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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Girlfriend needs space..

Customer Question

I have been with my girlfriend Ashley since 4/20, 2005. We couldn''t be happier together we shared the same sense of humor went everywhere with each other.. etc. Lately as of (she said about January of this year) she hasn''t felt the same, and I don''t ever listen to her with what she''s trying to say.. like we will get into a fight.. and I usually didn''t want to fix it anymore (stupid me!) as of last Saturday she told me she needed space because she didn't know who she was without me anymore and that she had been planning and thinking about the breakup since January when all this started going bad. Now, her and I are only 18, and about to go to college. I love her, and I cant handle someone telling me that she''s through with me because I know shes not, we are so compatible. I just want to know how to fix this, what might be going through her head etc. She also mentioned on phone last night (i called her) that she can promise 100% she wont date anyone else within a MINIMUM of a year. I know that most things that are broken can be fixed.. and I want to fix this so badly. Everyone has told me I just need to move on but no, theres a way to fix it and it's killing me!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Billy replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer.

The biggest problem I'm seeing with this relationship, right off the bat, is a failure to communicate. Even you say you don't want to listen to her anymore. Listening is key in any relationship; as a matter of fact, hardly no relationships last without communication between each partner.

The only advice I can offer, if you really, really love her and don't want to lose her, is to call her. Explain what a fool you've been for not listening when she's tried to talk to you, and that you're sorry. Don't tell you you'll never do it again, because that is what you call an empty promise. Instead, tell you that, if she'll give you one more chance, that you promise to work on your communication skills, even seeking the advice of a counselor if necessary. Tell her that you love her deeply and that you do not want to lose her, and that you'll do whatever it takes to save the relationship.

If she invites you over, don't even think about sex. The only thing that should be on your mind is saving the relationship, and sex doesn't save relationships. Take a dozen roses and go there with the mindset of talking out the relationship. Listen to everything she has to say, and don't get into a fight. Keep your voice down and don't get argumentative. And hopefully, you will be able to save the relationship. Best of luck to you.

If you need additional help, just click reply. Have a good week.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
When do you think would be a good time to try to mend the relationship?

She is confusing. She told me that she needed a little time to "find herself" because obviousely we are young and she needs to figure out where she is going. The thing is, only in the past 4 or 5 months have I started to be a jerk to her (without realizing)

I asked her if she thinks we have a future and she says maybe and how she loves me. I find it starnge how she said "give me at least a month" basically, a month to be alone. I said to her "can you promise me that you wont get into another relationship?" and she said "Yes, I dont want anyone and I can guarantee you AT LEAST a year, maybe even two"

What does this mean?!?!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Oh yeah, and also, she said I can call her like once or twice a week but try to not do more than once a week cuz it will "only make it harder" So.. what do I do.. call her? Which do you think would be more beneficial for me? So you think if I don't call her, she might start to realize she doesn't need me, or miss me? but if I call her do you think she'll realize im desperate and take her sweet time? Help!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

even,

If you call her more than she's asking you to, then all you are doing is showing her that you're still not 'hearing' her. If she has made up her mind that it's over, then there really isn't anything you can do, but if there's even a hope that things might work, you need to give her some space. Is she starts to realize she doesn't need you or miss you, then you will know that she doesn't really care about you. I think she does care, but may just need some time.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I agree. I think that now that i've called her a total of 3 times I fully understand the situation. I just want to know when she will have her decision (of course I didnt ask her that) but all I can do is wait.

She says she doesnt FEEL RIGHT. This is because of all the time I hurt her.. and how I was never really hurt in the relationship and now im feeling 100% of the burn and it's really tough, I hardly want to eat or do anything for that matter.. Plus, ive never experienced something like this before.

One other thing I'd like a comment to is.. last night I talked to her about how everyone is telling me that she might be seeing another guy. I said that I believe shed never want another guy. She was very quiet when I said this, and I kept asking her why she was silent? She said there was a guy she hardly talks to but kinda likes. The last time she has talked to him I guess was a couple weeks ago.. and he does not have any knowledge of her liking him. Okay so what's going on here? I mean let me start by saying I trust her! When she says that theres a guy there and she vaguely likes him.. I believe that. I think what I get out of this is she's waiting until her heart stops hurting to see how she feels once the "bruises" on her heart heal, if you follow me.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Even,

I can only say again that you have to give her space. Also you have to at least entertain the thought that there might be another guy involved, it would explian a lot of her behavior. The only way you can really know what she is thinking or feeling (or what ANYONE in life is thinking or feeling) is if they tell you...thats's it. You can only hope that they will be honest with you. I'm here if you want to talk more.

Chase

ps. please remember to click the green accept button if I have helped, so that I will get credit for my work with you.

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Well okay. That makes sense. I know, im sorry normally people probably don't stretch your time out so extensively.

I just want to know.. How can I.. if there is any way.. make her miss me or kind of INDIRECTLY sway her thinking. I know it's very possible to convince yourself to sway a certain way.. but how can I kind of turn the tables.. very discreetly? I know you have a lot of experience with this so if there is a way.. im sure you would know.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

It's no problem, and some conversations go on for day, weeks and sometimes even months. Conversations of that type will include multiple accepts to compensate for the work, which is completely up to the customer. I'm always around if you want to talk.

Even, getting her to 'miss' you is tricky, and when you start playing game, you have to include the possibility that the games will backfire. With that being said, you can completely drop out of the picture for a week, have it get back to her that some other girl likes you, or act really nonchalant when you speak to her. When people feel like they are losing something, they usually grasp onto it tighter (as you have plainly seen for yourself)....the problem with that, is if she's so fed up and through with what shes gone through with you, she may let go completely. This is good and bad, it's good because you will know once and for all how she truly feels....but it's bad because it was not your intended outcome. I hope you understand what I'm saying, but if not let me know and we can talk more.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues