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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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i am 20 and have been with my boyfriend 4 years, about a ...

Customer Question

i am 20 and have been with my boyfriend 4 years, about a year ago we tried being together but i had little time and was nurvous because i was not sure, we tried but nothing happened, a couple months ago i was sure but nothing happened and we were cought i love him and i feel like i''m ready but i am afraid that we are not going to be able to do it. Is there something wrong with me what can i do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Saha replied 6 years ago.
HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. The other Experts and I are working on your answer. By the way, it would help us to know:

-Why do you think you will not be able to do it?any physical abnormality?
-What have you already tried?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
It is just a mental thought because we have tried it before and it really hurt so we never got very far and one other thing i dont feel very confortable with by body so iam embaressed last time i tried to get away form every thing and be relaxed but it still hurt and we did not finish
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Maria,

How old is your boyfriend?

Why are you not comfortable with your body?

Do you live together, or?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
My boyfriend is 23 and we don't live together i still live at home with my parents. I feel self consious because my boyfriend has done it before and i feel iam not better. I haden't been with anyone and i didn' know what to expect i had herd that it hurt and it really did. I am ebaressed to let him touch my body especialy my chest, i feel there is nothing to touch.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Maria,

Making love for the first time can be a really scary experience, especially when you know that it might hurt a bit. Sometimes when it's not something we are ready to do, it might hurt even more or we may feel extra uncomfortable. If you are not ready for it, it might be best to wait until you feel more comfortable.

With that being said, you have to learn to love your body. You cant think about the fact that he has done it before, because you can't change what he's done in his past, and it's not going to do you one bit of good to think about that, and try to live up to his past performances. There must be lots of things your boyfriend likes about you and your body if you have been together for four years, so I don't think that your chest bothers him. If a man loves you he's not going to be worried about all of that anyway, he'll just want you to be as comfortable as possible.

The next time you decide to try, I want you to talk to your boyfriend about foreplay. I want the two of you to create an atmosphere where you feel sexy and romantic. Light candles, take a bubble bath, put some nice perfume and something sexy on. Soft music, maybe some chocolates and strawberries....whatever your fantasy is. Maybe romantic to you would be hip hop music and strobe lights, whatever makes you feel sexy and puts you in the mood. Then I want you to give him and have him give you a massage, full body, back, hands, neck, legs. He should not try to have sex at all until you tell him that you're ready. You can kiss and touch each other, but focus on taking turns massaging each other. When you are ready and feel like you want to go further you let him know. Maybe you won't feel like it that night, maybe you'll want to try again another time, but it should be when you are ready and he should not pressure you.

When you are comfortable, ready and willing it will not hurt as much, if at all. Another thing that can help with the pain is using a water based lubricant.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I totally understand what you are telling me. There is a little but. Iam embaressed to do that foreplay thing i don't know why I mean i am not going to say that i don't have thoughts about it but making it happen seems diffrent. is there any place where i can start without jumping to that like what would be a first step.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I was thinking of getting a room to make things more comfortable. i feel like i am ready i know that my boyfriend wants to feel loved and i would too. i can't avoid thinking that it might hurt because it happened before and i was wondering what lubricant you recommend? I was also wanting to know if the lubricant will affect us in any way if we are using a condom? what recomendations can you give me to make it a better experience than what i have had
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Maria,

If you can afford to get a room then that's a good idea because then you don't have to worry about anyone walking in on you and you can relax in your privacy. When I say foreplay, I want you to start out with just massaging each other, hand massage, foot massage, soulder massage....full body massages, soft music, a nice smelling massage oil.

What exactly embarasses you about the foreplay thing?

If you are using condoms, you want to use a water based lubricant as anything else can lessen the effectiveness of the condom and/or even cause it to break. Water based lubricants can be found at any drugstore, and even places like walmart should carry them. If you're concerned about privacy, you can even order them online. Some name brands include Astroglide and Maximus. Here's an article on lubricants.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Well he is my 1st boyfriend and I grew up in a typical Hispanic home we never talked about sex I don't Even hold hands in front of my family My family has the idea that you should not really have physical contact with your boyfriend until you are engaged or accually married. I think I grew up Thinking it was going to happen when I got married. When iam with him he is the one that kisses me and I sometimes I will give him a kiss on the cheek or a peck on the mouth but that is about as far as I go I haven't really tried anything else BC I don't know what or how and if he Will like it
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I understand. So is this something you want to do or would you prefer to wait?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Well to be honest i would like to be able to kiss him or touch him but i haven't done it so i don't know were to start
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Maria,

Sex and love are as old as time itself. Truthfully, if you are really in love, or really comfortable with someone, you wouldn't find it hard to be able to touch or kiss them, it's something that should come naturally.

If you have been with him for 4 yrs, then you know there must be something about you that he cares about and wants to be with, so your fears that he may not like your body or you are somewhat irrational. I can't tell you whether he loves you or not, but I would venture to say that perhaps you are feeling this way because you are just not ready to be involved with someone sexually.

If you disagree with me, that's fine. Your best bet is to ask him to show you how he likes to be kissed and likes to be touched. As long as you are comfortable with it, you can do it his way, you can try different ways and you can learn, in time, what you like as well. Sometimes you just have to say the heck with it and jump in with both feet. I still think that you should start out with full body massages, just to get comfortable. Kissing for a long time before starting anything having to do with sex helps as well.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I mean like yesterday i spent sometime with him and i can say that when we kissed for a while i felt like i was ready and he does make me feel like iam ona cloud when he kisses me and i just respond to what he does so if he bites my lips i do that to and sometimes after he kisses my neck i feel like kissing him to but iam a lille sacred to try it because i have never done it so i don't know how to or if he will like it
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Maria,

I think you are over thinking the whole thing. Just be yourself....it's really that simple. If he does something that you like, try it on him. In fact, many times we do things to our lover that we would like done to us. He's your boyfriend, you should be able to do what you feel, and let him know that if you do something he doesn't like to let you know.

I hope this helps, let me know i you want to talk more. If this has helped, please remember to click the green accept button so I get credit for my work with you.

Warmly,

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I really thank you for your advise I feel a lot better because i haden't told anyone how i was feeling about this Thank you for you time!!!
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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