If he does not pay child support because it has not been ordered through the court and if he has never been authorized to have visitation with the child through the court, then legally, he has no claim to the child, even if it is his biological child.
If they are only friends and he sleeps on the sofa then it shouldn't matter if he has condoms or not.
I do wish that I could talk to your daughter one to one... However that is not possible... I would like to ask that you share this with her though... Let her know that it is coming from me the shrink and not you her mom.
First let her know that behavior is like a swinging pendulum... Though it may get bumped and shift course for a moment this is only temporary and it will return to normal activity in no time...
Ask her what she enjoys about being abused by someone that isn't worthy of being identified as the child's father... She will tell you that he doesn't really abuse her... Trust me though he does... If not physically then emotionally. You did say that she is afraid of him correct?
Ask her what birth defect her son was born with that will prevent him from seeing this so called "father" treating her like this as he grows... And by all means ask her how she is going to handle it when her son begins doing the same thing... You see children learn by observation and example of how things are supposed to be... We call it role modeling.
Then ask her why she pretends to be afraid of him? You see if she is really afraid of him she could leave shortly after he leaves for his permiscuous... excuse me, I mean business trip...
Then ask her if she will be so kind as to forgive me if my words are harsh. For you see, I have worked with inmates and couples and severely abused and battered women and children and have seen the results of this type of relationship first hand. And though we have never met, I wish this on no one. Therefore, my direct approach is only to motivate her thinking and perhaps let her view things from another perspective.
Tell her that while she and her newborn son are young... This is the time that she needs to make positive change for the two of them for until he is older his safety and welfare are in her hands.
Tell her to buy something nice for her self and the baby and to quit paying his bills... For if she doesn't leave at least he won't have the money to buy condoms and run around on her unless he chooses to foot it for his car will be repossessed.
Let me know if you need further help with this... I am here.
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I realize that her self esteem is not up to par right now for she has been through a lot... From this additional information it sounds as thought she probably entered this relationship without being over her divorce. Also, giving birth takes the physical body into turmoil due to the rapid fall and rise of hormones.
I do hope that she can get out of this abusive relationship also before it becomes an ever increasing cycle.
I agree with you more than you realize that she needs to be away from him and needs time to heal so that he can begin to grow with her boys. I have to ask... Is she your only child or the baby and was she an over achiever in her developmental years... ?
Perhaps it will encourage you to know that I have a younger sister that experienced the same thing your daughter is right now... She is now doing well and married... Her husband adopted her daughter (She was 5 when they married) and they have added two more to the bunch. Share this with your daughter and let her know that time will also allow this pain to heal. What is important is that she allow it to happen instead of masking the pain by entering another relationship to soon.
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