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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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ok i am 19 and my boyfriend is 20, we met our senior year ...

Customer Question

ok i am 19 and my boyfriend is 20, we met our senior year of high school and moved in together after we graduated and we just bought a house and everything.everything was great in the beginning and our sex life was wonderful but now we never have sex, we never get along or agree on anything. we have been together for a year and a half and have a 9 month old son and i do not want our son being raised around our constant arguing, we both know what we need to change but we just cant seem to do it, we dont have money for counseling and i do love him and am in love with him and i know he feels the same way about me but we can not stop arguing. i know a lot of it is me because i want him to understand what i do with our son and that it is not as easy as he thinks it is running a household all by myself and he does not understand or even care or appreciate everything i do. I stay home with our son all day while he works and i feel like he is never home, we never have any alone time and i never feel like having sex. he always wants to and im always making up some kind of excuse why i cant. i want us to be together so bad and get along and so does he and we just cant stop. we are both lazy sometimes and it just doesnt go well togehter, we just bought our house and a new car and all new things for the house, if i left him i wouldnt even know where to start with sorting everything and i dont ever want our son to have to leave, i am used to being with him 24/7 and i dont want that to change- i want things to work so bad i just dont know where to start, if oursex life could be back how it used to be and we could get along and not argue about all the stupid little things everything would be perfect, were both still in love and attracted to each other so thats not the problem, although he has gained a lot of weight i dont like very much, i wish hed lose about 40 pounds but he was big when i met him and i have also put on about 20-25 pounds from the pregnancy, he still finds me very attractive and i find him attractive to but it would really help if he lost some weight but he cant do that either, i want this to work i just dont know what to do please help!!!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

mcourtney,

Have you both agreed that you would stay home and take care of the house and baby?

Is that what you want to do?

What else are you arguing about?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: yes we have agreed that i would stay home and take care of everything, but as soon as he gets home from work he doesnt want to help with anything, i cant even get him to change a diaper or make a bottle or take the garbage out or anything, and then after me cleaning all day- he comes home and makes messes everywhere, we constantly argue about changing diapers, messes, whatwe have enough money for, bills, just nything, i never get a chance to do anything, i dont have any friende really i never go do anything and all i do is sit home all day- i would like to be able to go out shopping for an hour or osmething, i have done that like 2 or 3 times since our son was born, he goes out more than i do, not a lot though but he has a total separate life at work and he doesnt understand how hard it is to stay home and take care of our son, cook, clean constantly, laundry all that stuff and i am constantly stuck in the house, and i was thinking about going back ro work but i like staying home to take care of our son and we have no one to babysit anyay, no family and i dont want to take him to a daycare, i just want me and my boyfriend to get a long and we were supposed to get married in january and we still havent i just dont want to get married if we argue all the time, i dont want to ever have to get divorced, i just want the best for our son and i want to be happy with my boyfriend, i have really bad anxiety too so that doesnt help either
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Mcourtney

There are certain things that people sometimes believe right off the bat. One, is that we'll meet our prince charming and he will be wonderful and loving and take care of us for the rest of our lives. Men on the other hand, when they have a wife at home think, she's home all day, relaxing, and when I get home, the house should be clean, clothes done, dinner cooked and she should look like a supermodel. Neither of these is very realistic as you have seen firsthand.

Your relationship can work one of a few ways. If he's working full time, then your job is to run and manage the house. That's not to say that job is easy, but it is your job. If that means that you have to make a schedule for yourself for what you need to get accomplished every say, then maybe you need to do that. You shouldn't do laundry every day, choose a laundry day, choose the days you're going to vacuum, buy paper plates, have a place for everything and if you don't have a place for it, consider chucking it. When you make a schedule, complete with times and days and stick to it, you'll find you're getting more done in less time.

What he needs to understand is that even though he works, he has an obligation to his home as well. You both should make a list of all the chores that he needs to do around the house. This can include taking out the trash each night, mowing the lawn, upkeep on the car, keeping the garage clean, fixing anything that breaks, helping wash the dinner dishes, walking the dog, etc. Anything that deals strictly with the house. Once you both write your lists, then you need to compare lists and come to a compromise. You can make a list of all of the things you do around the house, but it won't impress him if you are not doing these things.

When he gets home from work, it's normal that he would want to relax and just come down from his day, while you look at his coming home as a break in your boredom as well as a break with your son. So how do you figure out a middle ground? Perhaps when he comes home he can take your son for an hour, while you do anything personal that you need to do. That way, he's giving you the respect of saying I know you had to deal with OUR son all day, so I'm going to give you a breather. Even if it's not as soon as he gets home, maybe he can be home for an hour and (for example) between 6 and 7 he takes him outside, to the park, for a ride, or anywhere where he's totally away from you, or keeps him at home but allows you to leave the house for an hour to go to the gym, store, etc. Also, you don't always have to stay in the house with your son, put him in his stroller and go for a walk, or a drive.

Look into any mothers groups in your area, try the paper, www.craigslist.com, or other local websites near you. If you can't find one, then maybe you can start one for mothers in your area. Some mothers groups, take turns going to each others houses each week for tea or lunch, they share child tips, and just basically support each other. One group I know of, got along so well, they took turns babysitting for each other.

You need time for yourself. If that means once a week (sat or sun) you get to leave the house and do whatever you want for a set amount of time, and then he gets a time when he can go out. You can either switch every other sat or one of you takes sat and one of you takes sun and you switch each week. The other is responsible for taking care of the baby on that day. At some point you will need to find a babysitter that you can use at least one weekend a month, so that you and your husband can go out on a date and spend time out without interruption.

As for him making a mess, you have to explain it to him (sometimes more than once) that you can't pick up after him, you and your son and it's not fair to expect you to. Maybe what he needs to do is stay home for a week and do your job.

Making lists, writing letters and putting together schedules are all good ways to put things on paper and work them out. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

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