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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My ex wont let me move on

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My ex-boyfriend ended our relationship because I wanted our relationship to move at slower pace than he did. He is now dating someone else, and from all outward appearances they seem to be headed to the altar. Once I learned of this relationship I told him that I did not want to communicate with him in any way. This was six months ago, and he is still calling, texting and trying to speak to me when he sees me. I ignore all of us calls, except when he "tricks" me and blocks him number, which he I have now caught on to, so that doesn''t work anymore. Also, I ignore him in public and number so as to "trick" me into answering. I ignore all of his calls, texts, and I ignore him in public. He has even resorted to blocking his number and trying to trick me into answering. This only works the first time, every "calling spree." I don''t understand it, he keeps stating that he wants to be able to call and chat with me every now and then and that we should be able to be friends. Thats a nice sentiment but I am all or nothing. I am regretful for not taking our relationship seriously and I wish we could get back together. However, while he is dating this other person I do not want any contact with him.
1) My ex is the one who ended our relationship, and he is in a serious relationship now, so why won''t he stop calling? We dated only 5 months, and were not childhood friends, so why is my "friendship" so important to him.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

If you told him that you still wanted to be with him, but not while he's with her, he could be thinking that he could possibly have the best of both worlds, and is trying to get in a position where he could maintain some type of relationship with you, intimate or otherwise. Sometimes this is simply a way of keeping 'control' of the other person, or perhaps he is afraid if he doesn't keep in contact with you, he will lose contact altogether. It is possible that he values your friendship that much, but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is if he cared/cares about you then he should respect you, and what he's doing is disrespectful.

You could mention to him that what he's doing is borderline stalking and that if he doesn't stop, then you will have to consider taking out a harassment/restraining order. Consider that if you've never met this girl, that it could a "fake" relationship set up in the hopes of making you jealous. Also, if he won't stop, even after threatening him with an order, then you have to wonder if his 'obsession' will get worse. If he will/can not stop, or things start to get worse, its important that you think about your safety before anything else. Always follow you gut feeling and if it feels like something is wrong, then it usually is. Call the police and sort it out later. Even if it turns out to be nothing, its better to be safe than sorry.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I would like to know your take on what his actions say about the status of his current relationship?


I think it should be noted that we are both attorneys. And his actions have not quite reached the level of harassment as defined by our state's code, however I have considered this route.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Have you seen the girlfriend? Are you confident of her existance? How did you find out that it was serious (like heading to the alter)?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Im Baptist and he is Catholic, and during our relationship he often invited me to his Church and discussed my willingness to convert when we reached a certain point in our relationship. At the time I was really closed off to the idea of even visiting another church.

However as life would have it, some time after we broke up I felt the desire to get involved with one of the programs at that same church, and I have been an active member ever since.

And I later learned that that he was introduced to his current girlfriend by a mutual friend who attends this particular church.

So now that I am attending the same church, I see them there together regularly.

Re: The Current

My ex is a good-looking, highly educated, well-dressed, successful man, and the women in his past share the same characteristics.

However his current is a complete detraction from his "type."

She is very plain, has no education, and let's just say her looks are not one of the things you notice about her.

I'm so frustrated with the situation b/c he was my ideal mate, and now that Im over playing games and ready to be serious, he's taken.

And the fact that he continues to want my frienship after 6 months of being ignored (by me ) makes me think that he and his current don't have a very strong connection.

They do share commonalities in that they are the same age (Im ten years younger), both have been married, and both have at least one child.

But beyond these factors I don't "get" their relationship. He has business dealings in other states, and has even run for political office. And he enjoys legal and political discourse.

She on the other hand, has never been outside of the state, and wouldn't know the definition of "legal discourse."

I know her background because she and I share a mutual relative, although we are not related, nor have we ever formally met. And her own family can't understand what they are doing together. Her family is weary of the situation b/c they are afraid that she is going to end up hurt, since he is so far out of her league.

Your thoughts....?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I'm wondering how much a part of you is punishing him for breaking up with you...and how much that had to do with your conversion. You've given a lot of thought to the situation, but it's extremely important to question our own motives at any given time.

Thru out history there have been couples who haven't necessarily fit type. It's possible that he may feel more comfortable and safe with her. There's no 'competition' because they are totally different. When it comes to love/sex/romance, there's not always a 'league', it goes beyond that. Think about when you see a couple that seem so at odds with each other, but have been together for years.

If you think he is your ideal mate, perhaps you should let go and tell him that. Admit that you made a mistake in breaking up with him and that you want him back, but not while he's with her. If he won't break up with him, i believe your initial plan is best, XXXXX XXXXX no friendship.

I'm here if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
Counselor
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues