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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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how to deal with an unaffectionate boyfriend

Customer Question

My partner and I lived together since almost a year now, I moved to Canada, because of our relationship, since we know each other I knew he wasnt very much of a cuddler or an affectioned person, but now that we live together things are just a bit too much. I have to start all when it comes to affection, simple kisses, hugs, he wont really hug me at all unless I ask for it, but will be just a cold arms around.
sex is less he wont do much for me or for forplay...I could start all the time, but I feel so insecure now about us, I know he wants me here, but why he does not express his feelings towards ME?, OR WHY HE DOES NOT SAY WHAT I MEAN TO HIM?, last time I ask him if he loved me after a small disagreement ( we never fight) he say its unfair to ask him, he wants to feel it and say it and not say it because he has too, but then does this mean he does not love me? I have tried to explain him I need some affection, even if its small to start but I feel + like a roommate & not agirlfrien
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer/p>

Howold are the two of you?

How long did you know him before you moved with him?

Where did you meet?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello Ms Chase,

I am 34, and he is 36.

We know each other since almost 4 years, but we became a couple in August 2006.

We both used to work on Cruise ships, and we decided to give it a good try to our relationship on land, as on ships it's hard to stay on the same one ( we both were managers and we were lucky to be in the same ship, but normally on my position I would have been transfer every contract) We used to have such an amazing relationship, we still do somehow, we don't really have disagreements, and we do complement well. We have fun together.

He is somehow very shy when it comes to love, and I know he has been hurt really bad in the past,( but haven't we all?) he was also was used to just to be in fast relationships all the time, Im is 3rd longest relationship ever. He is scared to death when we talk about marriage ( we don't really believe in married but, since Im not Canadian we have been looking into all the options the law give us to stay together, we want to apply for conjugal or common law partnership, marriage is out of the question)

My problem is his lack of affection, is just not normal, I knew he was a not very affectioned person, but this is just not normal, I have to ask for kisses, he will never pass by and touch my shoulder or hug me just because...if I am sad or troubled, as I has been many times lately because of all the stress and our paperwork to stay together, he doesn't seem to notice, Im not sure if its not caring? which he does demonstrates he cares by the questions he ask and the ideas he gave me, but he does not comfort me in his arms , he buy me flowers but he lives them in the kitchen for me to find, he find that a nice surprise, he does not get close and hug me, or let me know how important I am for him, so that I can keep on fighting all this situation. H e is scared of love, but how do I help him?

I have tried to explain him how important is for me, but he knows he has this problem, he says I m not the only girlfriend that has tell him this. I dont want to be just another girlfriend complaining about it, I want to help him to solve this and enjoy love and partnership. H eloves dogs and every time we pass by a nice dog, he give him so much love that I cant believe it, I even mention this to him, that maybe I should be wearing a puppy suit so he could get close to me?...please advice me how to help him to see me has his girlfriend and not just like a room mate.This hurts
Thanks
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Customer

I know it hurts. The problem is, if one person tells you something, then you may think its possible its a fluke or it may not be true, but when more people tell you the same thing, then you know there may be some truth to it. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.....the fact that his other girlfriends complained about it as well means that it's not personal towards you, but a problem he's had for a long time.

If he has never seen a therapist or had counseling, this might be a good time for him to think about it. Perhaps if he knows how badly this is affecting you he might consider it. There are many men (and women) who are not affectionate, whether its because of the way they were raised or because they have been hurt, but if someone truly cares about you they should be willing to compromise.

If he is willing, perhaps you can try some touching exercises. Hand massages, foot massages, full body massages (that don't necessarily lead to sex) are all good ways to help him get used to touching and being touched. Ask him if he can remember to hug you or touch you at least twice a day. Once he starts doing it, it can become more habitual and he may get over his fears or whatever it is that's stopping him. If he can't remember, he can put two colored rubber bands on his wrist, and when he sees the rubber bands, it can remind him, or you can put a note on the fridge "don't forget my hugs" and this can help him remember. I know it might seem silly, but when it works, it might not seem so. :)

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He is coming home early today, we agree to go to the gym and then I will try to talk to him...Im just afraid and I get confused when it comes to put my words together...

I think with sticky notes on the fridge and the rubber bands might help, with massages is hard, he even knows how much I need massages I get so stressed in my upper back, but he never offers me a small massage help, I think is harder, I feel regected...I know I shouldnt...
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

You should not in any way feel rejected, remember that you're not the first person to tell him this. You also should not feel afraid, this is your man, the person you've been with for almost a year....if you can't feel comfortable talking to him then there is more of a problem than just affection. Just let him know that you want to try a few things to help him with his affection issues. As for the massages, don't make it optional. Pick a day of the week, ie; Friday nights where it is massage night. Light candles, play some music, and have a glass of wine or champagne (whatever you like) lay a blanket on the floor or set up the bed so that you're both comfortable. Each of you gets 15-30 minutes, then you switch and the other gets a turn. You can also take a natural bristle hairbrush and brush in strokes down each others bodies. Don't forget the hand and feet massages as well. I know you're nervous, but it's worth a try.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks Im going to try...thanks so much for your help
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues