How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Deborah Your Own Question

Deborah
Deborah, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3217
Experience:  Patient Advocate/Domestic Violence
761613
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Deborah is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I was very close to a Gay friend, (actually was his AA ...

Resolved Question:

I was very close to a Gay friend, (actually was his AA Sponsor) but because of our "official" realtionship Idid not express my feeling directly to him. He is in a very negative and demoraliziing reltionship with another alcoholic who has emotionally and in fact physically abused him. Between August 2007 adn Novemebr he was dealing with his terminally ill mother. (SHe was diagnosed with Terminal Cancer after suffering with MS for 18 years. most of that time my friend provided all support for her) during the ordeal I resisted telling him about my feeliugns because I felt it was more important for me to provide him support. THe "partner" and I use that word very loosely. was not supportive at all. I loaned him money for both the funeral expense and even living money and to purchase a suit for the funeral all with the expectation and understanding that he would begin paying me back in January. THe day after Thanks giving in 2007 he stopped talking with me and has refused to return my calls. I think I made two mistakes and would like some guidence on dealing with them.... Did I make a mistake lending the money (Not on paper) and do I have the right to expect repayment but since none has occurred so far to request it. Second question. I know unequivically and wiht no doubt that I am in love with this man with all my heart. I resisted expressing myself because of my responsibility and the circumstaces... Now in spite of his still living with the "partner" should I risk telling him how I feel. I Have a feeeling he is back in active adiction....

Love is sure (at least in my mind) and I guess blind... I''ve been encouraged by my friends to move on and date others... I''ve done so on a limited basis but each person I meet seems to be compared to the friend.


HELP

Rick
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Deborah replied 6 years ago.

Hello Rick,

Firstly, besides answering relationship questions, I also assist clients with legal issues.

Essentially, you could take your friend to small claims court in an effort to recoup the monies you lent him. As long as you did not stipulate the funds as a gift, you could still receive a court decision ordering him to pay you back.

Although you are legally within your rights to pursue a small claims court case, the real issue that needs to be discerned is if there is potential to have a frank, open conversation with this man to place your sentiments and feelings on the table. If you do not at least make the attempt, you will of course have feelings of self doubt and no closure. You know what they say Rick,-- "Nothing ventured, nothing gained!" You have already mentioned that you date, but continually compare your friend to your dates, so why not write your friend a note explaining that you desperately need to speak to him. Let him know to call you and then arrange a meeting in which you lay your feelings on the table.

What is important in this situation is that the focus of the conversation should be steered by your feelings of love first and foremost. You could also express your concern for his not being clean and sober. As important as it is to address that he may indeed be engaged in active addiction, it would be best to avoid bringing that up straight away. You need clearly express your feelings and love first and then once you know where you stand, broach the subject of alcohol use. Focusing on this addiction would overshadow the importance of your feelings. You want that issue to be clear when you speak to him. He could feel threatened by your past association as his AA sponsor, nothing would be gained by mixing the two issues.

There are no guarantees as to how this will develop, but at least you will have the comfort of knowing you tried. If by chance, his feelings are unfortunately not mutual, then you can clearly address the issue of the monies owed and more importantly move on to a healthy relationship with another man that returns your love.

Should you have further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to ask. I will check back.

 

Deborah, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3217
Experience: Patient Advocate/Domestic Violence
Deborah and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Deborah
Deborah
4 Satisfied Customers
Patient Advocate/Domestic Violence