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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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my eight years boyfriend broke up with me after I ...

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my eight years boyfriend broke up with me after I confront him about his cheating with a co-worker. She is following his advice to file for divorce herself. Would this consider as a rebound relationship and will this two last? Is there a possibility I can get him back?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Kim,

Are the two of them together now?

How old are the two of you?

Have you talked to him about getting back together? if so, what was his response?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hello Chase,

Yes they are together now. I did talk to him regarding finding his way back to me but at this point, he's telling me that he has been unhappy with our relationship for so long now. It doesn't seem like it to me until he met this girl, she's 34 . I am 43 and He is going to be 41. She's a former model and just got her law degree from Harvard. Am I out of competition? Does that have anything to do with it? He told me today that he doesn't want our relationship to have an unhappy ending but the time we had together, whish was eight years, we couldn't find our way. He is now with this woman 2 months. She has been unhappy with her marriage and confided to my boyfriend and now they're together. Are they both considered rebounding? will they last ? How long do you think?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello ms Chase- are you there
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Kim,

There's a couple of aspects that I want you to think about here. You were with a man for 8 years. That's a very long time to be with someone, and I'm sure the two of you shared a lot of good times, bad times, and became very close friends. Did he ever tell you that he was unhappy? If so, did you try to work on things together to fix them?

The thing is, this 'friend', this person who you shared 8 years of your life with, felt that it was ok to lie to you, cheat on you and leave you for someone else. Some friend right? He didn't care about your emotions, your life, your feelings. Is this someone you really want to spend another minute with? If he was so unhappy, why didn't he ever have the courage to tell you? I think he's just using that as an excuse.

Forget the fact that she's former model or got a law degree from Harvard (who told you that info anyway, him?) So what? That doesn't make her better than you. If she knew he was in a relationship, she's a liar and a cheat as well. Remember that if he cheated on you, one day he will likely cheat on her.

He's not in a rebound relationship, he left willingly. A rebound relationship is when you're distraught and you get involved with someone just to have a warm body and help make you feel better about your last terrible relationship. It might be rebound for her, but since she left the relationship herself, I don't think so.

At this point, I would suggest that you pull yourself together and figure out what you want to do with your life. If you could never have another man in your life, what would you love to do? Take a class, teach a class, take a trip, get a new job, get a new house, get a makeover.... The fact is, he's left and now you have to pick up the pieces. He may come back, he may not come back, but you have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Live the fullest life you can, even without him, you are somebody and he can't take that away from you.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase

 

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
My boyfriend told me that he doesn't want us to have an unhappy ending and that things could worked out differently but since it is not. It will always be his personal unhappiness. We have a problem with intamicy. I had always felt inadequate with him because he does things on the internet for years, and also XXX tapes. I was never into those and had told him many times that I don't feel that I'm beautiful enough for him, that I do not look like those beautiful women on the net. He still went on downloading pictures everyday not realizing that I know about it. I distant myself in that aspect with him and so many times he did tell me that he was unhappy because I never shows affections. Other than that. This man got everything he ever wanted. I cater to his wants, needs more than his mother could have. I knows that. Do you think that it's even worth trying for the second time, to see if things can work better for us? what about counseling for us? I'm not sure if he is going to come back. I thought up until this moment that he was happy. He told his new lady that, I'm a wonderful person and he doesn't feel good about hurting me, but he needed to be free of me to help her with her ordeal? What is your thoughts? Will she leave him one day?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Kim, it sounds like your boyfriend is telling you what you want to hear, or telling you things to try and make himself look like less of a 'bad guy'. If he didn't want you to have an unhappy ending he wouldn't have cheated.

Here is what I recently wrote to a woman who had a problem with her husband viewing porn (DVD and internet);

This is a tough question and the answer varies with the individual relationship. Some men look at porn the same way they look at football, race car driving, they can look at it all day, every day and it is nothing but pretty pictures and not a part of their "real" life. It's like women drooling over Denzel or Brad Pitt, we know we can't ever have them, but it doesn't hurt to daydream. With men, it's even simpler than that.....rarely are they looking at a woman's personality, or do they care what she's thinking, they are just looking at a pleasant (albeit stimulating) landscape.

Other people believe that looking at porn will make a man more likely to cheat because he will see things that he wants that he might not get at home. I'm of the opinion that if a man is a cheater by nature, then he will cheat. He could be with the most gorgeous woman in the universe and he will still cheat. On the other hand, if a man is a good man, all the porn in the world won't change that.

If you're considering that there is some type of competition between you and these 'actors', its like saying you think that he will seek out one of these women in order to be with them, which doesn't make sense. You have to ask yourself, is it the pron you want him to stop? what about other online sites that show women? what about movies that show female actresses? Men look at most women in a sexual manner, it's just the way they are built. Looking at pictures or films is not going outside of your marriage because these things are not real (in my opinion). You have to decide if you really trust him, or if this is something else thats bothering you.

You can't base your beauty or worth on other women. This seems to be a self esteem issue with you, even in your first question you talked about her being a model. If your boyfriend was with you for 8 years, there must have been something about you that he liked and was attracted to right? I would consider looking into therapy, talking to someone about how to boost your self esteem and learning to love yourself.

You asked if it's worth trying for a second time, but it doesn't sound to me like he's even interested in trying for a second time. It seems to me like he's moving on with this woman and giving you excuses about it. If he would be willing to leave this other woman and go to counseling, that's one thing, but telling you he doesn't want to hurt you means nothing if he continues to hurt you. I don't know if what they have will last, or if she will leave, there's no way to know except to wait and see.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
What about dating sites when we're together? Dating advice newsletters? Does that indicate that he is a forever cheater? This woman is not even divorce yet. Why would he be taking on more baggage?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Kim,

If he was on dating sites while you were together, that is wrong, and yes he may havebeen cheating or considering cheating. It's just unfair that he didn't let you know that. I can't say why he is taking on her baggage. Him advising her to leave her marriage and being with her, obviously means he wants her for himself and may not consider it baggage.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Ok so I'm confused. He told our mutual friend that he has strong feelings for me and that he knows that i'm a wonderful person, and that it doesn't make him feel a bit happy about bringin pain into my life. He said we get along very well and that would be ashame if we can't continue to be friends. If he got another woman. Why would he want to be friends, when he understand the impossible. Please advice me as to why is my well being is very important to him? why would he want me to still be part of his life? Security blanket maybe>
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

There's two options here. Either he really feels bad that he hurt you, but he's still not willing to stop hurting you, or he's full of it and is just saying these things to make himself feel less guilty. I've never believed in remaining friends with a cheating ex lover, if they were such a friend to begin with, he wouldn't have hurt you in the first place. If your well being was so important he would stop hurting you, and if you were to accept him in your life as a "friend" it would be like accepting that what he's doing is ok with you, and that would make him feel less guilty.

Does that make sense?

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
what about when my friend told him that maybe she should introduce me a guy. My ex went on and explain that it won't be good for me that I am in so shape to be with another man and that I'll be rebounding. He does sounds like he cares . You can see why I'm so confused.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Kim,

That does not mean he cares. Being honest with you would have showed he cared. Not cheating on you would have showed he cared. Not wanting you to meet another man and move on with your life is another indication of what a selfish so and so he is. What does he care if you rebound? He didn't care if your heart was broken. I would try and move on for now, stop contact with him, he sounds like he is enjoying manipulating the situation. Don't let him still have power over your life when he is not in your life. He should no longer have that privilege.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Ms Chase
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