How long have you been in the military?
Does he know that you set him up?
Why did you feel the need to do something so final?
Can you tell me other reasons involved?
I really apologize, I never did see your response, or I would have gotten back to you sooner.
After reading everything you've written, I think it sounds more like Dissocial personality disorder. I don't hear from you that how you're feeling or acting is causing you problems with your superiors, but mostly with your peers. The biggest difference the antisocial version has more issues with delinquency and criminal behavior, as opposed to the affective, interpersonal and behavioral components of the dissocial version. That may not even be what's wrong with you. Either way, I cannot provide you with a diagnosis, but I can tell you that you need to speak to someone about how you're feeling. It's possible that you might need medication to help balance out how you are feeling. A lot of people tend to fear or disregard therapy or medication, thinking either that it doesn't work, or that it's unnecessary in their case.
I think your 'friend' that was talking about the dream he had of beating you up was wrong. Even if it was a dream, why would you tell the other guys about it, knowing that it was already said these guys had issues with the two of you (racial or otherwise). It wouldn't seem to me that he is being a true friend by acting like that, and you had every right to be mad at him.
Does the military offer mental health services? Take advantage of those services before you leave the military. Talking some of this out with a therapist, finding out it medication will help, developing coping skills.....all of this will lift a great burden off your shoulders and allow you to look at life differently. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.
HelloCustomer let me ask you a couple of questions
Do you remember experiencing any type of trauma as a child?
Have you ever been to therapy?
Have you ever felt suicidal?
Are you always suspicious like that?
Do you feel like these behaviors have gotten worse over time or were they worse at any point?
Do you talk to your parents, or any other family members about it?
I can't say that I do. As a child growing up I have always been secluded even in kindergarten. From first to third grade I always wanted to make A's on my school work and when I got a B I would burst in to tears immediately. I would try to socialize with my peers but the connection wasn't ever there in terms of wanting to be popular or getting to know people. I never wanted to participate in field trips or class functions during this period in my life. Then they decided to put me in a special ed. class because they thought I would do better in a smaller enviroment. It only made it worse for I would get restrain almost every day or be a disturbance in the class. I also kicked a counselor for talking to me. One time during school I got so frustrated and believe I wasn't in my right frame of mind at the time that I locked myself in my locker intentionally so the teachers couldn't find me. The only reason they found me was I had a locker mate at the time. Eventually I became to much for them to handle and they sent me to disciplinary school for children for a year and a half my parents did not have any trouble out of me while I attended that school which was amazing. I don't have no clue why that is. When we moved from Michigan to Arkansas, I started the 6th grade and things got a little bit worse. My teacher found a sheet of paper in my desk that said I wanted to blow up the school and I tossed a chair in my science class cause a teacher wanted me to go to the table where the teacher's assistant was so I could get some help with my work but I didn't want to. I did all these out of confusion and anger at the time but I don't remember why and I went blank when I committed these acts. From 7th grade to 12th grade I had to major incidents: one was when I hit a kid in class for messing with me and the other was cursing out the vice principal at football pep rally.
I have been to therapy. I never felt like going to therapy though cause I didn't want my parents to spend all that money on some guy that didn't have know I idea what he/her was doing. Real reason I didn't want my parents to spend that money and the psychologist and financially they could not afford it. Anyway, all the therapists told me I had to socialize and open up which was a bunch of bull. They had me take educational test which I past and I have a sense of what is wrong and right. It is easy to fool psychologist unless you be straight up with them. Even when I was straight up with them they told me the same.
I never felt suicidal, more like go into the woods and get away from the world as a whole. Hide from society and wish people would leave me alone. I say I want to kill people a lot but I don't have the testicular fortitude to do it. I am afraid of weapons, I can barely shoot mine without flinching or shaking. I hate violence. I want to just escape from this world.
Yes, I am always that suspicious. These habits have gotten worser sense I've been over here. It is like I can't trust nobody anywhere. Well, I never trust anybody. When I walk by them and they get quite, that makes me really anxious and nervous.
I talk to my parents but I put a front on how I am really doing sometimes. Lately, I had been telling them the truth and they keep telling me to keep a level head. I have this mechanism that makes me lie to every body and all that anger just builds up until I explode. I also have the tendacy to talk to myself a lot. I believe the only person that can understand me is me. It might sound crazy but that is how I feel.
I sometime experience this emotion of carelessness towards people. Not caring of other people's feelings at times. It is like my emotions are not there. That probably don't make no sense. Then there is when I go to the store I rush in and out cause I get nervous around people and when I am at the register I try to block their vision with my body so they can't see what I am buying.
Thank you for all of that additional information and for being so forthright with me. I know you don't have many good thoughts toward therapy, and I want to tell you that this is not uncommon. Therapy can be like any other relationship where two people just don't get along as well as they could or should. Yes, these people are trained in what they do, they are not just regular people trying to make a fool out of you, they are professionals who have had to go to school for a very long time to lean how to treat other people and help them with their problems.
I definitely think after everything you've told me that you should be in therapy. If nothing else, therapy can help you develop coping skills to deal with people, help you open up more about how you're feeling, and possibly put you on medications that can help with your anxiety. If in fact you are suffering from anti social disorder, or anything close to it, therapy should be mandatory, and medication may be to. Imagine that it may be possible to feel somewhat normal if you can get a grasp on what needs to be done to make you feel better about yourself and the world around you.
Thats not to say that therapy or medication in of themselves are any type of miracle cure, just that they are at least a buffer in your life that can help you get started/pointed in the right direction. I know it would feel good to you to feel like you have some sort of control over your life, and to feel less anxious. Like I said before, you are not marrying your therapist.....but you do have to give it some time before you will see results. What might seem insignificant to you, could be important to them.
I know it's hard, and I can tell you are in pain over this. I'm urging you to go ahead and talk to a therapist. You have to be open and tell them the same things you are telling me so that they can give you an accurate diagnosis. No games. Also, I'm always here, I know I took a while to get back to you, i had a family emergency. But I will always get back to you. Anytime you need to talk, you can feel free to request me by name if you want to talk to me. Let me know if you want to talk more
Thank you for the bonus, that was nice of you. I just wanted to let you know that everything was fine and there was no need for you to apologize. I just want to see you do better and feel better. Let me know what you decide to do and if nothing else, you can alsways come back and talk to me. Feel free to request me by name anytime you want to talk, ok?