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Ask Ms Chase Your Own Question

Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I live with my boyfriend for a couple months now ...

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I live with my boyfriend for a couple months now (we''ve been together a year) About 9 months ago, I learned he talked to his ex-girlfriend about once a week. I told him that made me uncomfortable, and he discontinued the contact with her. She has been trying to contact him the last couple months and he doesn''t return calls or texts. Last night, she showed up at our door (she didn''t know he had a girlfriend, much less that I lived there!) and wanted to talk to him. She saw he was with someone and said she was sorry to intrude and left. I am freaking out, feeling threatened, insecure, etc. He says I have no reason to. But I don''t know what to think and whether now I have to be concerned all the time! What to do?

Hello

Why didn't he ever tell her that he was involved with/lived with someone?

How old are the two of you?

Did she speak to him?

Chase

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: That was my question too! I thought it was strange that he woudln't tell her he ws involved. I told him that I had told my ex-husband in no uncertain terms that I was with him and in love and not available and he said that having that comversation was more contact with my ex was more than he had had with his in a year! BS answer! Anyway, we are both 40. They were outside for about 5 minutes (it felt like a year!)
And all he told me that was said was that she didn;t understand why he wouldn't talk to her, and then she left
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
oh, and i left out the fact that he had an affair with this woman when he was married. they were togetehr 2 years after that, then she broke up with him, and we met 3 months later

Hello,

Thank you for that additional info. The thing that I would be most concerned with is that he did not tell her he was in a relationship and he's been in a relationship for a year. That tells me that he wasn't ready to let go, or he cared too much to hurt her feelings. I don't know why she broke up with him, but it would be reasonable to assume that he may not have gotten past that blow, and is wanting her to show that she wants him, or is still interested in him, to soothe the fact that she chose to break up with him. This doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be with her, just that he's still hurt and a part of him needs his ego healed.

So my question would be, does she now know that the two of you are together? His answer to why he hadn't told her was a non answer, and he needs to address that. If this is the only issues you've had so far, I don't know that I would say that you should be worried or concerned all the time, but I would want to know that she is crystal clear that the two of you are living together and have been together for a year.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Things are getting worse....I have been harping on it, and he's getting to the point where he said "this is getting old" and "I don't need this" I think I'm ruining our relationship, if not already ruined it! I don't know how to fix things now and I feel like he's never going to feelthe way he used to about me

Isn't it interesting how he can keep in contact with his ex every week, and when you find out about it, thats when things start 'getting old'? I know you care about him, but you have to look at the big picture and ask yourself if he ever got over this woman. Not something you want to think about, i know, but you have to. You have every right to know why he was in contact with her all of this time, and why he chose not to tell her he was in a relationship. The problem is, HE may not want to face up to the reasons, and thats why he's angry at you for trying to make him face it.

Chase

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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: well, what he has said is that when i told him his contact with her made me uncomfortable (that was back in June) he says that he cut off contact with her. Which I believe because I know that he has not been reponding to her (i know this because I am kinda insane and I check his phone for calls and texts) soooo....it seems that is why she just showed up here like that, to ambush him since he doesn;t respond to her! but anyway, i can cetainly see the point you make about his maybe not having gotten over her, and what's going on now with his anger. When he said this is getting old, he was referring to the way I have been naggin at him about it. i just can't get what i want from him in terms of reassurance and understanding. we haven't had any problems unitl this...i thought we were having a healthy relationship. especially when i first spoke to him about his contact with her, and he responded so well...i knew that her continuing to contact him was a threat to our relationship, and that's the term that i used. i also told him that i especially feel that way becuase she has been a threat to his relationship in the past (his marriage)!
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
this mornig is when he gave the "i don;t need this" and "this is getting old" lines, cuase I was bugging him before going to work (we work at the same company) didn't really see him all day, then at the end of the day i stoppped in his office and let him know i was going to the gym, he said he may go meet Tony , he didn't know when he would get out of the office, so i said just let me know what's up and haven't heard from him! this is so not like him, not to call me when he left the office and let me know if he was meeting tony or not. i feel like he's "acting out" like a kid would, by not touching base with me (re: dinner, whatever)

I see what you're saying. In a sense, if he did cut the contact as completely as he did, then he deserves recognition for that. If he did cut the contact, even if there's an ego thing going on here, then it might be time to apologize and let him know that you respect the fact that he stopped calling her and that you were just upset because he hadn't told her he was in a relationship, and that made you feel unimportant, and you would have preferred he told her.

At this point you can be the bigger person, and see where it goes from here. Let him know you are not trying to drive a wedge between the two of you and you'll slow down on the nagging.

Chase

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