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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ms. Chase,

Customer Question

Ms. Chase,

You were so helpful last time I needed advice I would like to speak with you again.

Last time I was asking with regards XXXXX XXXXX new relationship with an absolutely wonderful man and introducing him to my children. Everything has gone wonderful and they are slowly developing a great relationship with him. He is loving and kind and makes them laugh. I have come to realize how important it is to him to have a relationship with my children. So we have jumped that hurdle and continue to fall in love.

I am struggling currently with emotion I am having trouble controlling and feel extremly silly, immature and quite honestly pathetic! Prior to our first date back in January... even prior to our first meeting in October 2007, a "family" cruise was planned by his best friends parents... I mean family... 70 people... his best friend only married 3 years ago and until then they were quite inseparable and still remain close... my Mr. Wonderful lost his Mother 20 yrs ago to Cancer so his friends family really is like his own. Anyway I'm babbling... so the cruise was gifted at Christmas. He was not given the cruise but invited to be a part of it so planned/paid his way and they left March 20. Well his friend's wife, the reason we met in the first place... our 13 yr old daughters play soccer together, tried to get him to bring me along... another family member that was to be his cabin mate was unable to go on the cruise at the last minute (March 17 this was announced)... so she was betting him if he asked if I could come that I would say "yes" or "no"... she did this with a group outing and I was quite upset that she would put him on the spot like that... there is a past history of him dating a friend of hers that went quite sour and ended up on a trip together that I believe was quite miserable for him a few years ago. So I say no I cannot go as soon as I realize he is totally uncomfortable with the entire situation... I politely tell her privately to please do not pressure him and put him in such a humilating situation. So later when we are leaving the function and have time alone... he sort of says "well if you want to get a plane ticket... but I don't know for sure so and so cannot come... " so I tell him if he had of asked me some time ago under different circumstances I would have dropped everything and made arrangements to go with him. That was the end of the conversation and I have wished him nothing but great times since... I sent him off with a new nautical style polo shirt... a novel... a letter filled with the things I love about him and wished him a wonderful holiday... he deserves it let me tell you. He called from the airport on departure, called when they arrived in San Juan and called prior to boarding the cruise ship. He is gone a total of 10 days and it is day number four and I cannot stop crying! I of course am busy with my children, my job, life... so I feel like an absolute ass... I am quite capable of making myself happy, I feel like I am missing so much some how... I feel insecure... though there is absolutely no reason for that... except I'm 42 and have visions of 20 something bikini clad bodies! Which trust me is ridiculous because I trust him with my life and besides he has the entire "family" aboard whom all know me and have already told me prior to their departure he talks non stop about me. I know he misses me, I know he wishes I was there... I know that we have a long wonderful future together and will have lots of wonderful vacations together in future... botXXXXX XXXXXne how in the heck do I get through the next week without ending up in a straight jacket??? Help!!!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

OK, first, I want you to take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and then let it out. Do this a few times until you feel more relaxed. Ask yourself if there's a project you can focus on while he's gone. Redecorating your bedroom as a surprise when he gets home, changing a part of the yard or garden, maybe getting a makeover yourself. Can you go away for a few days to visit family? Can you and the kids do something really special together, like a weekend trip?

It takes a big person to say no about the trip, and to let him go on his own and enjoy his self, you should be very proud of yourself. It's not worth it to worry about what can happen or bikini clad girls, if he's a good man you won't have to worry about that, and he sounds like a good man. Why don't you start researching for a trip the two of you can take in the near future? When all else fails you can do some spring cleaning, empty out all of your closets and drawers, garage, etc and have a yard sale or drop things off to goodwill.

Of course if you want to write to me everyday, I'll try and help you get through it, lol. I know it's driving you crazy, but the key is to keep as busy as you possibly can. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Don't laugh I am emailing my sister everyday for help through this... its really not the bikini clad girls... its the missing him, missing all the fun. He is a good man and I love him... I know I couldn't love him if I worried about trusting him. Besides, he is the Godfather of his friend's one year old twins and part of his mission was to help them with the boys even though and nanny was going along... and I know the nanny. I did decide last week I was going to workout until my butt hurt ... I workout regularly anyway but thought I could put an extra step in and concentrate on that... it has helped. The weekend is over and they return next Saturday evening so over that hurdle. I have my children's soccer ongoing all week. I did get my hair cut and colored Saturday and that helped. I have now gone 24hrs without hearing from... I know thats okay... should I send a quick text?? I last said bon voyage and got a text saying "I am underway" meaning the ship was leaving the port and "love ya"... just prior to him leaving I told him I loved him, he said he loved me. So that was a first ... the "love ya" text... it is usually "miss ya". So I know they are amongst the islands and busy with excurstions etc... but should I send a quick miss you or wait for him to contact me?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
P.S. I would love to go to my family's but I am Canadian and they all live in Canada and I'm in SoCal with children in school... I have a very small group of friends here so that makes it difficult to keep busy that way... he was working 12hr days the 10 days prior to him leaving on this cruise... so only go to see each other briefly then... so I did Spring garden planting to keep busy then... but at least we spoke on the phone each day... I would plan a weekend away but feel a little pushy by doing that and he will not have time off for a while after this trip... sorry I am trying to breath deep! You are a blessing!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Definitely send him a little text and say something small, like miss you/love you. I figured you have the kids in school, I was meaning go away with the girls on the weekend, but you're almost through this! One more week....and you can do it. :) The exercise is always a good thing. Start planning a nice coming home dinner. Nothing too heavy because he may be tired (from vacation, lol), but something relaxing where you can all hear about the trip.

Chase

(keep breathing...are you journaling? Grab an empty notebook or journal and write some of your feelings down...it's a great way to get some of that excess anxiety out.)

 

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am journalling and that helps big time! This coming back is bugging me... he said he comes back Saturday... but he never said when they get in... he never asked "can I see you right away" and he knows I have to plan ahead with my girls... I could arrange for them to be at their Dad's. I think they must get in late Saturday night so not planning on seeing him. My girls have soccer games Sunday at noon and 2pm. I am sure his head was just on leaving on his trip but I cannot even really plan a dinner when I haven't been given enough info. I know he has to work early Monday morning but I am a little upset he hasn't made plans to see each other as soon as he returns. I will try and text something off now... please let me know what you think of the above... you really help... thanks Ms. Chase.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I understand what you're saying. Just plan the dinner for the following weekend. He will have to get unpacked, and get everything ready to get back to work, just try to be understanding. I know its hard because you miss him so much. Let him know that you would like to have a dinner the following weekend and see what he says. This was a big trip, and guys usually have a hard time thinking ahead, they are much better at focusing on the moment, so don't be too hard on him.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I definately agree, and I would never say anything about him not planning ahead because he so often does...that's why I know his focus was just on getting on vacation... and he had dinner with my girls and I the night before he left... we already do have plans for the Saturday night the weekend after he gets home so I am happy about that... and I know he needs down time before he goes back to work and only gets Sunday to unwind and unpack so I will wait for him to be in touch. I just sent a quick miss you/love you text... I feel better. Thank you for all of your help!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Should I expect to get a reply from him with regards XXXXX XXXXX text??
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Lady,

I apologize, I stepped out for a moment. I'm glad you feel better, deep breaths, lol. Not sure about the texts, I know when my sister went on her cruise, she only got about half my texts, and some of them she would get hours and even days after I sent them. So be patient, depending on where he is he may not have gotten it yet. He may eve have his phone put up......so it's not about the response, but about you sending him a nice note saying that you're thinking about him.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. What do you mean by his phone "put up", its been a while since I was on a cruise... do you mean they lock them away in some kind of storage? I know he probably doesn't have it while he is off the ship but he is the kind of guy that always has his phone. I certainly understand about the receiving half of the text or not for hours... even locally the odd time it takes a while for me to receive something from him.    And its not that I get a response I just want him to know I'm thinking of him.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
I meant just that it might be in his room/bag. I many times don't take my phone because I'm too afraid of losing it so far from home or having it lifted....thats all. :)
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Thank you... I thought so but no sure... I am from Canada and when I go home if I leave my phone on the roaming charges are RIDICULOUS... if my girls are not with me I do that in case of an emergency... no land line at my vacation home. I have not heard from him so I am assuming he has turned it off. I did send another text late last night ... thinking maybe the first one was "lost in space" "sending smiles/hugs/kisses" ... so I do believe he has turned it off. From what I understand the wifi connections now a days are very good so you can get service just pricey from your carrier. He is Irish...very money weary...in a good way! lol! I will not contact him again until I hear from him. Five days down, five to go! Why do women have to be so ridiculous about their emotions and carry this angst... there are times, brief moments, I wish I was a man!!!

Thank you again... if you would kindly send a response I would like to talk further.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Yes, roaming charges can get out of hand if you're not careful.

Believe it or not there are men who feel this way that we feel, some of them let it out and talk about their emotions and angst, I talk to them all the time :) While others have been taught from childhood, not to cry like a 'baby' or a 'girl', or to act like a man. You do have some guys that are able to talk openly and intelligently about their feelings, but many men hold those sort of things in, whether it's fear of rejection or fear of being viewed as too 'soft'. You sound like you've got a good guy, and I'm only wishing good things for you.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX no idea how helpful it is to talk about this right now! He is wonderful and pretty good about expressing his feelings. I did have one of his friends tell me on St. Patrick's Day ... he was out with buddies then the wives/girlfriends met up with them later... to DRIVE HOME... ha, ha (crazy loving Irish bunch that they are)! Anyway his friend told me privately that he had been talking about me all day! So I take some comfort in thinking maybe he is struggling a wee bit too with the separation. I don't know why I just have this terrible feeling in my "gut" I am missing out on something... I don't know if I am jealous of missing the great vacation ... I trust him, he is a wonderful human being and honest and kind, he also has a strong Catholic faith and I would never think of him being unfaithful... besides the poor guy is surrounded by 69 "family" members that know me and know we are in a relationship. Its just not his style anyway... he is one of those men that people find a bit strange and off the beaten track... odd sense of humour that I so totally get and appreciate. I feel I discovered secretly he is PERFECT and I cannot believe I got so lucky! Then I think maybe that's what true love really is... feeling like you won the prize that no one else took the time to look for or dig deep enough to discover. I think I definately feel insecure right now... not sure why, I am not a jealous type, maybe its because our relationship is fresh... 3 months, or again, this feeling I am missing a time I should not be. I really appreciate you saying I did a good thing by not going on the trip... I know in my heart that was a decision that will affect our relationship forever... that though it was not my place... it was a kind of "letting him go on his own" moment. We are in our 40's ... not 20's... I don't want to be told what to do any more than he does.

I know in my heart we will be together forever. I know this is the one difficult period I need to get through because there will not be another vacation like this one of us takes on our own. But why this lingering feeling... why this insecurity??? Help! Thank you!

Tracy
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

If I were to put myself in your shoes, I think that I would be feeling that way because I know that he's with many people that know him and love him and I would like to have been there to bask in that love with him and to be a part of that experience (much like your friend who introduced you is a part of that family). Although you felt she was out of line to suggest that he invite you, a part of you probably wishes he'd been a little more persisitant in getting you to go, and wonders if his lack of persistance means something more than it may, if you follow what I'm saying.

That is what love is about, finding that person who is that issing part of the puzzle for you, that crosses your t's and dots your i's. Here's on of my favorite poems about love

What was in that candle's light
that opened and consumed me so quickly?
Come back, my friend.
The form of our love is not a created form.
Nothing can help me but that beauty.
There was a dawn I remember when my soul
heard something from your soul.
I drank water from your spring,
and felt the current take me.

(Rumi)

 

 

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

or this one

 

When love beckons to you follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,

that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,

and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,

and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love,

for if it finds you worthy, it directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart

and a song of praise upon your lips.

(khalil Gibran)

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. Truly beautiful and meaningful poems I am very appreciative of and will keep to reread again and again.

I think that is a very good answer to wanting to be with him on this vacation. At the time I did want him to be more persistant, the same friend I mentioned earlier told me, "he wouldn't have the balls to ask you himself, so I think you should tell him you want to be with him and if you'll have me I would like to go". I thought about that for quite a while. In the end, my "gut" once again told me NO. And to repeat myself, that this was of great importance to my relationship NOT to go.

His best friend, the one with him on the cruise, told me a while ago that B. is very conservative and cautious. The way and context in which it was said meant to me that I just needed to be patient with B. (I do know his last relationship (approx. a year and a half ago) ended badly and he was quite hurt).   I worred at one point early on that possibly he still had feelings for this other woman but have since come to realize that is not true. I think the same reason he asked me how long my marriage had been over with and why it ended. I am cautious and conservative as well... the St. Patty's Day friend also mentioned to me that B. felt a little distanced from my life because of my cautiousness with my girls. Well I had him over for dinner with my girls the night before he left for his holiday. It was wonderful and amazing... its like he's always been a part of our lives and my daughters are becoming very fond of him. I think it made a big difference to him and we already have plans in April to attend a baseball game with my daughters.   

I must add, he called Friday a.m. from San Juan to let me know they had arrived safe and sound. Then Friday night I received a voicemail msg from him - there had obviously been some Puerto Rican rum involved but besides the singing, I think it was singing...lol... he repeated a couple of times that I was "the beautiful ideal woman". Well that's enough to knock any girl off her socks... sober or not. What's so funny is I've never seen him drunk or babbling like that so it was pretty hilarious. I think after all his work and exhaustion some stress had to be rid...which I think is important and was quite comical.

And I already told you about his text saying he was on his way and "love ya". So I know I really need to just get over myself and keep busy and thinking he didn't persue the avenue of getting me to go may be at the root of this angst.

Please review and leave your thoughts. Thank you!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

As women we are given a special gift called women's intuition. Sometimes we call it our 'gut feeling', when it comes to our children we call it 'motherwit', when it comes to general life we call it 'common sense', lol. If your gut feeling told you that you were making the right decision, then you made the right decision. All of this other fear, longing, sadness, possibly a little anger mixed in, is because you wanted to 'control' the situation by either going with him or him pressuring you to go, at least them you would have had the satisfaction of knowing he wanted you to go. When we let go of a situation that we could have potentially controlled we 'free fall', we don't know where things will end up or where we'll land, and that's a pretty scary position to be in. What we have to learn, is to trust our instincts, trust our gut, trust our motherwit and know that when we trust it, much like cats, we will always land on our feet. When you know yourself, you trust yourself, when you trust yourself you can't lose.

Don't ever second guess how you handled things with your girls. I believe that was our very first conversation. You handled it very well, many could learn from you on that and prevent a lot of heartache with their kids if they would take the same route.

I'm here if you want to talk more.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I believe you are so right. I do believe STRONGLY in women's intuition! Thank you again for the poems, I reread a few times yesterday while sitting at the car wash... then of course I'm in tears... quite lovely! I am happy with the way I handled things with my daughters. Their father has had a girlfriend pretty much since we split about 6 years ago and that was difficult for them. At that point I did vow I would wait and just be their Mom. I am happy I did... even though I had occasional dates I found no one I wanted to get serious with so they are unaware I ever even dated anyone else. I truly believe this wonderful man I am in love with was kept just for me when the time was right. The funny thing is I have known his friends for about 2.5 years and he said he actually saw me a year or so ago at one of the soccer games he attended to see his friend's stepdaughter play. He even repeated a few things I had said to Tory and recounted watching me watch the game. I never saw him... but how odd. I believe the time wasn't right.

I still have not heard anything from him. I am sad about that but understand he is unable to get in touch... so dealing with it. I am secretly hoping I hear from "family" members or just anyone upon return that he missed me while on the trip and spoke about me. How silly, but last night was tough. The girls were at their Dad's so it was a long night! My house is so clean its disgusting. I am a Anaheim Ducks fan and they have not played in 3 days so I've struggled... I actually had to watch Eastern Conf. teams last night for a bit just to get my mind off things! There is a game on tonight and its another soccer night so thats a relief. I have been working out more than usual and that helps! I have a hike and breakfast with a girlfriend Saturday morning...she is struggling in her marriage right now so it helps me listening and talking with her to STOP feeling so ridiculously sorry for myself!

I know the cruise ship arrives Saturday a.m. early... but he hasn't given me any info on when his flight is or when they get into LAX. Yes, I am kind of ticked... because I would make plans for the girls to be at their Dad's Sat. or Sunday so we can see each other. The girls have afternoon soccer games Sunday so I would have to plan around that. Anyway, I am not mad at him, I know he was busy getting away and he is always considerate when it comes to my children and always says "you set the schedule because you have a full plate and I will work around it". So I expect to hear from him Saturday and hopefully he will ask if/when I'm free. Its difficult with Sunday soccer games and he has to be back at work at 6am Monday and I know he will be exhausted from the flight etc... I am always so darn organized that you're right... when I cannot plan in advance and organize it DRIVES ME NUTS!   So I am letting that worry go and will just be glad to hear from him and hopefully get a chance to see him, even briefly, on Sunday.

Please leave your comments...its helps so very much! Thank you.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Ms. Chase,

Today is turning out to be more difficult that I anticipated. I am really struggling today. I cannot stop watching the time... thinking okay he's three hours ahead, whats he doing, they are in St. Luicia today... what do they have planned. I am angry too, I keep thinking, why the heck should I make myself so darn available for when he returns when I don't even know when the HECK he gets back. Why should I just drop everything and wait for his call. And sometimes if he cannot get a hold of me and has to leave a message or two he sounds ticked. Why shouldn't I plan my weekend ... I know I should but I don't want to! Why didn't he tell me the kinds of things he was going to be doing, why didn't he tell me he was going to be shutting off his phone??? Why, why, why! I feel so left out! I wonder if he's been in touch with his Dad? With his brother?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Ok, breathe...breathe....take a really big breath, hold it and slowly exhale.

You've got to learn somehow to control how you're feeling because the last thing you want to exude at any time around the object of your affection is desperation. You've told me that he's a good guy, and that your instinct was to let him go and enjoy himself. So let him do that. On vacation with that many people has to be a huge ordeal every day. They are probably getting him up at the crack of dawn and he's probably falling into his bed at night....be a little easy on him, this is a situation that won't likely happen again right?

No one is saying that you should drop everything. In fact, you should do what you normally do, and if you do drop everything, recognize that is a personal choice to decide to do that based on how you feel, not because he is asking you, or forcing you. You know you should but you don't want to. :)

He may not have known everything he was going to be doing, and you don't know that he shut off his phone. Yes, I'm a little disappointed that he hasn't called or sent you a text, but we can't think the worst.

What do you do in your spare time besides watch basketball and soccer? (eastern conf, that is basketball right? I'm sports challenged, lol)

Here's another poem for you. This poem, to me says a lot about patience too. Let me know what you think about it.

...................................

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield,

upon which your reason and your judgment wage war

against your passion and your appetite.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul,

that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements

into oneness and melody.

But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers,

nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift,

or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining;

and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason,

that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection,

and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite

even as you would two loved guests in your house.

Surely you would not honour one guest above the other;

for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars,

sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows -

then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."

And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest,

and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky,

- then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."

And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest,

you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

(khalil gibran)

 

Chase

 

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Wow that one is "heavy", but thank you.

Yes, I am breathing. I was talking hockey... sorry. I am babbling. So breathing again. I am disappointed I haven't heard from him too, even an email... I know his friend's Mom will have her laptop...they run a huge company that most of them are gone from right now, so you can darn well bet they are in touch! Maybe he has tried to contact me and cannot... I don't know. YOU BET THIS IS NEVER HAPPENING AGAIN! LOL! LOL! Seriously though... it was funny before he left he said to me jokingly... "this is all your fault, see what you get for not knowing me prior to this trip being planned", ha, ha. So no, this was just timing and next trip I am so there... and I know in my heart he misses me as well... its just easier when you are the one ON THE VACATION being entertained and hanging out with friends, blah, blah, blah. Don't worry he will NEVER know how desperate I feel... its between you and I...trust me on this one! My closest friends don't know how desperate I feel... just that I miss him terribly. I feel I can be a little more embarrassingly honest with you.

I am going to Canada in June for a week with my girls to visit my sister and he is not coming. But hardly a "CRUISE OF A LIFE TIME" kind of situation. I haven't even met his family. As a matter of fact, I will meet his Dad, brother and their wives etc... in April at a fundraiser he has invited me to. I have met one of his step sisters, which will make it easier but I am quite excited about it!

So, now him not contacting me is going to bug him... even a work mate asked if I have heard from him yet??

HELP!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I meant BUG ME not him... its driving me nuts!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for the bonus, that was very nice of you. Sorry about my ignorance, I don't know from hocky or basketball, lol. I can't venture to say why he hasn't reached out, or even if he has reached out, he may have or he could be very caught up....thats what we're supposed to do on vacation right? I know you miss him terribly, and that this is driving you nuts. Look at it this way, today is WED so you only have a couple more days to go, you've almost made it through. Granted you've got a new hairstyle, and your house is immaculate, but those are good things, right. At the very least, you haven't done anything destructive with your time (unless there's something you're not telling me?)

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Do you think I should try calling him? Definately nothing destructive... unless eating a few extra Mrs. See's chocolates counts but I'm working my buns off at the same time! I'm angry now. I could text my girlfriend and see if she responds??? It could be subtle?? Let him know Im thinking of him can't reach him??? What do you think... its making me feel unappreciated. I wrote this 6 page letter for him to take... very sweet ... all the things I appreciate about him and how wonderful he is and makes me feel... lots of humor too...telling him to have a great time blah, blah, blah. If he gave me a letter like that I would be on top of the world AND CERTAINLY GIVE HIM A CALL ONCE OR TWICE DURING THE ABSENCE. From everything the website says about wifi you can get service the entire trip!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

lol, you're on the website? I would say yes....go ahead and call him or your girlfriend. At the very least you can say that you were getting a little worried after texting him a couple of times, and just wanted to make sure that everything was ok. Be very casual, and do NOT apologize for calling, why shouldn't you call and say hi?

Nothing wrong with chocolate but it could contribute to how you're feeling, so you may want to try something different. Fresh fruit.

I know you would do things differently, but I once asked my mother why a friend of mine wouldn't do something a certain way, and she said "you cant expect people to act like you, or do something like you, because they aren't you", and that stuck with me. You don't know what he's thinking, so your imagination is running away with itself.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am feeling silly if I call to tell you the truth. Should I just pass it off as a guy being a guy and having fun on his holiday and just not thinking about me. I mean guys are just wired so different. I'm afraid if he has his phone off and turns it on come Saturday and has all these text msgs or voice msgs from me he will think OMG??? I also think if I get a hold of my girlfriend all of the rest of the family will hear about how I had to get in touch with her to check on him...
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Ok, I forgot to ask, how may texts have you sent, and how many voice mssg have you left?

 

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Two text msgs... two days ago... no calls at all.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Oh, then I wouldn't worry about it. He can see when the texts were sent, they have a date on them. At this point, you texted him two days ago and haven't heard back, it's normally to start to worry a little, we live in a crazy world. I would call and if you get the machine you ca say that you just wanted to say hello, and see if he was having a good time. You thought about him today because (insert anecdote here) and were a tad worried because you hadn't heard back from him. Hope everything is ok and he's having a wonderful time. You won't be considered crazy for that at all.

You do make a good point about calling your gf though. It could be taken that you're kind of checking up on him.

Tomorrows Thursday.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I think I am going to wait until tonight to see if he does try to call... its four days now with no word. So he knows I'm at work and I will see if he does call this evening. Thanks and I will be in touch tomorrow ... Thursday.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Good morning Ms. Chase,

Are you getting sick of me yet?? LOL! Well you have been a blessing to me this week let me tell you! I was very busy yesterday with girls soccer and then the hockey game and ran my 3 miles. Last evening was a good one... thank goodness! Its been a long week. I am off work tomorrow as I am going with my youngest daughter on her third grade field trip. So I look forward to that. I have not heard from Mr. Wonderful and it just so happens I saw a friend yesterday afternoon briefly that by chance brought up the fact her and some workmates had been discussing roaming charges on their cell phones as one had been on vacation recently. That reinstilled my thought on his phone being off and he is particularly money leary. Besides you are right... isn't a vacation for shutting down all the interruptions of daily life and having some fun without phones/tv/blah, blah, blah, and I guess that would include a girlfriend ...lol... its cute because I was just remembering when we had our first few dates his friend's wife, also my acquantiance, told me he had asked her about calling me and if maybe he was calling too much. In my heart I do believe he is missing me but this was a well deserved break for him and maybe as my Mum says ... distance/absence makes the heart grow fonder... I didn't want to hear that at the beginning of the week but maybe some time on his own has helped him reflect on our relationship and discover my importance in his life. I pulled out my copy of the six page letter I sent him off with for his reading pleasure and reread it last night... his head should be the size of Texas by now. Anyway, it took me about a month to complete and fine tune that letter, love note, whatever... I will be interested to see what he says about it... no response is necessary but I hope he will make some kind of comment... but if not, again, he is not me... at least I take comfort in knowing he will reread it (he keeps all sorts of concert tickets/movie tickets/hockey tickets/ cards I've sent him/ of places and things we've done... and keep it tucked away.

I would appreciate your comments once again and any more great advice about just handling the next couple of days... thanks again.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

You don't have to worry about me getting sick of you, you have made me smile more than a few times this week, so you've been a blessing to me as well.

Guess what? Tomorrows FRIDAY. :) Yes, those roaming charges can be pretty bad, perhaps the phone is cut off or put away. I do think he should have made at least one call or text to let you know he was ok (but that's probably the girly part of me that wants to have that bit of control...."call me, I would have called you", lol) Its kind of nice to hear that he was worried about calling too much, lets you know that he's concerned about getting it right, and wanting to do the right thing in your eyes. Your right, it would be nice to get his comments or thoughts about the letter, but don't expect it if he's not a talker like that, its enough to know that he read it and has a handle on how you feel.

Did you decide to call him?

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
No I decided NOT to call him. I am not sure why, but that's the route I decided on... my gut I think. I may try tonight or tomorrow... not sure yet. I do know that if they were getting service my daughter may have heard from her friend (the best friend's stepdaughter)...and my daughter has heard nothing. Also, a good friend of the best friend's wife (sorry)... I saw last night... we carpool for soccer... anyway she made a comment about where they must be and would have told me if she'd heard from her.

I sort of think it's a guy being a guy and why does he need to call... I am waiting to hear from another great guy...my brother-in-law and get his opinion on the no call thing - he's a great advice giver (only when asked) and an honest one... he'll say if he would call and what his take is... I rely on his advice sometimes from the guy's point of view.

Mr. Wonderful is a talker - very open and lays it on the table, bluntly, to the point.. I love it...because I am for the most part decisive, always... I know this week thats hard to believe. He has his insecurities too, if I was to ask why he didn't call he would feel terrible and be very apologetic and I don't want to make him feel that way. Maybe he is buying some fabulous piece of jewelry in Barbados and all will be water under the bridge...LOL!!!

He always calls and texts regularly - however, what if I was hit by a car and in the hospital - I think he'd want to know - he worries about his Dad so I would think he would make sure his brother could get a hold of him - maybe he's called his brother and not me - my gut says no. He also is 41, never married, no children, he has lived on his own and been responsible for only himself forever! Spent 8 yrs in the Navy right out of high school, during which time he lost his Mom. The best friend's wife once told me in the beginning of our dating that he doesn't have a lot of experience with women. So I think that could be another explanation, he isn't used to being in long term relationships and the last one I believe was a bit of a long distance one so it wasn't day to day like ours has become... believe it or not in the city of Los Angeles you so rarely meet someone close by ...its always an hour or two away, we are 8 minutes apart...its fabulous! I don't want to make excuses for him because I really do wish I would have heard from him by now but I feel terrible thinking the worst, there is enought people with him that someone would have contacted me if something had happened to him. His best friend and I text, call or email each other from time to time, and have for a couple of years with regards XXXXX XXXXX daughters and soccer... so he has all my info. I think in the back of my mind I play the worst scenerio crap ... he met someone and is having a week romance... NOT... he just doesn't care for me all that much so could care less about my feelings. Trust me the "wife" will have asked if he's spoken to me IF they are using their phones etc... if they were using them she would have told him he was being a jackass not to call.
Maybe my feelings about him laid out on the table in the letter scared the crap out of him! He did tell me before he left... when I gave him the letter the envelope said READ ON VACATION! He did tell me he opened the envelope and read the first page which indicates NO READING UNTIL OFF THE MAINLAND AND ON HOLIDAY... so he said he put it back and packed it. He is almost honest to a fault... sweet sweet man! Then again the last text said "love ya", he is not the type to say that unless he meant it... I believe he did say that because he would not speak with me for awhile... he told me a few weeks ago he feels blessed to have me in his life. That was special... maybe even more than hearing "I love you". He has done so many wonderful things to make me feel special - why would that stop now? It wouldn't... I am just being INSANE!

I would love your comments again...
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you are very sweet.

You're right, guys don't think the same way that women do, and rarely place the same importance on the same things that we do. With his history and lack of experience with women, it may take him a while to understand how you work, and what works best with you (sort of like teaching an old dog new tricks? lol)

I believe we covered the bikini clad tryst a few posts ago and I know you don't really think that's an issue. He's with family, he doesn't sound like the kind of man who would disrespect you or himself by doing something like that in a family setting. I think I would be feeling a little insane if it had been 4 days, so at this point, you're a little entitled to feel frustrated.

I did consider that maybe the letter scared him a little, and that is a possibility, but at least he has time to think about it. I can imagine that you are a blessing in his life, now I just want you to keep telling yourself that. You believe you have found Mr Wonderful, but he has found Ms Wonderful, and don't forget that.

Chase

(ps. I commend you for waiting to call by the way, following your guts is always the best way to go, and you know best in this situation)

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for saying the right things! I received the nicest email on Monday from a distant friend, knows nothing about Mr. Wonderful and is unaware of my difficult week. So I just get this random email from her... "The Invisible Mom"... is was so touching... as you are aware, I came into work Monday in a tough place... so I emailed her back to tell her I had my Monday Grumpy Face on and her email gave me a lift and thank you. She emailed me back and said she has never known me to be anything but happy and smiling and cheerful and full of life and could not imagine me any other way. That was so special I have kept it in my emails all week to help me along...

I must say the best friend's wife did tell me a month or so ago how thrilled her and her husband (the best friend) sorry I'll need a family tree map soon... were that two wonderful people in their lives have "found" each other... which was very nice to hear.

I did speak with my Mum... her and my Dad were on the same cruise about 7 yrs ago...she did say even though it was a while ago they remember trouble with phone service then... my Uncle ...whom was with them has a biz he was trying to keep tabs on and I guess couldn't ever get through on his phone. Also my sister just emailed and thinks he just isn't getting service and probably has tried to call. She thinks the two of us are such sucks that he is missing me just as much and probably driving his buddy and other family members nuts.

As for the letter... it wasn't really that scary. It was just telling him all the wonderful things he does that I appreciate and the way he makes me feel special... it wasn't anything like "we will be together forever I want to marry you crap..." as a matter of fact I tell him all the things I love that he does but never tell him I love him... I had written the letter prior to telling him I loved him... which was just the night prior to him leaving and I never would have done it in writing without telling him face to face first. It has some funny things in it as well... one of the things that attracted us to each other was/is our senses of humour (he once told me he has never laughed so much in his life). So it has lots of funny things to make him smile and laugh, I miss hearing him laugh... if I concentrate I can hear him laugh and I smile. I also recall our first initial meeting which was funny... at a Halloween party... I introduced myself... because he is kind of quiet and reserved but not to me and not when I'm around...its weird, I remember him at a couple of functions before we went out and he was quiet, sitting back, alone... but I have never seen him like that again, not with me. When I took him to our first hockey game together he was introducing us to the people sitting on either side of us... telling them I was Canadian so knew all there was to know about hockey...he was hilarious... he always makes me laugh and smile!

I know he had read it before I received the "love ya" text. I also am pretty darn sure he had read it before I received that rum induced msg about being the ideal woman... and he is very open about telling me how much I mean to him so when I rethink the "scary letter" comment I don't think its scary after all.. just lots of compliments and how wonderful I think he is... I don't even talk anything about the future accept in one comment about him making such a good impression on my girls I say "I'd keep you"...

So theres the jist... comments PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE... thank you!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
P.S. Do you know it's 4:24pm in Barbados right now... the ship leaves that port at 5:30pm and does not dock again until they are disembarking in San Juan... tomorrow is strictly a sailing day... I am excited!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I have to agree with your friend, even through your anxiety, you've managed to joke, smile and make me laugh. Sometimes when we have something that seems so precious and rare, we are so scared of doing the wrong thing. It's like that gorgeous piece of jewelry that we're afraid to wear...might lose it, a stone might fall out, someone might steal it. It's very natural after dealing with all the junk to obsess a little over something that seems so perfect. I'm glad about the letter, people need to hear that they are appreciated, and that you notice the things he does.

Sometimes people can bring the worst out of each other, but other times people can amazingly bring out the best in each other, in ways that neither of them have ever experienced. Friends and family tend to take notice and say hey, we've got these two great people, who are even more great together. I believe that as you say this letter will be something he will have forever, and treasure it as much if not more than the other tidbits of your life he treasures. That tells me he's a romantic, and sentimental to boot.....a necessary character trait in my opinion. :)

I apologize it took me so long to get back to you, I had to step out for a moment. So he's already left Barbados, and do you know when he'll be home?

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you...great timing... I am just about to leave the office, so your note gave me a boost! The ship gets into San Juan at 7am Saturday. I should hear from him then... flight has to get in late Saturday to L.A. but I am sure he will tell me. I am hoping to see him Sunday... thanks again! You have gotten me through a tough emotional week! I will update you Monday!

Have a wonderful weekend!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

It's been my pleasure. Enjoy your trip with your daughter and your weekend. He'll be home before you know it.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Ms. Chase,

I just wanted to give you an update on all "ends well". You really helped me through a difficult week and I am very thankful. Just to summarize for you, as I would want to know "happy ending" if I was in your shoes. I know you are busy.

Talk about a fairytale...

My Friday with my daughter and her third grade class was wonderful and we had a great day together. That evening I did in fact receive an email from Mr. Wonderful indicating how much he was missing me...having a great time but wishing I was with him everyday... Saturday at 7am my time (he knows I'm up early) I received a call from him... he was in San Juan airport waiting for the plane and wanted to know if I could have dinner that night when he got in to LAX at 7pm. He was so sweet, I could tell right then and there he was missing me as much as I was missing him. His email really indicated that as well. His phone was off for the week and he did have to go in to the internet cafe and pay so much a minute to email. He was exhausted as they were out on the dock each am for 9 and then late dinner seating and then the next day started all over again. I guess he got my two text msgs when he arrived in port Saturday a.m. It was so fabulous to see him and it was so obvious he missed me I am still overwhelmed by that. He brought my daughters and I beautiful necklaces that I can tell he put individual thought into when picking each one out. It sounds as though I was a common topic of conversation amongst "the family" throughout the trip... good I hope, LOL! He even told his best friend that I had given him a letter that he was thrilled with it. Over the course of the weekend he did bring up the letter and several points... I could tell he loved it... he told best friend's wife he was going to marry me... kept talking about how much he missed me and has called me several times a day ever since... which is the norm but I really feel it impacted him to be away from me that long. He also mentioned in a "passing" conversation about "letting" someones boyfriend/husband go on a trip to the caribbean by themselves... I didn't comment but HEARD IT LOUD AND CLEAR and know I made the right decision! I love him even more!

Thank you again.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello lady :)

I never was notified of your last response, and I was waiting. I finally did a search for your question and saw your response. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner.

I can't tell you how overjoyed I am that everything worked out well. We won't tell how stressed you were, that will be our secret (smile) Enjoy Mr Wonderful and if you ever want to talk or have any question, feel free to request me by name. We have dozens of categories, if I cannot help you, I will personally make sure we find someone who can.

All the best

Warmly

Chase

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