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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I just got dumped after 4 months. My now ex told me ...

Customer Question

I just got dumped after 4 months. My now ex told me that he needed to tackle his drinking problem and depression, and this is for my own good. He also said that he hasn''t been "present", and is always tired/cranky/less than amorous, and this is because of all the stressors (80 hr work weeks, crappy friends, and family issues), that it ISN''T me...I''ve been super-supportive and loving. He also said he might want to contact me in the future. I''m hurt and angry, but love him with all my heart. He was the one that told me he could picture the spending his life with me. What do I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello meg,

How old are the two of you?

Is he cutting things completly?

You met him 4 mos ago or you started dating 4 mos ago?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We met 4 months ago, and started dating immediately...at his request. I'm 31, he's 35. He dumped me on Sunday, and there hasn't been any contact.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Do you think he just got scared?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Meg,

I can't say that it's not possible that he didn't get scared. By the same token he's given you a half a dozen very good reasons why you shouldnt be together. Perhaps he could picture spending the rest of his life with you but in his current situation, can't see how it could be a reality. It is possible that he want's to get his life together, or maybe that he wants to be miserable alone. He could be testing you to see if you'll just walk away, or he could just not want to be in a relationship at the moment. It's really hard to say when someone is dealing with so much at once.

I would wait a few more days and see if he contacts you. If he doesn't contact you, reach out to him, and let him know you were just calling to see how he is. Let him do the talking and if he doesn't talk, just make small talk, nothing too heavy and be the first to hang up. Wait another week and see if he contacts you, if not call again, same scenario. If this goes on for a few weeks and he doesn't seem to be opening up, you may want to consider that he's firm about his decision.

I'm not comfortable with him saying he 'might want to contact you in the future". What does that mean? Does he expect you to wait until this future time when he may decide that the time is right? It's very hard to be put on hold, but that decision is really up to you. How long you'll wait, or if you'll wait at all.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He is in the entertainment industry, and a second chance is rare. He said he really needs to clean himself up. When he was going through his diatribe, I had offered to help him with whatever problem he had. His answer was that he "pushes away those closest to him". I was so hurt once he left, I deleted any way of getting in contact with him...so now it really is up to him. My heart is telling me he might come back, but I don't want to get my hopes up.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Meg,

I've been in the entertainment industry for many years, so I know exactly what you mean. We can be there for people, but we can't 'fix' them, that's something they have to want to do themselves. He was lucky to have you in his corner, but I think you made the right decision to let it go and see what he does with it. Many people push away the people that are close to them because committing to something scared the mess out of them, but how long can you use that as an excuse. At what point do you grow up and accept responsibility. I wouldn't get your hopes up, nor would I rule out other options. There's somebody out there for you, that will love you like you need to be loved, believe that. They won't push you away and you won't have to ask why they are doing the things they do, or acting the way they are acting.

I'm here if you want to talk more

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for your reply, you've been extremely helpful.

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