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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Do the majority of married men look at soft porn

Customer Question

My husband and I have been married twelve years and I am very upset that he has been and continues to look at soft porn and u tube videos of young women stripping, etc. Do I need to seek counseling to understand and accept this behavior? Do most married men do this? It makes me feel very in secure and worthless. We are in our 50''s.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

Has he ever cheated on you?

Have you talked to him about it? if so what was his response?

Do you look at porn?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I have never ever had the slightest doubt that he was cheating on me. He is a hard worker and rarely goes out without me to bars etc. I do not look at porn, although I have had seen enough of it with my first husband who went to strip clubs, watched porn, and invited strangers he picked up from homeless shelters to hide in our bedroom closet and other places to watch us when we were makeing love. I had no idea he was doing this and when I discovered one of the creeps, I filed for divorce and got full custody of the children.

I confronted my current husband with the concerns I have about him watching these sexual videos, and at first he got very defensive and told me that it is nothing and quite normal for men to do this. He said he has been and will always be faithful to me and just looks at them because he sees them as funny entertainment. I don't buy that one. After seeing how upset I am and this isn't the first time, he promised me he will not look at them again. I have heard this before however, and no longer believe him. I do not want to control him, but I feel that I could not possibly compete with women 30 years younger than me, and it really hurts that he goes outside of our marriage for sexual satisfaction. He tells me that they are only pictures on a screen, and am the one who needs help. I don't know how to look the other way and not be upset and feel depressed over this situation. I know he loves me and I trust him as far as other women are concerned, but I wonder what is in the future.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

This is a tough one and the answer varies with the individual relationship. Some men look at porn the same way they look at football, race car driving, they can look at it all day, every day and it is nothing but pretty pictures and not a part of their "real" life. It's like women drooling over Denzel or Brad Pitt, we know we can't ever have them, but it doesn't hurt to daydream. With men, it's even simpler than that.....rarely are they looking at a woman's personality, or do they care what she's thinking, they are just looking at a pleasant (albeit stimulating) landscape.

Other people believe that looking at porn will make a man more likely to cheat because he will see things that he wants that he might not get at home. I'm of the opinion that if a man is a cheater by nature, then he will cheat. He could be with the most gorgeous woman in the universe and he will still cheat. On the other hand, if a man is a good man, all the porn in the world won't change that.

I understand what you went thru with your first husband, but we are talking about two different men here. You have to judge them on their own merits. If you're considering that there is some type of competition between you and these 'actors', its like saying you think that he will seek out one of these women in order to be with them, which doesn't make sense. You have to ask yourself, is it the pron you want him to stop? what about other online sites that show women? what about movies that show female actresses? Men look at most women in a sexual manner, it's just the way they are built. Looking at pictures or films is not going outside of your marriage because these things are not real (in my opinion). You have to decide if you really trust him, or if this is something else thats bothering you.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is if it's really causing an issue then it needs to be discussed. Perhaps there's some type of compromise you can come to. That he won't leave the stuff where you can see it. That the two of you spend more time together. That you talk more about it and let him know that it makes you feel like you're not enough. You may also want to look into counseling to deal with some of the issues from your first husband.

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for your opinion. I think the comments you made reflect good common sense, and I have come to terms with the fact that men do look at other women in a sexual way. It truely is how they are made. I trust him completely and realize that the women he is looking at whether on TV or the web are just a quick fantasy and not a threat to our relationship.

Thanks for your help in this matter. I do feel that your objectivity has helped clear the shadows from my past. It is simple when I stop and realize that my husband is night and day from my first husband and I need to relax and realize that!

Sincerely,

Janice
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Janice,

I'm glad I was able to help. Please feel free to ask for me by name if you ever want to talk again.

Warmly

Chase

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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues