One thing you can be certain of is that if he hasn't already hit you, he will. It's only a matter of time. Why do you put up with this behavior? Don't you know that you deserve to be with someone who will be with you and respect you? If you don't know this, you may need to seek therapy to figure out why you don't think that you deserve love and respect. You say that you are 40 and intelligent, but at what point will you realize that he is an adult, you can't make him go to counseling and you can't make him change. However, you can change your circumstances and put yourself out of harms way. You can make a life for yourself that includes love and respect, even if it simply comes from yourself. This is not right, and at some point he's going to escalate into violence. He might hit you, he might kill you, who knows.....you have to decide if you want to stick around and find out. I don't mean to be so blunt with you, but you should worry about your safety. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX know I cannot change him, but I just didn't want to fail in my second marriage. My first husband is an alcoholic and I didn't know that when we married. He came out of the alcohol closet after one year of marriage. My current husband was my best friend even through my first marriage, so I am just so dissappointed that we failed also......but as you said better to love and respect myself than to not be respected by him.
YOU did not fail your marriage. How could you know he was an alcoholic? How could you know that you husband would turn abusive. It's one thing when you make bad choices on purpose, knowing that you are making a bad decision but doing it anyway....in your case, you made decisions out of love, not knowing what they were capable of. You cant blame yourself. If you blame yourself, you are abusing yourself as bad as your husband.
Better to leave a bad situation before it gets worse, and start a new life from scratch. Maybe the next guy, you take your time, 6 mos or more before even agreeing to date someone, that way you have a better idea of what you're getting into. Just remember that you deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved. That's not asking too much.