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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My husband had an affair thats now over, I have been told ...

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My husband had an affair thats now over, I have been told my the lover. The relationship started as friends and due to distance in my own marriage they confided in each other and began a romantic and physical affair. The whole process of friends, to lovers to end was 18 months. All of wish discrete and hidden from me yet behaviour and marital problems grew terrible in this time. He finished seeing her 4 months ago and now she has exposed the truth after we have been happy. I dont think it was malicious on her part simply rumours pushed me to confront her and she told me. My husband is distraught, he says he was confused that we had a bad time and she was a shoulder for him and then he becamse obssessed with her. Later after it became physical he began to realise the feelings weren''t strong enough to leave me so he cut the relationship. Now he begs forgiveness and wants me to try to forget it happened and accept it was as result of our bad communication and arguments and that his ability to stay out at friends all night made it easy for him to grow close to this woman and can never happen again. I believe he loves me and I believe he got caught up in the affair more emotional that anything else (which hurts me) I know my husband would never have a simple physical affair so this is why im so surprised and hurt that he got this close to let himself fall in love or infatuation with this woman. We are a young married couple together 5 years im 27 and hes nearly 30. We were married 2 years when affair started properly. I only found out today so of course im devastated, but i have moments of calm and others of saddness I dont know if I can forgive or not. I don''t think hed do it again, but then I dont know if he really loves me now after falling for someone else.

help me find the right path and how do you go about forgiving how to you start to do it right?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello hurting,

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much....let me ask you a couple of questions

When she told you, did she say it was over?

What kinds of marital problems were you having before the affair started?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Well an outside contacted me by email to say I needed to know the truth and that I should speak to this woman and gave the name of where she worked. Instead of confronting her I asked my husband. He dismissed it as a maliciou atempt from an outsider and was all lies. The problem was I engaged out of curiosity with the outside as my husband had begged me not too. My uhsband also tried to contact the outside but in his attempt he released contacts of various friends of his and this woman. I was then given her email address by the outsider. There is history as I had months earlier found a photo of this woman in husbands pocket with I love you and a date. He dismissed it a a friendship and she was thankful for advice and support. I wanted to believe although something wasn't right.

the clues and changes in my husband behaviour in past few months feel like its true that the true affair had stopped. The other woman has detailed to me their affair, from first kiss, walks on the beach, dates and times together, even the fact that she was in my home. I had asked for information to try and cope with the affair. My husband has said that he was infactuated and thought he loved her and wanted to leave for the first 6 months. Then later he knew he didnt want to leave me, she had reacted badly so he had no choice to spend time with her, trying to gently let her down. I recall strange times when he went out into the street with the rubbish and was gone for quite a while, this happened 3 or 4 times. He has now explained that she was desperate to tell me about the affair and he tried to stop her, all the time having to pay her attention. By March this year she tells me she said she didnt want to see him anymore and from that date I did truely notice relief and change infact dramatic change in him. He says he was relieved it was over that she said she didnt want him. Now he didnt have to worry anymore.

There were many instances in last 4 months, where his levels of stress were high and strange things happening, texts and calls through the night Then he turned phone off which he never did as was on call for work! It shows to me he was trying to keep jer away from me.

As for marital problems. During this whole time it seems, my husband and I grew apart, we had started a new life with a house that needed major repair, the first year we were fine and as finances got tighter, and tension over the work on the home our mood to each other changed 3 years from married more or less I had been the one who pulled away and wanted timme with friends and join my own gym etc.. to give me relax time and unwind as at home it was always hectic. He too then was with his friends, in his home town about 45 mins from us, its a small village and I never mentioned I am in Spain he is Spanish and cultural differences seemed to suggest that all nights out was the norm and I trusted him as he was proud if not anythingg to have people think we had a perfect marriage. I also before his affair started to have some kind of feelings for a gym instructor, never any contact, or going out or anything, simply I liked to look at him and fantasise about him. This filled a void in me and Iwas happy for about 6 to 8 months, all the time I was ignoring my husband. We were sexually active up till the moment he started something intimate the first kiss etc.. from the dates I know this. First the sex got less frequent, then I thought its natural after time together, then it got more less. Till at some point it was monthly and longer. I had problems in my work which I spent all my time and energy on and was hurt thinking he didnt love me or that we were simply incompatible. I went through a time of noticing weird behaviour, from frequent messenger use, texts at night, late returns, work seemed to increase. All the usual signs that I always commented on saying its like your having an affair but inside I thought hes just enjoyng his time with his friends. But now I know it was all this time. I got angrier and desperate to fix what was wrong, thinking if I pushed him hard enough he'd want to leave me. I wanted to leave him for a time not understanding how things could get better. All that time he seemed to be a different man, not the affection loving one I was used too. Sex changed to brief two position roll on roll offs, again I thought its life and stresses etc.. maybe it still is. The other woman tells me that the relationship was not sex but love, infact she said he wasn't interested in sex most of the time saying it happened only a few times at the start, Then he said they should save themselves till we were divorced. She said she felt he was deeper than to be after sex and he is thats true, he wasn't after sex I know that for sure. If anyone of us it would be me to find it somewhere if I didnt have enough. He is interested in support and love, that I wanted to give again but couldn't as he was distant, angry and never wanted to spend quality time together, simply eat dinner, fall asleep on sofa watching a dvd.
I had believed this is my life now with him so thats it, after 3 years this is the real man I married. So i was desperate to leave but I am indeed trapped in a foreign country and left alot to be here so i thought il try to fix it. I planned a cruise which was to the time he was begining to want to end his true affair. This worked as it seems, we started to bond. Since then his emotions and behaviour are of stress not joy, I remember early on when he was inthe affiar from the dates I know that he ws blissfully happy when going out to the village with friends. Then after July it came a chore, hurried ruched and almost looked pressurised. Always on his mobile the second he left. Now he says this is she was demanding his attention or she would come to our house and a few times she did. He got angry with her and told her lies, saying i was sick and he had to stay with me. She never accepted it so more lies. I can see the stress and see he was trying to leave her. By March this year he thought it was over, now the intruder in our life looks like its something to do with her as the dates match to when he let her know we had a ski holiday. She was jealous to know of our normal marital relationship, which he always lied to say was not to please her. Then now she knows asI told her Il forgive him as I love him, and now she sent him a text asking him still to choose even now she knows hes been trying to leave her.

I know I seem like maybe I have the answer, Il forgive him for sure, or not forgive maybe go on, I have this feeling that I am one who did wrong, I realise I did push him but he let me go somewhere along the way to. But I don't know how to put the pieces back together. We made love within 3 days of this all coming out, last night and I wanted him as I love him, but in my mind I thought is this right, do I let him near now. I feel like I won something, I feel elated to know he is not that man he's been for the past 18months I feel maybe now we will be happy.. but how do I reconstruct the trust, what are the steps? I feel like I want to proceed so carefully now so we can be stronger than ever. But then I don't want to let myself get comfy and lose sight of all I nearly lost. I could've lost my husband to this woman and I didnt. although I am upset to know she declared he still has a choice

I know I write alot but I am analysed this to pieces and for sure I know too much detail, I am convinced I know everything, which although it hurts I feel better for. It helped me cope with the affair, the reason for it, how I caused it and that he does love me. My husband says he can't say why he let the feelings make he go too far, he said when he looks back he thinks he was someone else. He has only been in 2 relationships both long term including me. He said he confused the feelings of first attractionn and infactuation with love as he didn't know the difference. He realised that he didn't love her like me or at least the way we did when we met and thats what made him try to leave her.

If you can see through all my blurb and understand me, is there any advice for working my way forwards without causing damage to us. I am hopeful, but maybe Im still in shock. At the moment I feel stable I always did do, Im surprisingly calm about it all, but then Im always that way. I have cried at times then been fine. I feel happiness whenI see him cry over this and I don't know why the mix of feelings. I can't eat at the moment as experience I have never had so the nerves are there but generally I seem calm.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
When will I expect a reply?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

the fact that you feel stable and sound almost comfortable with your decisions and choices that you are making regarding your husband and his affair. You can't make any excuses for what he is, just as you cannot blame yourself for things that he did, as he is an adult, and very capable of making his own decisions. What he had done was a series of lies, fabrications and deception for a long period of time, this wasn't just a one night thing. Consequently, you won't be able to get past this in one night....it may take days, weeks, even months for the two of you to work past this if this is what you both want to do.

I like that you sound so strong, even though you have been hurt, you are still looking at things from a realistic point of view. Not that you don't care, but with an understanding of how something like this could happen. If you can keep an open mind, and he is willing to put the same amount of energy into your marriage, that he put into this affair, then I think things will work out well for the two of you. He does need to cut contact with this other woman, even if it means changing his contact information and not hanging out with the boys. At this point, he should be as open and as upfront with you as possible, even if this means letting you answer his phone, read his text messages, letting you know where he will be at all times. Being sure to answer any of your phone calls at anytime. Basically proving to you that he's really vested in this marriage and wants to make it work.

Therapy, if possible, could be helpful. You can learn/re-learn coping and communications skills, as well as work on any issues that brought you both to this place. Yes, stress in a marriage or a relationship can be hard, especially when it comes to finances, but that doesn't mean that you just give up and move on to other relationships; you communicate and you work on what you have. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is we all make mistakes...some bigger than others...but if you think that he is honest on wanting to work things out then you have to decide if you can truly forgive him and move on from this. If you say you are going to forgive, you have to really mean it, and you can't constantly throw it in his face.

Again, he has to earn back your trust, and you have to be honest about your capability and willingness to forgive.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I've been so mixed up with feelings, I now feel like I can go on as before, maybe with the knowldege thinking I was to blame for some problems but not the affair that was his own doing. I do however hope that things will work out for us but I wonder if my feelings of acceptance so soon mean I don't really love as much after all.

I guess time will tell for now thank you for your advice, maybe you can say if its ok to keep on as though it never happened although of course it did and Il be reminded from time to time. I wonder if it's better I force him to admit his affair to his family and make him stay with them for a time, so to know thatI miss him and he misses me. Inside I too like him want to push this aside and get on with my life. I have other issues with work and I need a clear head so its tempting to ignore him but thats why we drifted apart in the first place. So now I think is this a new start or beginning of the end.. after this answer il happily accept. Thank you in advance.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

It's understandable that you would be mixed up. We have to remember that not every relationship is the same, and cannot be dealt with the same? You have to choose the best way to deal with it based on your needs and his needs and what you think will work best and what you're comfortable with. If you think moving on and putting this behind you as fast as you can is the best way to go about it, then that is your personal choice.

If you think he needs to go to his parents, while you get your head together, and give him a chance to think about what he's done. I don't think you should ignore him while he's there, that cuts off the communication. I do think you should be talking with him and making sure that you are not making the same mistakes. He should be willing to prove to you that he's not cheating, by letting you know where he's going, calling, etc, and answering his phone when you call. Don't think about how other people would handle it, think about how you need to handle it for you and him.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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