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Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
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I'm divorced & been seeing a married man for 2+years.

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I'm divorced & been seeing a married man for 2+years. He lives apart from his wife due to job & obvious that he's not happy. We have been very close. Because I feel this isn't going anywhere, he's happy with 2 lives and I have only 1. So after staying w/him it suddenly occurred me me that I had to stop. Couldn't do it face to face so on my way out the door, I handed him a note. I've been crying ever since, it's been 5 hours. Was I wrong in writing it or should I have told him face to face? Although I believe he knew this would happen I'm sure he's been thrown for a loop. I do love him very much.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Theresa replied 7 years ago.


First I would like to tell you that I am sorry to hear of the sadness that you are experiencing from leaving a man that you love... The emotion on the other hand is very normal in all of its pain...

I also want to let you know that though we have never met face to face, I admire the courage that you have demonstrated by looking inward, reaching an appropriate decision and following through with it.

The decision to leave was one of the best choices you will ever have made regarding your future... Being that this man is married and as you state "happy living two lives" strongly suggests that he has no desire to make any life changes for your relationship. It also suggests that he loves himself before you and even before his living wife.

Crying for 5 hours is nothing and I don't mean for this to sound unimportant... When a relationship is broken it is closely identified to death in that the same emotions are experienced. As you know death is a permanent thing and when a break up or divorce takes place in a relationship whereby one of the parties loved selflessly the realization that it is over makes it a permanent loss. If you are still crying in two years then you need to become concerned. What you should really notice is that with each passing month you will cry less. If it appears that you are becoming more depressed I am suggesting that you see a medical doctor and a therapist to prevent your depression from becoming long term.

You may not be aware of this but if you handed the note to him on the way out the door... You did address the subject matter face to face... Do not allow yourself to think otherwise. had you acted in a cowardly manner you would have left while he was at work, never saying anything.

I can't say that I agree with you when you say that he's been thrown a loop... Think about this for a minute... If he has been thrown a loop then he is unaware that he is legally married and should not have involved any one other than his wife to provide him the security and reassurance of being loved.

The only loop that I can possibly consider would be the one that has pulled him through life believing that he can always have his way. He was probably shocked that you took action and stood up for yourself... Let's see if and when he looks you up to attempt to answer something of this nature.

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX peace will come to you again and quickly for you are innocent victim in the is relationship.

The only thing that you have done that is wrong is to love another that is unavilable to you physically and emotionally for this prevents a true relationship from forming. There for you have only hurt yourself.

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Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience: PhD. Clinical Psychology
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