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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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What to do when your boyfriends best friend is a woman.

Resolved Question:

What to do when your boyfriends best friend is a woman. She bought concert tickets for his birthday and she wants to take him. Is this a date?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Hello Lisa

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

How old are the two of you?

Has he gone out with her alone before since you've been with him?

Has he ever been intimate with her? Where does he know her from?

Have you expressed concern? If so, what was his response?

Chase

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: We met a year ago and have dated on and off. But started dating seriously a month ago.

He and I are 45 and she is 35 and single. She is in a long distance relationship and unsure of where it is going.

He has spent much time alone with her before we dated. He has known her for several years. He was in love with her but they were never intimate. They met running while he was going through his divorce.

I expressed concern becuse I feel out of the loop. I spend a considerable amount of time helping him remodel his house. Every weekend and most nights after work. I taught him how to tile etc. I cook dinner for him most nights and we sleep together most nights. We have been so busy working on his house that we have not had time to go out. I had friends over for his birthday two weeks ago and the next night she took him out for drinks with her girlfriends, first he invited me then he told me he did not want me to go so I stayed home and had my feelings hurt. They both got very drunk and he slept on her couch and came home the next day. They both like to go out to bars and drink and this is what they like to do together. She gave him tickets to a concert in SF for next weekend and they are planning to go together. A few years back they used to go to concerts together. She lives in Sac and works in Davis and sometimes spends the night at his place for convenience. They have done this for some time. She shows up whenever. He will do anything with her that she asks. Last Thurs she came over and went to dinner with him a half hour before I got off work without even asking me to join them. She came over to his place and went for a walk with him for an hour last night. I asked to go with them and was told she wanted to talk to him alone. I am not worried about them having an affair, because if they wanted to do that they had plenty of chance before I came along. I know it is a friendship, but am feeling very left out. Right now I feel likd he gets all the benefits from me and has all the fun with her. I think she is out of line and selfish since we are trying to have a relationship. I feel like if he is dating me, he should be doing these things with me and not her. I want to be his best friend. He is her sounding board for her relationships. I want our relationship to work because I am in love with him.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Hi Lisa,

This is dangerous ground he is on and in my opinion definitely something to be worried about. On one hand, he's been friends with her for a while, however when you get into a relationship, you have to re-evaluate your relationships with others. You have obviously invested yourself into this relationship emotionally and otherwise. You're helping him with his house, which is very thoughtful and shows a large commitment to him, but he's not necessarily returning that commitment.

He should never have told you not to come out with them for drinks. If he is in a relationship with you, then you are number one and everyone else comes after. The fact that he was in love with her makes the situation worse because as you said he will do anything with her that she asks. Not inviting you to dinner with them, not buying an extra ticket for you, them going for walks alone. You may feel like you don't have to worry about them having an affair but the reality is, they already are having an affair, it just may not be physical, yet. They are involved and invested with each other emotionally, and I'm sorry to say that's scarier than a physical relationship.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is you can't be angry at her because she can only do what he allows her to do. Everything she does, he allows. He has to make a decision to make you number one in his life, you can't make that decision for him. Another thing that concerns me, she may have felt all this time that she had 'rights' to him, his feelings and his time, and may come to resent you. She may even find that she does have feelings for him once she realizes that the two of you are serious, or she could become jealous and try ways to get in between the two of you. Honestly it sounds like that is what she has already done and is doing.

I would talk to him about it, and give it time, but I wouldn't let this go on for too much longer, if within 4-6 months he hasn't made you more of a priority or the priority in his life and basically put this woman in her proper place, you may want to reconsider staying with him. The last thing you want is to stay and things don't change, and next year they are exactly the same. If you don't encourage a change, it's not likely he'll make one.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase

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