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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hi there, Im 20 years old and I live in Chicago.

Resolved Question:

Hi there,

I''m 20 years old and I live in Chicago. My husband is away at school right now. Whenever he sees a conflict on the horizon, whether it be on the phone or elsewhere, he doesn''t speak to me for several days; runs away from his problems, if you will. This makes what could have been a tiny issue into a big ordeal. He says he doesn''t understand why he does this. I think it''s important that I do include the fac that his past is definitely rough (death of mother, for example). He recently ignored me for a whole 2 weeks when the conflict was so small! All I wished was that we spoke about it. I''m worried about this greatly.

Thanks,
Marylin
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Kto,

Can you tell me what the recent problem was?

Has he always been like this?

When will he finish school and be with you permanantly?

Has he ever been to counseling?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hi Chase,

Well, the initial problem was that...I'll admit it and say I was an emotional, PMS-ing woman. By the time I calmed down and realized the error of my ways and called to apologize, he had already decided to ignore me. We then made up 4 days later, but he failed to come home that weekend. He e-mailed me saying he lost his phone. I have a friend who goes to his university who spoke to him and he told her he has been sending me e-mail after e-mail, none of which I got. However, I know that he has two e-mails, and I highly doubt both of them wouldn't work. It just sounds awfully fishy to me. Not only that, but we're college students, so we have facebook accounts we can contact each other on.

There was also an event on tuesday of this week that I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier - one that was extremely important to me and my family. He told our mutual friend to give me the message that he remembers and he will be there. And yet, he didn't show up, with no warning.

His family has also failed to get in touch with him.

Apart from his 'ignoring' problem, he is such a wonderful guy. He would never betray me or his family, so I highly doubt there is another woman. No one who knows him thinks this is a possibility.

And even though he has ignored me before, he has never done it when we were no longer in conflict, like now, so this is new. We have been together for 2 years, and I'd say the withdrawl has been a problem for about one of them. I keep thinking his past may be the reason for this, and I hope that's it, instead of him just transforming into a jerk.

No, he has never been to counceling or therapy, even though he told me he would go, for the relationship's sake. I'm yet to see him take action in this area.

Anyways, we won't finish school for several years, but we will be going to the same university and living together next spring.

Thanks :)
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Kto,

Thank you for the additional information. What you've told me is concerning. The fact is, if he was just your boyfriend, it might not be so concerning, but this is your husband. The fact is we live in a electronic world, both email accounts wouldn't fail, if you want to get in touch with someone there are a multitude of ways to do it. If it seems fishy, it probably is. Maybe not another woman, but certainly something that is making him act other than himself.

I understand what you're saying about his past, but the fact is we all have problems. If he can't deal with his problems, he will need to seek therapy to figure out a way to deal with them so that they don't affect his life, schooling, work, and those around him adversely. Keep an open mind about what he's doing, and how he's acting. Never say never and be prepared for anything when someone is not acting like themselves. The fact that his family hasn't been able to get in touch with him either, makes me think that he may have something he's ashamed of.

The fact that he didn't show up for your event is especially concerning.

When you do get a chance to talk to him, you have to work on this communication issue. The fact is, it may not get better, but worse. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior, and things won't likely change unless he feels incentive to change.

I'm not trying to scare you, I'm sure you're already upset. I do want you to be open to what might be going on with him, and you might want to let him know that you won't accept his excuses or behavior anymore. He's not acting like a husband, but someone you're dating who might not care so much about you. The two of you should be past that right now and working toward your future together.

I welcome your thoughts, let me now if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
So do you suggest the only solution being therapy? Is there anything else I can do, in addition to it?

What should I tell him when I see him (which would be tomorrow, I am going down to the school to see if he's alright)?

And what attitude should I walk in there with?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Well, his not showing up to your family event that you say was important is enough to cause you to be angry and to be on the defensive. What he needs to know is that this behavior is offensive to you and detrimental to your relationship. In other words, he needs to shape up and decide on his priorities. The not keeping in contact is hurtful and irresponsible and the not showing up at your event was just plain disrespectful. Remember that we teach people how to treat us, so if you don't get across to him how you feel, he may interpret that to mean it's ok for him to continue behaving in this manner.

Therapy is not the only option, but a good one if he seems to have a problem he can't fix on his own. Of course you can be caring and understanding, but he's not putting you in a position to express that. You can be strong, firm, a determined and that will help him far more than any coddling will. He needs to be straight with you and let you know what's going on, even if it will hurt you. You deserve to be in the know. Initially give him a chance to open up and see if he'll do it on his own. If not you're going to have to talk and let him know what your boundaries are.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Alright.

I've tried to set limits before, but things always go back to the way they were after maybe a few months of being perfect.

Any advice on how to make realize I mean it this time? What's going to make it STICK?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Maybe nothing. Maybe he's backslid too many times and thinks it's ok, that you'll always be there. Love doesn't mean putting up with someone's abuse, and what he's doing by not calling and not showing up is emotionally abusive. You can give him ultimatums, but you have to be willing to stick by them or they are worthless. The problem wit an ultimatum is the end result may not be something you desire (separation), but the only way he may really pay attention is by experiencing that loss.

Make counseling mandatory. Ultimately you have to decide if his actions are showing love or are they showing something else. You have to decide if he's really what you need or if you're worse off by staying with him than leaving. We all have our limits, only you can know yours.

I'm always here if you want to talk. I may not say what you want to hear, but I will always tell you what I think you need to hear.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I don't mean to come off as a naive/foolish woman, because I'm not. I see that this has gotten way out of control and I shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior. The thing that's holding me back from saying I've had enough is our history. He's been my best friend for years, so it seems hard to believe he'd be purposely doing this. And when it's hard to believe, I just assume it must be psychological rather than intentional. And if (IF!) that's the case, I'd feel like I was abandoning him when he just really needs professional help to get over his issues. However, I'm not disregarding the possibility of him just being an a-hole. What do you think?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I think you're heading in the right direction, and i completely understand your feelings. It's important that you consider your husband a friend, but he is more than that now and needs to act like more than that. Would you allow your friends to treat you this way? It's hard to know whether its psychological or if he's doing it on purpose because isn't everything we do psychological, based on our desires and past experiences. Whats most important is if and when he's ready to stop hurting you. Whatever he's going through is not your fault (and don't you dare believe it is) and you should not be suffering for it. Go to him, see what he has to say and then listen to your gut. God gifted women with the most accurate lie detector in the world, women's intuition. We ignore it most of the time, but you need to pay close attention to it because your future may depend on it.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I think you're right.

When I drop by tomorrow, would it be too much to ask him not to call until he seeks therapy? Of course I wouldn't go back to my old ways of giving in, I'd intend on fully carrying out the notion of not wanting much to do with him unless he commits to improving himself and gets some sort of break through.

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