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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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my husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago. we are still ...

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my husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago. we are still together and he treats me well and the affair ended when i found out 1 1/2 years ago. but I cannot get over it I obsess over this woman and think about what they did everyday. and about once a month I have a melt down. when I see this woman in town I start to shake and feel sick and it ruins my whole day. I am tired of thinking about it and want to move on. my husband and I have been married almost 28 years I am 45 and he is 49. How can I make myself feel better and move on?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Katt,

How long was the affair?

Was this someone you knew personally?

How has your marriage been since?

Was this the only time he cheated?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: the affair lasted 2 months, and it was with a younger woman who handles accounts payable to a company that we use for job materials. dont know her personally but met her once or twice and talked on the phone quite a bit for business.
our marraige since has been great, except my melt downs, insecurity, and lack of trust. we spend lots of time together, probably more than most couples. he has never cheated on me ever and has been very good to me since.
I just need to get over it but dont know how
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Katt,

It could be possible that you cannot get over it on your own. You may have to look into speaking with a therapist, who can help you develop coping skills to deal with your anger over the situation. Yes, your husband made a mistake, he did something he should have never done, but the fact is, he's human. As humans we all make mistakes, and 1 1/2 years is a long time to make him pay for that mistake. Yes, it's something you have to live with, especially when you see her, but you have to make a conscious decision to allow yourself to forgive and get your life back. If you allow his mistake to control your life, you're actually causing more damage to yourself than he caused to you.

Try and remember that what he did had nothing to do with you. Even if he were to say that the reason he did it was because of you, if he didn't try and work those issues out between the two of you, then it still has to do with him going outside of the marriage instead of putting that time into the marriage. Once you can let go of the fact that it was his problem (yes it happened to you, but he is the one who made the decision), you can let go of any guilt you feel inside for the situation, and you can ask yourself, can I forgive him for this mistake. Do you love him enough to forgive him? Do you want to stay with him?

If you love him, still want to be with him and want to stay with him, then you have to look him in the eye, forgive him and let it go. Talk to him about it, let him know that you want to forgive him and you want to let this go. It sounds like he really is a good guy who made a mistake, and that he's done everything to try and make things right. Once you understand that your anger, distrust and pain, could actually go very far towards making him repeat the mistake, or start to get angry towards you, then it may help to think about that and allow yourself to forgive.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues