How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Theresa Your Own Question

Theresa
Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
1277353
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Theresa is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

have been seeing my ex for 18yrs. we are both married. he ...

Customer Question

have been seeing my ex for 18yrs. we are both married. he is married to the girl he left me for. we see each other every chance we can. we have tried to end it but we keep getting back. should we try to work on our relationship or end it and how do we end it?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

Hello:

From the post that you have made it appears that you are looking for someone to make a decision for you but this would not be ethical. You are the only ones that can really make this decision.

You say that you were once a couple... Did you only date but never marry?

Also, you say that you have been seeing each other for 18 years every chance that you get and you are both married to some one else.

There are a few suggestions I have for you consider and to ask yourself as individuals and as a couple... Looking deeply within the self will help you come to the appropriate resolution to your internal conflict.

1. Do the two of you engage in sexual intercourse when you are together. Actually, even if you don't... Do you engage in sexual activity of any type: Hugging, Kissing ( More then a friendly peck on the cheek) Touching or easier stated: Everything but actual intercourse?

If you do then you will not be able to end it just like that for sexual passion in a relationship, though not required, does strengthen the bond and this would make this very difficult. Do you believe that you are strong enough to see each other less frequently (much less) with out engaging in any type of sexual activity?

2. Are either of your spouses aware of this relationship? If the answer to this is NO, there are two things to consider... If you decide to end the relationship with each other are you going to be emotionally tormented and unhappy to the point that they will see your sadness? And, when they approach you are you going to be able to be honest with them about what has happened?

3. How is it with your spouses now? Do either or both of you share sexual intimacies with your spouse? What is this like for you realizing that you have not been faithful to them though they believe that you are?

4. Putting your self in the role of your spouse's... How would you feel if the situation were reversed... would you be humiliated... would you feel used?

You ask if you should work on your relationship... I will ask what relationship? When you can not be free and have to keep your activities hidden then this indicates that something isn't tight about it for you.

A more fitting question would be whether or not you should divorce your spouse's so that you don't have to continue to live a secret life. Or, if you should end it.

The reality is this... If the two of you can't be apart and feel that you need to be together then this is what you should do. To continue as you are is unfair to the ones that you are bound to by marriage. A divorce would allow them to find the happiness that you believe that you have with each other. While they have done nothing wrong, they are victims of your actions and the result is emotional depression for them. While they will get past this it is not healthy to consider leading them on any further. Should the two of you decide to make a life for you selves they will both feel stupid as it is. After all for someone to trust you for 18 years all the while your heart belonged to someone else is mentally debilitating.

Not forgotten, You ask how do we end it... The verbal answer is easy ... You simply close the door to the past and never reopen i

Try to understand that if my response is offensive to you that is not my intention. However, when trying to find a solution for such a fragile event this is the only way to do it. I would not be of service to you at all if I were to give you an answer that is designed regarding what you want to hear.

Let me know I if I can hep you with this further.

Terri

If this information has been helpful to you then please do ACCEPT by clicking on the green button on your screen for this is how we are compensated for our work. Positive feedback is always appreciated too!

If I can be of assistance to you in the future, you may request my help by typing:

ATTN: Terri60 before typing your question on the header or subject line and submitting it!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions