly, I think if you read your own question, you already know the answer to everything.

It's a HUGE step to move to another state and get involved with someone let alone with someone who has children. Plus as you already said, you don't have a career per-se at this point. You're back in college yourself. You both are so young still, with your whole life ahead of you both.

I don't know what all she knows or what you have talked to her about. But as someone looking in to your situation who is not personally involved. You do owe it to her to be 100% honest. And that includes your concerns of the children, leaving your home state etc. If you both are willing to wait it out and see what happens, as perhaps once you finish school or get established with a job etc. you can go from there. But if you feel in your heart that you can't never move there, start with an already made family (and they are the hardest relationships to have). Then you need to let her go and you both move on. Yes, it would hurt you both I'm sure, but it's best to know now vs spending more time avoiding what will eventually come sooner or later.

It doesn't mean it has to be good-bye forever, if you both are really meant to be, then maybe one day you both may be free and can start over, as things change.

So you only really need to decide (together) can you both continue the long distance until (hopefully) something may change. Or should you move on with your life and her with hers and remain friends.

I can't personally give you an answer of which way to choose.. but if you are not willing to move there.. and you are really unsure about the children.. then you know what you need to do.... It doesn't make you a bad person.. I'm sure you have had great times together and wonderful memories. And it's best not to let kids get too attached, especially if you're not ready to be a father to them. It's a huge responsibility for anyone.

I hope this helps and gives you some things to think about.. If you need anything else please feel free to ask. If you found this helpful don't forget to click the *ACCEPT* button and please take a moment to leave me *POSITIVE* feedback.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Lindie's Post: We have talked about all of that, and somehow we kept on holding on. As for the career she states that I can continue going to school up there and finsh out what i want to get done. I don't know how I would beable to do that with kids in the picture..., but all she wants is for me to be up there and have a "relationship" and not a long distance phone call every night. Is there an actual way to make it work in your opinion?
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.
When you ask a way to make it work.. are you asking as far as you living here and her there or you going there?

Thanks
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
More of, I want to move there and be with her but I know I'm not ready to be a father I'm 24, I don't have a career, how I'm i suppose to support her and the kids??... I'm asking how can I make it work of me overcoming these things.
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

If you would really want to be with her..and that will include the children too.. it can work out.. it may not be easy.. but ANYTHING is really possible if you both work toward the same goals.

I'm sure there is some college near her that you could enroll in and continue your education. Depending upon how much time you are in school, you could go part time and take an extra year or two to accomplish your school goals and work part time to help out with household responsibilities. Or if she is able to help pay for a place for you all to live etc then perhaps you can go to school full time etc. It has to be a compromise on both parts. Either path you choose will be hard and you both will have to work toward the same goals. If there is love between you both.. it CAN be done.. and if you are happy with her, then you need to accept the kids as well.. You don't have to be their dad.. but if you both get married.. or even live together.. a step dad is where you will be in that picture.

If she has NO income at all.. then you may have to find some job for full time work and go to school part time. Which is where you may have to spend an extra year or two in school.. but these are small prices to pay if you found someone who is good to you and you love each other.. It's not easy to find someone who is good to one another and if you both have it.. then the rest can fall into place.

Even if you took the summer off school and gave it a trial period to see how it works out.. if it won't and doesn't, then you both tried.. It's easy to try to imagine what it may be like to live together.. but until you do, you will never know.. it will all be speculation.

So if there is love.. then you both will work through this and find the correct path.. but if you can't move there.. then you need to let it go.... So you have some options.. and there is nothing saying you can't come visit your family.. and I'm sure if you are happy, your family will be happy for you too..

Hope this helps..

Lindie, Parent
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5489
Experience: Parent/Step Mother: With 20+ years experience.
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