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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I'm 30, gay, and have a 35yo ex-boyfriend who has

Customer Question

I'm 30, gay, and have a 35yo ex-boyfriend who has cheated me a few times since the beggining of our 4yr relationship. We've broken up 3 times (currently we're in the middle of the 3rd break-up) because I found out. At one point, we started doing occasional threesomes (at his suggestion, but I do confess I liked it), which I thought would ease his sexual desire and his need to be w/ other people. Well, I found out he still cheated anyway and we broke up for 6 months. We both could not stand it and got back for another year. During that year, he tested positive for HIV, and I stayed beside him. Then I found out he cheated again and ended it. Now after 3 months, he wants to talk and try to get back together "as adults". I've experienced A LOT of pain and am really confused! We love each other SO MUCH, but I cannot stand to think we are going to get back together and he'll do it all over again. Can cheaters honestly change? Even if he's had his chance in the past and didn't lear already?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

Are you HIV positive?

What were his reasonings for cheating?

Why do you think you kept going back to him?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hi and thanks for your interest. Here are your answers:

1- Luckily I am HIV negative, and I know how complicated that might get. I've read a lot about serodiscordant couples. While I think this is a good opportunity to get rid of this "problem" in my life, I don't think I can muster the courage to not go back to him just because of his condition. The love is too big. What I can't handle is the cheating.

2- He claims that I never gave him enough admiration and he never felt I thought he was the man of my life. He always felt insecure beside me, and thought I would leave whenever work transfered me to another country (we live in Brazil, and I do want to have a temporary opportunity elsewhere).

3- I kept going back because I have a naive tendency to always trust and believe in everyone. Even though he always said he would "try" to be monogamous. He never actually affirmed he would actually "be" monogamous. So I can't say he lied when we were discussing a return...but he did lie when I questioned him after we got back together.

Well, hope this helps you out. Feel free to ask more! Thanks again.

I think I'll only be able to see your answer in the evening.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello aof,

Thank you for that additional info. I didn't mean to suggest that you should leave him because of his illness, however, it must be said that his irresponsible behavior put him in this position, and could have put you in the same situation. Although the both of you have made many excuses for his cheating, it doesn't make it right. Even with saying that he would try, all that showed is that he couldn't do it, not for the love he should have felt for you, nor the love you felt for him.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and he has shown you a number of times that he's not interested in changing his behavior. Many times people can change when they are faces with a life changing event, such as a death, a birth or a life threatening illness such as in this case, but if he is not willing in his heart to change then it won't make a difference.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I just feel so miserable about this relationship...

I sometimes wish that since he cant change his ways, that maybe I could change mine. Most of my friends (who also don't cheat) say I shouldnt be so concerned about cheating...I wish I could change my feelings towards being cheated on, but I cant!

What I think is that in the same way I cant change how I feel, then so can't he. And therefore we are destined to be apart, even though it hurts so much to see an otherwise amazing and fantastic relationship end because of ONE SINGLE irreconcilable difference.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Chase. I would kust like to say thank you. Your messages made me think differently than before, and reach some new conclusions. I feel stonger and able to confront this difficult period that is still not over. i WILL get over it!

Know deep in your heart that you have really aided someone all the way down in Brazil, and I wish you well, always!

Best,
Andre
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Brazil is a gorgeous country with even more gorgeous people, physically and spiritually, I hope to one day visit. I'm glad I was able to help, and I know it's not going to be easy, but you are strong, and you deserve so much better, and I know you will find it. The funny thing is when you find that love that's so good to you, and is fulfilling and healing, you turn around and ask yourself 'what was I thinking back then!" lol.

Please feel free to ask for me by name anytime you have a question about anything at all. If I can't help I will be sure to find you someone who can.

Be well

Chase

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