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Theresa
Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
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My Husband is a great guy. But I feel that he does not ...

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My Husband is a great guy. But I feel that he does not stick up for me like a husband should. He has never dated before. So he really does not know how. His parents stilled treated us like kids instead of living our own lifes. They need to be the parents still. He is the oldest child and he has other brother who is not dating at all. We fight about he should see my side and not every else side. what should I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

Hi Linda,

I f you can tell me how old the two of you are and how long you have been married, I will be able to provide you with a more complete answer.

Also, when you state that your husband doesn't stick up for you like he should... Could you provide a specific example for me...?

And, explain how his parents treat you like a child and what you mean specifically when you say that your husband takes everyones side but yours!

We will get you through this!

Looking forward to your response.

Terri

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm 32 years old and Husband is 32 years old. I been married 2 years. When his mother and father come over to the house and take right over like She will bring her own drinks and food and his father would not like how I do things and his way is always better. My husband would go over to his parents house without me and agree on what ever they say about me and instead of me being their to say How I really am.
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

Hi Linda:

Thank you for the information. It will allow me to provide your answer without skipping a beat! Smile

You and your husband are both 32 years of age. I would say that this is definitely an age that one would be considered an adult! I use the word considered because the information that you have given indicates that while your husband and you (Remember, I don't know either of you and I am therefore unbiased! Wink Even Steven here!) are of the legal age to be considered an adult, either one of you or both of you do not demonstrate the skills that are a very important and a responsible part to maintaining a healthy relationship.

On the bright side, the fact that you are attempting to understand the problem so that resolution can be achieved demonstrates that you are concerned and value your marriage. I am glad that you have taken this step now as you are still newly weds to a degree. The quicker that a problem is resolved aids in preventing persons from becoming bitter and having regrets.

Regarding his parents visiting your home and taking over shows more than one area of concern from the information that you have provided. As far as them bringing their own food and drink, this could be a simple act on their behalf to not take advantage of you and your husband by expecting you to pay for their food if they visit frequently. They truly may see this as a way of helping you by not taking money from you.

Your father in law not appreciating the way that you do things is a totally different concern. When anyone enters another persons home they should be gracious for the hospitality that is offered to them regardless of whether or not they do things alike. Not being gracious to your host shows that respect is n part of the relationship.

I am going to suggest that you sit down with your husband and gently, but in total honesty, explain to him how this makes you feel. This is his father and mother and he is the one that needs to address the situation with them. If he chooses not to then I am willing to bet that he is a selfish and self-centered or in the course of his developmental years his family of origin lived in an environment that is called enmeshed.

Families that are enmeshed usually have difficulties all of their life, unless they partner with someone from a similar background. This prevents them from seeing the problem. The term enmeshed means that the family has not engaged in respecting appropriate boundaries.

This may help you understand better:

Imagine or draw a large circle on a sheet of paper. We could call it the Milky Way Galaxy if we were discussing astronomy.

Now that we have a galaxy we need to fill the circle with 9 small circles. We will call these the planets!

We are not forgetting the stars; however, we will now shift focus. Remove the original name we gave our circle. Change it from The Milky Way Galaxy to Our Family. The circle that we are now calling our family, presently has 2 major planets in it. If you will draw 2 circles inside the system we our now calling Our Family, we can continue!

At the top of these circles and remaining inside, we will call one planet Linda and we will call the other one by the name of your husband. These two planets are actually the two major components of your family system. Just like the stars, we will not forget the parents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, nieces, etc. (The entire family) We will discuss this later though....

We are going to finish up in a moment with your family system before moving on though. Take a look at your family system... You should see one large circle and two small circles in this. It is kind of like viewing a slice of pie that has been cut... You may have 6 pieces, but only one pie!

Though you are married and this is your family system, the reason that you have two circles in it is because each of you should still be able to maintain your sense of self while sharing in this relationship. Get out the pen... Yes, draw another circle just under your personal circles... Place both of your names in this and call it Intimacy... You can see that while you have one family system with two people in it they really make up additional systems.

When the two of you begin to have your own children you will add another circle with both of your names in it and call it Parents... You will add a circle for every child that you have for they will represent their own system... And, like you and your husband, they will make up different systems in the family... The primary system being called Siblings. This system shows the activities and relationship that brothers and sisters share in this small system.

Notice that each of these systems reside with each other in peace as they freely float around. When the bubbles bump into one another problems arise because the bumping person has invaded the boundaries of another. When a resolution to the problem is reached, they continue living together in peace.

If by chance you are wondering what happened to the rest of the family... Depending on the number of individuals that are in your family, you will begin drawing a little circle on the outside line of your family system...

They should never enter your family system... They should always stay outside to respect your boundaries... They are not a part of your system, they are now called extended family members.

If you want to add all of your friends, ministers, school teachers, etc. to your drawing put them way out in the galaxy. They are called social relationships.

Returning to your original concern: Does your husband just take off to visit his parents or does he invite you and you may not enjoy going. have you refused to go before and maybe more than once... If so, he may think that you aren't interested and has quit asking you to go with him.

Also, when he agrees with everything his parents say is he doing this to prevent him self from arguing with them or is it done out of him not having respect for you. As in the other concern, you will need to sit down and talk with him to better understand his motive.

I am also going to suggest that before you do this take a time to yourself 30 minutes or so and think on your self. Ask yourself the following questions to see if it is all your husband or f you might be responsible for this too!

1. Am I possibly jealous of the relationship between my husband and his parents?

2. Is their relationship happier than the one I shared with mine?

3. If I am jealous what is my reason?

4. Am I being selfish in that I want my husband to myself and would prefer him to forget his family system of origin?

The resolution to your problem will have to be found within you and him. I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX the information and thoughts I have provided for you will help you reach this in an easier way!

Take care,

Terri

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Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience: PhD. Clinical Psychology
Theresa and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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