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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I HAVE BEEN DATING MY BOYFRIEND FOR SIX MONTHS. I HAVE ...

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I HAVE BEEN DATING MY BOYFRIEND FOR SIX MONTHS. I HAVE 2 CONCERNS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. FIRST, HE IS STILL FRIENDS WITH HIS EXWIFE. THEY WERE TOGETHER 3 YEARS AND MARRIED 1 YEAR. THEY HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 2 YEARS. THEY STILL EMAIL EACH OTHER ON A REGULAR BASIS. HE WAS UPFRONT AND HONEST ABOUT THE SITUATION BUT IT STILL BOTHERS ME. IS IT NORMAL FOR THEM TO STILL BE CLOSE? I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER AND HE SAID THAT HE STILL CARES FOR HER AND HAS A SISTERLY LOVE FOR HER AND WISHES HER THE BEST. I TRUST HIM BUT I AM NOT SURE IF HE IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME. HOWEVER, HE IS NOT VERY AFFECTIONATE AND HE IS NOT VERY SEXUAL. I ASKED HIM IF HE CONSIDERED HIMSELF AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON AND HE SAID HE DIDNT KNOW BUT HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE WAY HE IS. I ASKED HOW HE VIEWED SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP AND HE SAID THAT HE KNOWS IT IS SOMETHING THAT HAS TO BE DONE TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP MORE THAN FRIENDS. I AM CONFUSED. DOES HE LOVE ME OR IS HE NOT THAT INTO ME?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

If you can answer some questions for me that would be helpful.

Does he share children with his ex wife?

Do you and your boyfriend live together?

Any children involved?

What is his age and your age?

When having sexual relations who initiates it?

Has it become a get it over with act or do you both work into it?

Are you willing to sit down and have a personal one on one talk with him?

Do you love him?

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
No they have no children.
No we dont live together
I have a 10 year old boy he has none
We are both 30.
Most of the time I initiate sex When we do have sex he is into it and seems to enjoy it.....he makes sure I am taken care of...not just himself...but I usually have to initate it
I tried to talk to him a few times but dont seem to get anywhere with it. He gives vague answers.
Yes I am willing to talk to him.
I love him deeply!!!!!
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Since there are two separate issues here that are bothering you I will address them separately. The issue with his wife seems to be one that is causing you to feel insecure and afraid of how he really feels. Trust is a big issue in any relationship........while it would be a perfect world if all relationships came with a built in trust guarantee the fact is they do not. Learning to trust your partner is not as easy as some would think. The fact is a relationship is much like a project you both do together to build something. Whenever you build something with a partner you both must be on the same page and using the same directions. If you are working with a separate set of directions you are both going to come out with a messed up project. So in any relationship the couple must get on the same page with their feelings and needs.

A relationship is build on a few different things......the bottom layer is always honesty. If either party is being dishonest sooner or later the project will crumble. Next comes trust.....once both parties are being honest trust will help wrap the relationship in the love that you feel for each other. The issue you are having is trust and honesty. He needs to be honest about why he is talking to his wife and you need to be honest and let him know how this makes you feel. Keep in mind just because it bothers you that he talks to her doesn't mean that he is being dishonest.........they had a relationship. He is comfortable with that relationship and it sounds like they broke on good terms. You can let him know how this makes you feel.....but do not push him to stop the communication. Eventually your relationship will move into that relationships place and he will feel the need to communicate with her lessen. Though if they have a good friendship he may always talk to her. The key is letting him know how you feel but keeping it simple and to the point. The last thing you want to do is encourage him to hide this.

The fact that he isn't hiding it shows that he doesn't feel ashamed, or guilty over the relationship. In more cases then not when a man is cheating he feels quilt and attempts to hide the conversations. Sit down and talk to him......let him know the vague answers are not helpful and you want to be able to communicate with him about how he feels and what he needs.

As for the sexual issues this breaks down to needs as well.

Ignoring your needs is just as detrimental as ignoring his needs. We all know men can be a little hard headed and not always on target with finding and giving a women the things that she needs. But bear in mind.......we are not mind readers either. A man likes a little direction........I am not saying nag him and pound him with what he is doing wrong. But a adult conversation about what you need and want in the relationship can be very helpful for your man.

Keep in mind men are routine freaks sometimes.......maybe his last relationship she was the aggressor. Since you can not know what there bedroom habits were, you have to accept that this is a possibility. The common "He knows it is something he has to do in a relationship" bothers me a little bit.. I wonder where that is coming from? I am not a physiologist or a counselor but the comment isn't something that you would see in most normal bedroom settings. You may want to talk about this comment.

Let him know that Sex is not something you have to do. If he isn't feeling the desire to have sex he may want to speak with his doctor. It could be a medical issue or it could be something he is upset about. Either way this is something he wants to bring up with his doctor. The fact is all people are different and feel things differently. Doesn't make us sick, or off it just makes us human. If there is a medical reason then this is something his doctor maybe able to assist him with.

Talk to him.......let him know what you need. If you need him to be the aggressor then ask him to. Let him know that you are willing to switch. You may want to consider asking him what he likes in bed. (It may be that he likes a dominate women) some men like to be a little submissive in the bedroom. This could be the issue, or it could just be a routine he has fallen into from other relationships. The fact is until you both sit down and talk and open up with each other you will never know what it is he likes. It could be a certain thing he likes in the bedroom and he is afraid to broach it with you......open up about your own desires, fantasy's and needs and encourage him to do so as well. Remember the trust we talked about? Trust him enough to tell him your fantasys........even if the fantasy are something you will never do. The fact that you have them and have shared them with him will help show him it is OK to talk about his own fantasy and desires.

I would also recommend that if he is adamant with the vague answers and simply will not talk at all that you may want to consider going to a relationship counselor with him. Often a counselor can help you both communicate with each other and come to a understanding without the fear and pressures often found at home.

I wish you the best,

Walter

 

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
THIS IS FOR WALTER. I HAVE A COUPLE MORE ISSUES THAT HAVE COME UP CONCEARNING THE SITUATON WITH MY BOYFRIENDS EXWIFE. AS BEFORE, THEY ARE STILL FRIENDS AND STILL EMAIL OCCASIONALY. HOWEVER, I HAVE LEARNED THAT HE STILL HAS HER HOME AND CELL PHONE NUMBER PROGRAMMED IN HIS CELL PHONE. HE EVEN HAS A RINGTONE ASSIGNED TO IT. IT IS "EVERY MILE A MEMORY" BY DIERKS BENTLEY. IF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE SONG IT TALKS ABOUT MISSING SOMEONE AND EVERYTHING IN LIFE REMINDS HIM OF HER. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO CALL HIM THE OTHER EVENING, IN WHICH HE DIDNT ANSWER IT. I AM TRYING TO BE POSITIVE AND TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE OK WITH THIS AND NOT TO BE A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND. BUT THIS WORRIES ME ABOUT HIS EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH HER? DO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE WORRIED? DO I NEED TO HAVE A TALK WITH HIM OR LEAVE IT ALONE. WE HAVENT HAD ANY TENTION IN OUR RELATONSHIP THUS FAR, BUT I FEEL THAT THIS IS GOING TO END UP AN ISSUE FOR US. PLEASE HELP
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Sorry for the delay......for some reason this post was not sent to my email and thus I missed it.

The fact he has the numbers would not concern me much.....the fact is they are friends and thus he would have friends numbers. The rign tone is issue, not only for you and your feelings but for his own wellbeing in getting over this.

As for your comment: I AM TRYING TO BE POSITIVE AND TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE OK WITH THIS AND NOT TO BE A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND

First off, there is no reason to believe you are jealous.....a ring tone like this would drive even a saint to concern lol. Keep in mind your emotions are there for a reason, while jealousy can hurt a relationship that emotion is a part of who you are and it is a nature emotion. Just like your brain sends painful feelings when you are hurt so you know to stop the action, your brain also sends jealousy feelings when something doesn't feel right. The key is learning if the feelings are justified or if they are just you over reacting to something that bothers you. In this case, it is your brain telling you something doesn't fit. And that something needs to be done.

I would not advise you to keep quite about this if it bothers you. While we all must learn to live with somethings, bottling up the big issues will not help either. Remember there is a extreme on every side. While you do not want to go crazy over every little thing you do not need to put blinders on and walk around trusting everyone either lol.

The ring tone is a issue that needs to be addressed not only for you but for himself as well. Unfortunately sometimes people do not allow them selves to get over someone. This sounds like the issue here. He doesn't want to forget her yet.........because he is not allowing himself to do so.

Sitting down with him is the first step. Let him know how this makes you feel. Ask him why he uses this song as his ring tone only for her. Try not to be confrnationall.....let him know it bothers you but you are more concerned about why he feels this is needed. Give him time to tell you, he may have to think about it. Let him know that he doesn't need to make excuses but to just be honest so you can work on this together.

If he blows it off, ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Ask him how he would approach the subject if you had your ex on a ring tone such as this. In the end unless he is ready to broach this subject with you then it will continue to bother you.

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
This is for Walter. I have another dilema over my boyfriend. First he tells me that he has never been very sexual however, he has condoms and foreplay playing cards in his dresser drawer. If he never thinks about having sex..why does he have this stuff? Plus I found out that not only does he still talk to his exwife and has the disrespectful ringtone..he also has a box of "memories" from their relationship stashed away in his closet. Inside this box is their wedding album, engagment pics, various other pics from over the years, and hundreds of letters that he had wrote her over the years. I know he was affectionate to her cause he talked about giving her massages in these letters. He told her how he adored her and how wonderful she was and everything he loved about her. So I know he knows how to express his feelings. Plus in one of the letters he was talking about her other boyfriend that she had during their realtionship. How he was upset cause she had spent the night with him but that he still loved her and wanted to marry her. That they were best friends and friends could be married, spend time together, vacation together, snuggle, but that she didnt have to have a sexual realtionship with him if she didnt want to!?!?! Could this be a cause of his sexual issuses? I am not happy about nor do I understand why he still has all this stuff after 2 years. I can understand the wedding album....but not holding on to letters he wrote to her. I am really concearned about the level of emotional connection he still has for her...therefore, making the issue of them being friends and talking very hard to deal with right now!!! He says he loves me, is in love with me, and is serious about our relationship...so why does he still have this? I know this is something he could have put in the closet when they divorced way before we started dating and hasnt thought of it since or had time to go through but I cant help to feel very threatned right now. I wouldnt have an issue if he was being affectionate to me but I just feel that something is up. So my question is what do I do about this? I love this man deeply, We never argue...he is good to me...I trust him in all other areas other than her. Do I confront him about this or leave it alone. We have only been together 7 months but in a way that is a long time and I am very much emotionaly invested in him and us. Do I chill and wait another 6 months, a year, 2 years to see if he lets this crap go and just enjoy our time together. Or do I need to confront him so I dont end up hurt? Knowing this stuff has left me hurt and confused. Why does he still want to be friends with her if she did all that to him. And why isnt he telling me how much he adores me...when I am good to him. I dont know how to talk to him about this cause he doesnt know that I know this stuff exists....so what should I do? Should I stay or run for the hills?
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Based on what you have told me there is a excellent chance these letters/pictures etc are old things he forgot about. Keep in mind men do not think about these things like women do. (Not all men, but a good majority tend to put something up and it is gone forever). Sort of the out of sight out of mind.

So do you confront him or do you ignore it......that depends on how it makes you feel inside. If this is something that is going to fester under the skin then talk to him. But you must accept that this may be a simple matter of something forgotten. He may feel defensive when you approach him if he forgot about it and may feel that you do not trust him. So if you do talk to him, make sure he understands that you are not upset just curious if he wants to keep them or if it is time to get rid of them.

I know this is painful but if you tell him you read the letters he may feel like you have invaded something private so approach this with caution.....a simple "I was cleaning the closet and found this......what would you like me to do with it" would be best. If he says put it back, then you may want to ask him why he wants to keep it. If he says throw it away or offers to give them to his ex then there is little cause for concern that he is keeping them for emotional reasons. While he could be lying....it is doubtful he would throw them away to keep you happy if this is his connection.

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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