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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ive had fantasies involving limited exhibitionsm for ...

Customer Question

Ive had fantasies involving limited exhibitionsm for years. Recently I finally got the nerve to reveal them to my wife and suggested she share in them with me. Making love out doors, posting pictures on the net etc. She flattly refused calling the idea "slutty". What can I do now? Live the rest of my life without my true desires fulfilled? Should I keep on asking? Are these reasonable requests?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Rgrove,

Were these fantasies you had before you were married?

Posting pictures of you? her? both?

How old are the two of you? How long have you been married?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
These fantasies developed over the first 10 years of our relationship, as our sexual activity declined. She claimed the mix of education, work and family dampened her sex drive. (2 or 3 times a year)She claims she feels more confident now about regular sex but the damage is one. Ive developed more adventurous needs from my fantasy life.

I really only fantasize about posting her pictures, soft porn I suppose, posing and such. Not us.

Im 43, she is 30. We were married when she was 18. We raised my first two children from my first marriage and now have twins 3 years old.

Thanks
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
My requests dont seem unreasonable or extravagant to me but I suppose they are a little risky. Doing a strip tease for me in a secluded by public place, engaging in sexual activity in our backyard or in the car on the side of the road. Perhaps sharing a picture with an excited chatter online. Flashing a passing trucker on the highway? Are these really that odd?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I wonder where these fantasies came from. Were they result of a sexually deprived male ego, or maybe some resentment toward her at some level and hense now a desire to expose her or something. I dont know. I dont really know how to proceed.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Its been 9 hours since you last posted, is that normal for this sight. I dont mean to complain just didnt expect this long a delay.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Rgrove,

I apologize, I had not seen your response. I will work on your post now. Give me a few minutes to review and respond. Again, I apologize for any inconvenience

Chase

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Rgrove,

You've brought up some interesting points. One being resentment towards her for the lack of sex, which is a real possibility, particularly since the fantasies involve some sort of aspect of being 'caught'.

I wouldn't say that's the whole reasoning.....these fantasies are not as uncommon as you think. However, although they are not uncommon, they are not commonplace enough to expect her to comply right off the bat. The fact that you say sex has dropped to 2 or 3 times a year means that you'll have to start in essence from scratch before you could approach her with these fantasies. There has to be a certain amount of sexual trust developed before she could even be expected to consider these requests.

I'm sure you have trust between the two of you, but your sex life is lacking, and theres many things you can do to bring it back to life, but it's going to take efforts from both of you not just one. Getting a babysitter every other weekend if possible and basically taking things back to the days when you first met and trying to capture that fire, passion and excitement that was once there. Remember those days when she would do anything for you and you would do anything for her?

Yes, a fantasy life, especially one that is fed on todays world wide web can result in unrealistic expectations. While she may flatly refuse one thing, she may comply with another, but either way it's going to take time, and most of all trust. Engaging in exhibition type fantasies, requires a large amount of trust and intimacy....if someone is not comfortable in their skin or with their partner, it's not going to happen without a lot of work. If the two of you are not consistently intimate with each other, it's going to be near impossible to get her to even consider these things. You can't go from 0 to 100, there has to be a middle ground.

A strip tease in a secluded but public place. Would she do a strip tease for you in your own bedroom? What's in it for her? Engaging in sexual activity in our backyard or in the car on the side of the road. Is your backyard visible to the neighbors? Is there a way you can make your backyard more conducive to passion? Sharing a picture with an excited chatter online. Are you aware that pictures, once put online can never be retrieved? Could find their way onto endless porn sites? Are sometimes used by excited chatters as blackmail? Any pictures taken for online use should never show any identifying features. This includes tattoos, moles, faces, backgrounds, etc....all of which can be photo shopped out of the picture. Flashing a passing trucker on the highway. Takes a lot of guts. Worst case scenario, some truck driver takes down your plate number.

Don't get me wrong, as a woman I'm telling you that there are safety issues. There are also comfort issues. I'm not saying these things are impossible or improbable, you just have to figure out how to work them into what you already do. Perhaps if she knew that none of the pictures would identify her, she would consider it. Perhaps if you asked her to take some pictures of you to get the ball rolling, might help.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I appreicate your time. Id like to think on your comments for a bit, sleep on them if you will. Ill get back to you tomorrow certainly with a final comment. Thanks again.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Rgrove,

No problem. I look forward to speaking with you.

Warmly

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
You are absolutely right about pacing things in the beginning. I suppose I sort of knew that intuitively but your comments on it really have me thinking on it further. Ill have to be patient in even the best of circumstances.

Rekindling old passions is definitely a priority as well. Im already working on that angle, a weekend away etc.

You mention the comfort zone of regular intimacy as a precursor to more adventurous encounters. I dont think I considered that, a slow step by step approach may be the only chance I have. Each time we are together lending itself to something a bit more adventurous the next. Again.. Patience... I know.

At this point no, she would not peform a strip tease for me at home. Even that is above her comfort area, but perhaps in time with coaxing, then once she got used to that.. maybe.

Our backyard is very secure, 8' high fences and several outbuildings and trees that screen much of the yard from onlookers, although its POSSIBLE that someone in the right place could see something. I could make it more secure but then what would be the point. If we are in a tent out there it really doesnt serve the purpose does it?

As to pictures, it was never my intent to show her face, but even then surfing amateur sites reveals thousands of individual's photos. Is it really that risky to think someone would post them beyond our initial intent? I suppose its possible that someone you know could somehow recognize you but I find the liklihood very slim.

As for flashing a trucker, I see that as the least risky of any of this. Its a 10 second window of opporunity, after which, even in the unlikihood of a driver actually being offended, one can alwasy deny it, claiming the changing of a shirt while on the road or something after a spilled drink or something. Again, I appreciate your concern but I dont see the risk here.

Please, i dont mean to come up overly defensive. It is exactly these issues that I wanted to discuss. I was very worried that my desires were "over the top" and even deviant. From what I hear you saying they arent, but may require some realistic screening as to what is wise to partake in and what is just too risky, and even in those areas where its safe, a very slow and caring approach may be my only way to move her into them.

Very frustrating from my end though, where those babysteps I obviously have to wait and watch her take, are not even close to where I want to be. I love her though and want this to be the beginning of a better relationship sexually, not just a private fantasy fulfilled. Im willing to do what it takes.

So I gather with your comments about the yard and such that maybe my TENT comment isnt really out of the question. It actually might ger her outside and in the right activity? Right? Then, maybe wiht the tent flap open, etc.

Comments?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Oh,one other thing. I thought heavily about the possibility of some hidden resentment and honestly I cant be sure. I do think it odd that these fantasies have never been part of my sexuality before, manifesting only over the past few years as my wife denied me. Clearly its a possibility and something Ill have to continue to think about. I would hate to think that Im actually harboring some desire to humiliate her sexually or something. Right now I dont think so but its close enough to cause me to wonder.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

You sound like you love your wife. Consider that the resentment may not be targeted at her exactly but more toward the situation that has grown worse over the years, for whatever reason. Try not to place the blame on anyone in particular, sometimes life just gets in the way.

Patience is key. You're right, bit by bit, encounter after encounter can help her feel more and more comfortable. However what's really going to help her be more open is you. You've got to figure out what pushes her buttons, and most of all figure out what really turns her on.

If you can get her turned on, and I mean white hot, it may take some work on your part, but boy will it be worth it. It all depends on how much you're willing to invest. Sexuality and passion has to reach outside the bedroom, and gravitate away from the genitals to get the type of passion your looking for. That I don't care who sees us, I have to have you now, type passion. It's going to have to appeal to her brain, and you want he to be at work or at the supermarket, thinking about making love to you.

First thing is opening the lines of communications (patience), simply talk about sex more. Tell her what you like about her body, the nape of her neck, her breasts, her scent, her eyes. Ask her what her fantasies are, what would she like to do that she's never done, and then make it happen for her. Buy a sensual book (not sex book) but something that has tasteful nudes of men and women, something you can give her as a gift.

Try giving her a massage....full body, nothing but a towel, candles, music, wine, the works, whatever you know she likes. You can use a bristle hair brush and brush her body from her neck to her toes, and after use hot oil (sit in a sink of hot water) to give her a massage. Make her feel good without expecting anything back from her, even if it means letting her fall asleep and kissing her on her forehead.

Order some catalogs on sex toys, and look at them in the bed together and see what interests her and order it. Leave sexy and sweet notes for her in the least likely places. Call her in the middle of the day just to tell her you're thinking about her. You can get thousands of ideas for romantic idea by simply googling 'romantic ideas'.

I it has to be a tent, then let it be a tent. You can move on from there. If you're not showing your faces in the pictures, then don't worry about it. Why don't you offer her to take your pictures first. Or the two of you can take pictures while having sex. Let her keep the camera or hold the pictures until she feels comfortable. If she never wants to post them, don't push, if you can get her to even take the pics that will be a first step.

You may be right about the truck driver one, maybe I watch too many horror movies. (smile)

I don't consider these thoughts too over the top or deviant, although I know there are people that would. She may not consider them right now, but in time she may trust you enough and feel passionate enough to be willing to compromise.

I hope this helps

Chase

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks Ms Chase, youve been extremely helpful. Ive known a compromise was the answer but just couldnt imagine a middle ground. Obviously some of what I imagine should stay exactly that, imagined. Im not nearly as liberal as I might sound but years of frustration have stretched my imagination and bit for sure. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Please remember that there's nothing wrong with having a fantasy life. The internet is a great way to delve into fantasy's without "getting your hands dirty" per say. You can have a passionate and healthy sex life with your wife, and still have healthy fantasies.

I'm glad I was able to help. Please feel free to request me by name anytime you would like to talk. I am at your service.

Chase

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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues