I'm sorry that you are hurting so much....let me ask you a couple of questions
When she told you, did she say it was over?
What kinds of marital problems were you having before the affair started?
the fact that you feel stable and sound almost comfortable with your decisions and choices that you are making regarding your husband and his affair. You can't make any excuses for what he is, just as you cannot blame yourself for things that he did, as he is an adult, and very capable of making his own decisions. What he had done was a series of lies, fabrications and deception for a long period of time, this wasn't just a one night thing. Consequently, you won't be able to get past this in one night....it may take days, weeks, even months for the two of you to work past this if this is what you both want to do.
I like that you sound so strong, even though you have been hurt, you are still looking at things from a realistic point of view. Not that you don't care, but with an understanding of how something like this could happen. If you can keep an open mind, and he is willing to put the same amount of energy into your marriage, that he put into this affair, then I think things will work out well for the two of you. He does need to cut contact with this other woman, even if it means changing his contact information and not hanging out with the boys. At this point, he should be as open and as upfront with you as possible, even if this means letting you answer his phone, read his text messages, letting you know where he will be at all times. Being sure to answer any of your phone calls at anytime. Basically proving to you that he's really vested in this marriage and wants to make it work.
Therapy, if possible, could be helpful. You can learn/re-learn coping and communications skills, as well as work on any issues that brought you both to this place. Yes, stress in a marriage or a relationship can be hard, especially when it comes to finances, but that doesn't mean that you just give up and move on to other relationships; you communicate and you work on what you have. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is we all make mistakes...some bigger than others...but if you think that he is honest on wanting to work things out then you have to decide if you can truly forgive him and move on from this. If you say you are going to forgive, you have to really mean it, and you can't constantly throw it in his face.
Again, he has to earn back your trust, and you have to be honest about your capability and willingness to forgive.
I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.
It's understandable that you would be mixed up. We have to remember that not every relationship is the same, and cannot be dealt with the same? You have to choose the best way to deal with it based on your needs and his needs and what you think will work best and what you're comfortable with. If you think moving on and putting this behind you as fast as you can is the best way to go about it, then that is your personal choice.
If you think he needs to go to his parents, while you get your head together, and give him a chance to think about what he's done. I don't think you should ignore him while he's there, that cuts off the communication. I do think you should be talking with him and making sure that you are not making the same mistakes. He should be willing to prove to you that he's not cheating, by letting you know where he's going, calling, etc, and answering his phone when you call. Don't think about how other people would handle it, think about how you need to handle it for you and him.