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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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What are the signs that a man has some serious issues due ...

Resolved Question:

What are the signs that a man has some serious issues due to a poor relathionship with his mother?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Yharmony

Is this someone you're dating or thinking of dating?

How old are the two of you?

What kind of issues does he have?

How was his relationship with his mother?

The more info you give me, the better I can help

Chase

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: This is someone I am involved with yes.

His age is 55
Mine is 46

He has been married before. Divorced now over 10 years. He has an 28 yr daughter and 2 grandchildren.
After his divorce he has been in 2 other "live in" relationships. However we do not live together. A mutual decision.

Actually showing care is something that when he is showing it he becomes very uncomfortable even akward at times.
So it is not something he shows very often.

I am always greeted with a kiss. But not until he is within minutes of going home dose the affection pick back up again. Our sex life however is fantastic! He is very affectionate,warm, he is awsome when we are in bed. Lots of foreplay.
This is very confusing to me.

"showing me care" has become a huge issue for me.

Relationship with his mother was a very poor one. A single mom raising 4 children. She wasn't a very nice woman in his recolections.

His dad did not participate in his raising.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Yharmony,

You know what's interesting is that it may not be just about his mother. His lack of affection could have to do with a wide variety of different things, including but not limited to

  • parents/familial lack of affection, he could just come from a family that was not very big on showing or accepting affection. He could have been ignored, left alone or not touched much when he was a small child
  • he could have been in a relationship/s that frowned upon affection of made him feel bad or 'wrong' about showing it. Showing affection could have brought a negative result to him
  • Society teaches men that they must be strong, tough, and hard, not soft, romantic and sappy. They are protectors and providers not sex objects or sweet lovers.

Sometimes it can be some type of mixture of all of these things that created the way he is. It's really hard to tell for sure. The good thing is that it hasn't affected his sex life. Perhaps you can try a few touching exercises that may help him become more comfortable with touching. If he is an enthusiastic lover, perhaps he would be willing to try some new things. See here a great article on Tantric sex, consider giving each other full body massages, brushing each others bodies with a natural hair bristle brush, foot and hand massages, washing each others hair....all things he may reject or feel uncomfortable with at first. Keep in mind that none of these things must lead to sex. You should in fact do many of them without it leading to sex so that he can learn that touching doesn't always have to lead to sex, but can be just as fulfilling.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know i you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
You know the senario of the woman who cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids for her man, but when it comes to the bedroom she is incable of connecting with him due to some tragic even in her life. She solely participates in the bedroom to give her husband sexual gratification.
And we all know where that eventually leads for the man.

Well this is similar to what I am worried about with my man.
He only participates in "ANY" type of caring, (not just affection), when he has too.
There is no "connecting".
"EXCEPT"...when we walk into the bedroom and then there is more then impressive conecting.
He's warm, loving, gentle, affectionate, attentive to my every move, word or requests.

For years I would go through these little episodes where I would get so pissed at him accusing him of not caring about me.
He would get SO angry, and intersting enough and even more confusing "hurt". Just because
I would say to him you do not care about me.

So for the last year I switched it to trying to focus on "I" instead of pointing the finger at him. Like, "I need....." or "I would really like it if we would...."

That has failed miserablly. Going on 6 years being involved with him I have lost all hope.

I have been very sick for a couple of weeks. The best he dose is offer me advice like.
Get your rest
Eat good
Don't forget to take your vitamines
Take it easy don't do so much
etc...

And it has always been that way anytime I have been sick.

The worst part is he completelly dosen't see my issue. It is like he dosen't even know that "him and caring for someone" even exists.
Even something as litte as if he would take out the trash while he was here.
I get nervous an deal with thoughts like, "oh shit the trash must have really got on his nerves for some reason".
I don't say that. An I thank him for it. But even something as little as that makes me nervous and uncomfortable because he alomst never "DOES" anything to care for me.
He has cooked for "me" one time in 6 years. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE. He was cute doing it. But you could clearlly see it was very awkward for him.
It was 4 years into our involvment and it was like our first date or something. And he was very nervous trying to impress me. And yet he loves too cook.
We have often shared the cooking for a meal we would be having. But even then it would be he would do his thing while I am doing mine.
LIke he bbq's the meat while I cook the potatoe salad type of thing.
Or he would fry the chicken wings while I'm making the salad.
He would fry the catfish nuggets while I'm making the coleslaw etc...

I remember onetime he cared for me that blew me out of the water.
We had finished having sex. He went to the bathroom and I had discovered the condum had came off. I knew I was fertile and would have became pregnant. I jumped up ran to the bathroom and looked at him in sheer terror. I told him what had happened and returned back to the bed an layed my face down and was sobbing. He leaned over the top of me and engulfed me with his whole body and just held me an wouldn't let go seeming like for ever.

I did wind up pregnant.
And we agreed I would abort for seious medical reasons. AS well as neither one of us agreed to me being pregnant.
Sounds great except for this. He wasn't there for me for any of the abortion. I had to tackle it myself and there is NO talking about it EVER. It is like it never happend.
I had my tubes tied 9 months later. He wasn't there for me for ANYTHING to do with that. Nothing. Called an asked. How are you doing. That is it.
NO CARE "0" nadda zip none.
I am 150% he cares about me and is totally crzy about me.
But he dosen't show it. Period!

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