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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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hi my husband and i just recently got a blow to our

Customer Question

my husband &got a blow to our relationship. he went to see a lady friend of ours&her husband but he wasnt home. he started asking her personal questions, which the lady thought was 2invasive on her privacy eventhough she opened up to him about her relationship with her husband. anyway he made some promises to her which the lady misunderstood for advances&she started making serious advances on my husband. it didnt stop there. two days after they spoke on the phone and then one day they spoke for 2 hrs ,my husband stayed outside in the nite and spoke with her for that long and the lady went on complaining about her husband, how he beats her, how she feels insecure and my husband kept ressuring her that she is beautiful. the following day he called them because he was supposed to meet with her husband but she said she will meet him and went to walmart to meet him& then tried to kiss him but now the lady said they were kissing. but he says they didn't!wat do i believe?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

These are people you have been friends with or do business with?

How long have you known them? Are you friends with her too?

What promises did he make to her?

Why would he stand outside and talk to her as opposed to in the house/in front of you?

Why was he supposed to meet the husband?

How long have you and your husband been together?

How old are the two of you?

Has either of you ever cheated?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

no none of us has ever cheated, he says some things to women in front of me , women he thinks have low self esteem issues, he says some things to make them feel better like your beautiful, dont let anyone tell u otherwise or says something to them like wow i just feel like flirting now. he talks too much. when we leave the scene i call him up on it then he might call the person to apologize to tell them he didnt mean to give them the wrong signal.

the promise he made to her which wasnt really a promise was about her buisness that she should call the number of the person that made our buisness cards and that money is not an issue.

 

No none of us has ever cheated. yes im friends with them . i know her husbadn more, the lady used to prostitute and used to be a go go dancer.

 

i guess the day he talked to her on the phone was 4 days after he had gone there and met only her and maybe he wanted to find out if she had told her husband he came cuz he(my husband) said he wanted to tell her husbadn the things she had been telling him.

that particular nite he went to talk to her he was so restless, sad and unneasy, i came out to check on him through the window but at that time it was too dark for me to see if he was on the phone or not. the following morning he went out and called me telling me he is still not happy and he really doesnt know why.

 

now he feels he has a problem cuz he seem to be attracting the wrong female crowd. and he has been so depressed.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

Let me ask you a couple more questions

The women he says things to in front of you, are these strangers, or women he knows?

You said the following morning he called you and told you he wasn't happy, what was he talking about?

What is he depressed about?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

women we both know. he was talking about just not being bold anymore, he used to be a bold person but he isnt anymore.

this paticular day he lied to me and told me he was going outside to pray but spent it talkin to this lady for 2hrs but before he talked to her he was really down, and i kept asking him what was wrong.the following day he told me he was dealing with depression. he recently told me after this case came out that he wanted to tell me he had gone to the couples houses but he didnt want me to go off on how he shouldnt have been there alone since the lady is loose. although the day he came back, i think i remember asking if he went to the couples house and he said yes but said the guy wasnt there but didnt make a comment to the lady being there cuz he had planned with her husband to go to uhaul so the man can help bring us chairs but he wasnt home.

the story is very complicated.

actually the day before we met with the couple at church and i was there when my husband told them he was coming over but maybe his wife saw it as he was coming to see her, i dont know. cuz the couples story keeps changing one minute they sayd my husband told them he will be there by 12 but showed up by 10:30am next min they are saying he called to find out when the husband will be at school then just showed up. but what he told the man was 10-12 and what he told the lady was 12 but came around 10:30-11.

he had wanted to stay but the lady said for him to go that her husabd will kill her which he didnt understnad why. then the husband is saying he heard everything but c then can't say one thing the wife said to my husband only what my husband said to his wife. the next minute he is calling my husband to find out what his wife said to him

 

just a bunch of lies and i wish my husband didnt get tngled in all of this cuz the girl is not someone to trust.

the girl said my husband pecked on the lips when he came over then changed it to say they were kissing at walmart but my husband told me when he met her t walmart she was the one that called him and tried to kiss him.and he went there thinking she was going to apologize and beg her not to tell her husband cuz they had just talked the night before for 2hours. and my husband and her husband was supposed to meet but he didnt come since his wife had told him my husband asked her personal questions. she told her husband my husband was too invasive on her privacy but told me my husband made a pass at her.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi u never responded to me
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

I apologize, I had not seen your response. Has anything happened since the last time we spoke that you want to tell me about?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

women we both know. he was talking about just not being bold anymore, he used to be a bold person but he isnt anymore.

this paticular day he lied to me and told me he was going outside to pray but spent it talkin to this lady for 2hrs but before he talked to her he was really down, and i kept asking him what was wrong.the following day he told me he was dealing with depression. he recently told me after this case came out that he wanted to tell me he had gone to the couples houses but he didnt want me to go off on how he shouldnt have been there alone since the lady is loose. although the day he came back, i think i remember asking if he went to the couples house and he said yes but said the guy wasnt there but didnt make a comment to the lady being there cuz he had planned with her husband to go to uhaul so the man can help bring us chairs but he wasnt home.

the story is very complicated.

actually the day before we met with the couple at church and i was there when my husband told them he was coming over but maybe his wife saw it as he was coming to see her, i dont know. cuz the couples story keeps changing one minute they sayd my husband told them he will be there by 12 but showed up by 10:30am next min they are saying he called to find out when the husband will be at school then just showed up. but what he told the man was 10-12 and what he told the lady was 12 but came around 10:30-11.

he had wanted to stay but the lady said for him to go that her husabd will kill her which he didnt understnad why. then the husband is saying he heard everything but c then can't say one thing the wife said to my husband only what my husband said to his wife. the next minute he is calling my husband to find out what his wife said to him

 

just a bunch of lies and i wish my husband didnt get tngled in all of this cuz the girl is not someone to trust.

the girl said my husband pecked on the lips when he came over then changed it to say they were kissing at walmart but my husband told me when he met her t walmart she was the one that called him and tried to kiss him.and he went there thinking she was going to apologize and beg her not to tell her husband cuz they had just talked the night before for 2hours. and my husband and her husband was supposed to meet but he didnt come since his wife had told him my husband asked her personal questions. she told her husband my husband was too invasive on her privacy but told me my husband made a pass at h

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

That was the same info, I was wondering if anything had happened since you posted that. At any rate, one of my problems with what you've been saying is that he lied to you more than once. He told you he was going outside to pray (who lies about praying? thats pretty bad)...if he lied to you about that, how can you know if he is lying about everything else. Regardless of anything else, if he went there and that man wasn't home he should have left, period. Not stay there with that man's wife, it just opened a can of worms. Even sitting on the phone with this lady is unacceptable, I don't care what kind of problems she has, those are her problems, if she needs to talk, she should talk to here friends or family, not your husband. He's already shown you that he is willing to lie to you about her. he needs to be set straight about it and cut any and all ties with her immediately before things get even more out of hand. If he has to go to their house, then you need to go with him.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

yes thanks but do you consider this cheating? no he doesnt communicate with her anymoe at all especially after the big blow up. he says he wanted to tell me but didnt know how but he really wnted to tell her husband which she threatened him and said if she told him she will kill him. i will give u more information on it. but she is saying he pecked her on the mouth then changed it to to that they were kissing but my husband said she asked him to sing to her,he did but it wasnt the love song she wanted but in the middle of the song she bent over at him in her and tried kissing him. that particular day when this happened eventhough he didnt tell me wat had

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I consider it lying. He lied to you about going outside to pray. His story has changed a number of times. Why is the world would he sing to someone else's wife? He spent time over that house and he should not have, he talked on the phone with her for two hours and should not have. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is he needs to learn how to talk to you and let you know what's going on in his head. Additionally, he shouldn't not put himself in a position where he would do anything that he wouldn't do if you were standing right there.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

happened.he told me that he didnt feel like coming home. cuz after he went to her house and the husband wasn't there,he talked to he on the phone a couple of times then called he the day they talked for 2hrs on the phone with her complaining about her husband and he sex life and asking him to come over her house the following day he calls to talk to the husband cuz they were supposed to meet somewhere the wife says the husband couldnt come so she asks my husband to meet with her at walmart he does,.thinking she will tell him sorry and not to tell her husband all the things she said but she went on and asked him to sing for her and in the middle of the song tried to kiss him. he told me he is not slightly attracted to her at all but i dont know what to believe. they dont communicate anymoe cuz the whole thing got out of hand the husband accused my husband at trying to steal his wife eventhough he says he cant trust his wife based on her track record so we dont communicate with them anymore.

 

 

the problem i have with my husband is that she was the one that told me and not him and when i asked him he said he will explain because she came to a public place(church) to tell me and he was outside and when she saw him she said something like i didnt know he was coming. when the lady decided to tell me this whole incident im telling u about happened in just one week and after that week my husband was not communicating with them but she called once when we were together and told him that this was her new number but at that time she had not met me to tell me about this so called affair till she felt like maybe my husband had told me something since he was no longer communicating with her so she deicded to come open and tell me except she made it seem as though my husband came after her and she said things like i shouldnt trust him, he is fake etc. i know my husband says alot of things that put him in compromising situations and when we come home i tell him he shouldnt have. but he is a sweet talker and alot of the stuff he says he forgets and that is a major issue we have. like he promised to help her out with her buisness,she took that as making a pass because she said no man wants to do something for he without wanting something back in return and with her history of being a prostitute it doesnt help.

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

on top of it all he knows how i have been having my intutions so every chance he gets he defends her until the lady told me her version of the story and when i asked him he started opening up and telling me that he knows he shouldnt have stayed there etc and tat he knows he shouldnt have called her but that particular week he still defended her if i complained about her. he even said someting against the way the husband treats his wife but of course i didnt know he had been there at their house that long or that she told him.i kinow he mentioned to me that week that she complains that her husband works nite and that she gets scared but i didnt take it as anything. but he always like to act like the knight in shinning armour to ladies. i dont know why.

and my big issue with him is if the lady didnt come out to tell me would he have. he said he would because he tried telling me about this ,in the nite but i was too tired. he told me we needed to talk a night befoe the lady came and started talking about how my husband was after her and making passes. that nite he tlaked to ehr on the phone. he came in at 2am and the following day was when he met her at walmart. but that morning he called me to pray for him that he feels like his life is upside down that he is depessed, but he made the lady in the afternoon, she called him and said she will tell her husband she is going to the library and will come and meet my husband. they met

that same day he went to their house cuz her husband called and said his wife told him he came over but my husband refused to tell him and that the day my husband was at the house he was outside listening to them etc so howcome my husband didnt tell him he came so my husband apologized and said he thought his wife will tell him so when he went over the husband held my husbands hands to pray while the wife was touching him during prayer with her mouth open trying to seduce him.

the following day we went to their house cuz they invited us for dinner but i wasn comfortable just something in my spirit made me depressed when i went over there but my husband said he wanted me to go with him cuz her husband had said we dont like coming over their house anymoe so we went and this was the day after the walmat incident. the following day they talked on the phone again and tha was the last day my husband called her but she called him after wards but my husband was no more entertainin her calls then the end of the week she said she needed to tell me something . i guess its cuz my husband stopped paying her attention, i dont know.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he says the song he sang wasnt a love song but a different song which she didnt like then she rubbed his head and said he didnt pass the test.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

my problem with all of this is how to trust him again and if this is considered emotional cheating. she asked him lots of nasty questions like do i like sex,does he like sex. he said everything for her was sexual. he says if i dont trust him that we can go and do a lie detector test and im leaning towards that cuz i would hate to think he cheated emotionally on me. it makes me really vulnerable.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

If a lie detector would make you feel better then fine. The truth is, you already know he lied about some of these things, and you know he stepped out of the boundaries of trust for your marriage and he simply has to learn not to do it again. Women's intuition is the best lie detector you can have, and if something seems like it's wrong it usually is. The key is, he should not do or say anything to another woman that he wouldn't say if you were standing right there. If he wouldn't say or do it with you standing right there, then he shouldn't say or do it at all.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
ok but how do u interpret things like when he cried and said he feels like he broke our vows and that he doesnt know how to look at my son or me again. so im wondering what exactly he did that he is not telling me. i dont mean sexually but things he might have said that may have led the lady to think he was pursuing her or even the kiss he said he didnt do. this thing happened on a monday he was supposed to go and get me a gift for being a wonderful wife etc, he had appreciated me on a saturday then said he will go to the store to get me a gift , i was there on sunday when he told the couple he will come to the house cuz he needed help with the man helping him with the uhaul. well he went there and didnt get the man cuz he was out but he waited for him and thats when he and the lady got in to the discussions. the lady claims he called her to say they needed to talk but she wasnt comfotable so she told her husband to stay home, she said first her husband was inside the house then changed the story and said her husband was outside the house and he parked his car somewhere else and that he told her to engage my husband in conversation to see what he wanted from her but this is a lie. what i think happened was the man came home so my husbands car and was probably upset his wife let my husband in considering his wifes history so went and hid and when he asked his wife what my husband was doing there i guess she had to make up some kind of story to him. meanwhile in the convesation she made my husband promise not to divulge any of the info she was telling him ,like stating that she doesnt think the kids are her husbands and that she has had other guy friends in the past and how she wants to do my husbands eye brows and telling my husband to give her the candy from his mouth and telling him to sing for her and to write love letters cuz her husband doesnt and how i am lucky to have him. anyway that week like tue and wed they talked on the phone for few mins cuz i have the phone bill. then on friday we saw her cuz we had a ladies meeting at church, friday in the day time there were calls between both of htem back and forth which my husband initiated i believe then friday nite was when they spent 2hrs on the phone but before he called her he was misrable that nite, i dont know why and depressed so that was when he said he was going to pray which he didnt. then saturday he was supposed to meet with the husband but he didnt show up cuz according to the man he was upset my husband came there but hadnt told him and his wife and told her husband that my husband was asking if she was satisfied with him based on the conversation they had but she says my husband asked her if she is satisfied with her husband sexually so she felt he privacy was invaded that same day my husband comes home and says he wnats us to go to their house but im confused cuzi thought he had gone there already and hadnt seen anyone so why are going again but he says he wants me to go with him when he goes to a ladies house so we went after much argument but we stayed only 5 mins, anyway she called back and asked where he was so they could meet that she wanted to see him so eh agreed and he went to walmat and got into her car cuz he said he didnt want her to say he tried to do anything to her and she couldnt get out of the car. "so she said do u know why i called u here" so he said no and she said for u to sing for me so he sang a church song and in the middle of it she tried to kiss him but told him he didnt pass the test, then he left her cuz her husband called to see whee she was. then he called the husband to ask again why he didnt come for what they planned. meanwhile my husband came home restless and i kept asking him what was wrong and he refused to tell me so he went out again to their house and met with both of them and apologized for staying at the house even after he wasnt at home and told them not to tell me cuz i would be really upset with him cuz i have warned him about this befoe&explained the kind of person he is .at the end they decided to pray and in the middle of pray while her husband was praying she opened her eyes and was stroking my husbands arms and making different seductive faces. he came home and told me they want to come to our house or we go to theirs and i really didnt want to but he said they feel bad we dont hang out anymoe so went but something didnt feel right at all, she wore something seductive but my husband efused to look at her and turned towards me the whole time. the following day i and her was supposed to meet up for a ladies meeting and my husband wanted to come. it makes mete wonder if he was trying to see her or what but we argued so he stayed home and called her on the phone at different intervals and she called him back but at that time i didnt know it was him she was talking to so im wonderin if he felt so depressed from all of this why he still called her on monday and it seems as if he talked to her more than he did me btu that was the last major call they had. i was there the day she called him nad said whatever she said but he stopped returning her calls(i know all this information abut the phone cuz of the phone bill) he asked me once if they still bring the bill to our house.
a week later since he had stopped communicating with her i guess she felt he had told me something and had to come out and tell me. we were suposed to have anotehr ladies meeting where she was supposed to act a skit about being a good wife/lady. we saw in church in the morning,nothing seem off but then her husband called in the afternoon to say she cant come and that we all need to sit down and talk so i said no she needs to come but my huband said if she doesnt want to come i should allow her. the day before that though there was something he said he wanted to tell me at nite which i told him not to yet cuz i was tired. anyway my husband drives me to the ladies meeting and she is not expecting to see him there so she said she will tell me what it is if he leaves but my husband said he doesnt care what she says as long as she says it infront of him but she refused
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
and told me ur husband has been making passes at me and i said its okay dont worry. she said dont u want to know what he told me , then she said i didnt expect to see him here pls tell him to leave from the parking lot then i will tell u. so i went to the car and asked my husband he just said he hd a lot to tell me and that the girl is a very bad girl but this was a girl he had been defending even up until last week.so i told my husband wat she said he said it was a lie and said lets go to her car cuz she was about to drive off when we went to her car and my husband repeated what i said, he said pls tell my wife the truth. she yelled i knew this would happen , get out of my car now. and drove off cursing. then her husbadn calls ot say they are on their way but i refused to see them cuz of the way the wife acted so the next morning he called asking my husband all his wife told my husband so my husband said howcome u said u heard everything he said but u didnt hear what ur wife said.
meanwhile that nite ,my husband knelt down crying hysterically and asking me to forgive him and said he didnt know i will eb this strong about it and tat he broke his vows and he feels as though he committed adultrey. he said anyway it was the way i handled it that broke him cuz he didnt expect me to be so understanding that if i acted differently he wouldnt have cried. but he threatned to kill himself and said i didnt deserve this.
then his wife called my husband on the phone telling him she was going to fix everything and that he shouldnt worry but my husband said it was already too late
then she went on to tell he husband about walmart and my husband didnt mention walmart to me from the previous day he claims he forgot but she goes on to say that they kissed at walmart

so im so confused . i think why she opened up this much was cuz she felt my husband had told me something since he had stopped calling to speak with her so she needed to say somthing first
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

so after hearing all this it sounded like a mutual relationshib between both of them behind my back but my husband says its not and every time i mention it was he gets moody but the lady later admitted to her huband twas my husband came after her,brain washed her and all she could think about was my husband like i told u before she called him fake and i should never trust him.this whole thing went to the point we had to file charges cuz the lady said she will sue my husband for sexual molestation when she saw it got out of hand but we filed charges cuz the husband threatned to murder my husband. anyway usually my husband is always defending her everytime something happens between her and her huband and says she always tells the truth so im wondering now why he is saying she is lying. she also wanted to meet with me one on one but the yelling got so much we never met but my husband wanted to meet with her husband and tell him things she told him not to tell anyone so he can know first hand but she called and said her husband wont meet with mmine.

i just dont know what to believe yes i know he lied but im wondering if this was a relationship. after all this i asked my husband what i did wrong he said nothing then i asked him was he attracted to her he said no so im confused, he said he was suprised at things she said and enjoyed the idle talk eventhough it was no relevance to him , he said he felt like he was under a spell. but im wondering why he waited for the lady to be the first to tell me and if she didnt if this would have continued

he told me to tell her i have the recording of all the conversation they had so she can be honest but she didnt tell me that and the day she complained she just complained about my husband asking her personal questions about her family which she didnt think was right but she didnt mention him kissing her etc that was what she told her husband that he now told me.

out of all of this my husband doesnt seem to realize i need time to heal and makes it seem like nothin happened as if im making a big deal out of nothing.

 

i will pay u i just need ur constant feedback

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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