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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I started seeing this girl about 7 months ago and ...

Customer Question

I started seeing this girl about 7 months ago and think the world of her and to truly believe I love her! Recently I have found out about her past sexual experiences and disagree with a few of her choices! It has been on my mind and has to me what I feel broken my heart! I sometimes vew her differently and i do not want to do that to her - she was on a pedestal and in my mind knocked off and I need to put her back on there, I feel thats where she belongs! I was not a choir boy in the past by any means but was not able to do what she has done because of my morals and beleifs on sex! How do I take the advice that everyone gives wich is usually, its in the past and you need to keep it there, dont think about it, dont worry about it, dont let it get to you etc... never offering how to do said things. I know she could be my wife in the future and do not want any of this mental stress to get in the way, I could not go very much longer with it clouding my every move! Please help? I hate this!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

almighty,

How old are the two of you?

How did you find out about her past?

What are some of the things you disagree with?

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am 26 in less than a month and she has just recently turned 20

I found out simply because I get obsessed with things and can not for the life of me get rid of them until i know so I opened a flood gate and asked and think I got too much at once.

i disagree with the promiscuity of some of them - two incidents the most she has had one three one night stands and she has slept with a guy on the first date. Not knowing any of these men and so willing to just do that bothers me so bad and i have trouble dealing with how she was able to do it! There is more but this is my biggest concern - 2 of them where quite some time ago they dont really bother me although the other 2 where the two guys she saw right before we started dating. It was not but months before our relationship and the images and thoughts of it are killing me!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

My mother used to tell me "don't ask questions if you don't want to know the answers" and that seems to apply well in this case. You have to consider that not everyone is raised the same way. Some people live in a home where there parents would walk around half or wholly nude in front of the children, while other kids, never saw their parents except when fully dressed. Some parents are very lenient about alcohol or drugs, while others would put their kids in military school for it. She is not you, so it's unfair of you to expect her to be like you. I give her credit, that she was honest and upfront about it and didn't feel the need to lie to you, which she could have easily done.

What has happened has happened...and out of those people, she chose to be with you. She chose to be upfront and honest with you about her past, and now you're sitting in judgment of her. Do you think that's fair? Would you rather be with someone who claimed they were so virtuous, while all the time it wasn't true. I think when you're with someone you have to make choices....you make choices about what's important and what's not important, based on your relationship with that person.

You can be upset with this and potentially ruin the best relationship of your life, or you can figure out how to put it out of your head and move on, it's your choice.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am very much pleased with your answer and agree with it! Although and maybe I phrased it wrong. My main concern is trying to put it out of my mind and not think about it - I have made my decision and that is to stay with her and struggle through the thoughts in my mind but as of yet no one has been able to tell me how to quit thinking about it. I love her to much to let her go and would have a world of hurt goin on if i did! I need help trying to get it out of my head when its there! I hope that makes more sense and I am sorry i didnt get it out the first time! Thank you
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Its no problem. There's no magic solution to getting it out of your head, I'm sorry to say. The only way to get it out of your head is to stop being so judgmental, and don't expect her to be like you as you are two different people. To remember that she could have lied, but instead chose to be honest with you.

If you find that you obsess about this and other things, perhaps you need to talk to a therapist, as your problem may encompass far more than just this situation.

There's a trick someone taught me, to put a thick runner band around your wrist, and anytime you think the unwanted thoughts, pull the rubber band back and snap yourself with it, very hard. I know people who have used it for eating, smoking, and other things and it worked well.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I thank you very much and still have questions and a long road ahead of me to get past this and can only hope and pray i do not lose her over this.

The rubber band thing would be far to brutal simply because lately its non ending. I appreciate your time and I would however like to ask you another question and get your thoughts on it after I told you she was Raped at 13! How big of an effect would that have played? I estimate her having slept with about 9-12 different men and 4 of them where mentioned earlier! I feel some of it might be because of it!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Of course that would definitely play a big part in how her sexuality developed. Women that have been raped tend to lose a lot of their self esteem. Some of the things that are in us, that tell us not to do certain things (casual sex) can be lost on them, because they tend to hold a lot of guilt about the rape and can sometimes think that it is their fault that they got raped. The thinking might be,

  • i was raped, i don't deserve anything better
  • i was raped, i must not be worth anything
  • i was raped, i must have caused it somehow

It's not uncommon for a rape victim to be promiscuous, or to not have the same feelings about sex as they normally would, some even opt not to have sex at all or not to deal with men at all. It never affects every woman the same, although they may experience some of the same aftereffects.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Last one! So when we where talking about it i asked that if our first date had gone differently (it was still a good date but i am a gentleman and did not invite her to my house) she said she would not have slept with me! I would not have done it anyway but i was curious how i matched up because 2 of them appearantly gave her a very nice first date! She said it was because she cared a lot about me and has since been telling me she loves me and I mean everything to her - I get confused as to if I meant more to her then them and she gave it up that night to them but would not have to me how do I mean more. i have always been lead to believe you would give that to only a person you care about. How should i take what she said? Good or Bad?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I think it's very good that she felt you were different from everyone else, and you should feel good that she chose you to the person who made a difference in her life. Stop comparing yourself and what you did to those other people. The may have given her a nice date, but they didn't get the girl. I think you're placing a larger emphasis on sex than she is, perhaps she holds intimacy to a higher standard.

If you love her as you say, and she says she loves you, you are already one of the luckiest guys in the world. Don't mess it up over something that can't be changed.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thank you and i appreciate all of your advice and hope i may continue to pick your brain and i do need to except what has happened and understand I have her and she has chosen me and once again thank you for giving me much more positive to work with! I will try my hardest to put things into the perspective they belong and continue to treat her how she deserves and that to me is beautiful!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues