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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hello, I am curious about a situation that has me confused.

Customer Reply

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello, I am curious about a situation that has me confused. I have continued to be friends with a married woman that my friends and family have advised me to back off from. However this person is so kind to me and is someone I care for very much. She welcomes my company with or without her husband. She really lights up around me and wants to listen to everything I have to say. I love her secretly and I am scared to let her know that. I have grown to love her so much. I have a reputation for being a kind person, so how do I try to be with someone I love when the situation is not easy for everyone involed? We are fast becomeing good friends and at this rate something will happen(I wish) but how can I be careful enough to let it happen organicly so that everyone involed is ok with it. Is it possible for there to be a "fairy tale happy" resolution for all. I am so confused and I just want to know if there is a possible path to making this work for her and I?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello 09,

So have you continued to be around her and her husband since we last spoke a few weeks ago?

What are your feelings about anything you do being the cause of ruining her marriage?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello Ms Chase,

How have you been? I hope things are well for you. Yes, I have seen them again. We all have fun hanging out together. The other day we grilled and watched a movie and hung out talking till midnight. Today I spent a lot of time with her talking at her apartment. I like her very much and she enjoys my company. The dilemma is that she and I have seemed to develop a secret attraction that we dance around. We are gentle people. We do not want to make things complicated for anyone. I don’t like the idea of ruining anyone ones marriage, I have been lead to believe that their problems started before they knew me. They are potentially separating due to financial disagreements. This is something I cannot help them with. I am guilty in my hopes that I wish her to be my wife. I want to think that it is ok for people to pursue happiness. I do not want to be the bad guy in this situation. How can I make this work so that it is ok? Can she and I realistically make it possible for us to be together? I have lost a woman I loved to someone else when I was younger and it hurt a lot. Good came out of it because I became more determined to be successful and dropped many bad habits I had. I have completely quit drinking and have been completely sober for 4 years and am fully committed to that for the rest of my life (best choice I ever made). So I do not want be unfair to anyone. But it is clear to me that she has matured faster than her husband has and she is attracted to the self discipline that I exhibit. How can we make this work, because I know marriage is to be taken seriously? It is not easy for anyone I know.
Your determined questionnaire, Customer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello again, I have been well, thank you for asking. I hope that you have been well. I see that you are still struggling with the same issue and have not really done what we had decided on. My thoughts are that you are in love with her (obviously) and are not entertaining the thought of being away from her. I told you what I thought you should do, what I thought was right, but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is I don't have to live your life.

If you have lost someone to someone else then you have an idea of what her husband might feel. My biggest concern is that you are spending time with her husband as well, I think that is a very bad thing to do. Even if they split up because of their own problems, if he ever finds out that the two of you are involved, he will never believe that you weren't backstabbing him the whole time. If nothing else, stay away from him, even if you are still communicating with her.

Something tells me that you want someone to tell you it's ok to move forward, express your love for her and come what may, but I still don't believe that you should come between the two of them. If they split up, thats one thing, but you telling her how you could feel is influencing her and could be what pushes the marriage over the edge.

I'm proud of you for staying sober and for dropping your bad habits. Maybe you can give her (and him) a little more time to figure out what they want to do. I thought that's what we had agreed to do, give them more time and see how it went. If it's impossible for you to do that, then maybe you should go ahead and tell her how you feel and let the chips all where they may. There's just no guarantee that no one will get hurt, including you. There's is also no guarantee of a fairy tail ending, there rarely is in real life. We can only hope to find someone that has the same goals in life and loves you like you need to be loved.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hey Ms Chase,
Thank you for responding. It is good to hear you are doing well. I am doing well also aside from this persistent issue. It is not my intension to disappoint you. Love is a stubborn force, right (LOL)? I am trying to stay friends and let their issues play out. I have run into them unexpectedly in public sometimes and then we make plans. Today it was my move to spend time with just her even though the day before we all hung out all day. The funny thing about her husband is that we do have a lot in common. I can rationalize the situation to think that he would mutually want to leave her, but I know that this is not true. I do not want to see anyone hurt. I do not know how he would handle it. I know I am durable, I think the risk of true love is worth the pain. I have picked myself up from hard times before. She is a special woman and any man would be fortunate to be with such a companion. She does spend a lot of time alone because she works during the day and he works at night. Today was the first time that she implied that we go out together just her and I. Also she invited me to her church, which I thought was so cool. I can see your point about not spending any more time with him. I think she wants to see me without him, but has been careful not to be obvious. There is that chance they will work things out and that they are going through a phase. I wonder what it would be like to get a girlfriend and double date with them. Sounds strange to me but it would appear normal. Anyway, my dad says at the most contact them once month to do something socially (if I don't want to give up), I can try my best to make that work. I know that if they call or I see them I would want to hang out. I love her very much, it is wise for me to be carefully patient. It is worth it for me to do that. In the meantime I will continue to make work and everything else in my life go as well as possible. I truly hope that there is a possible path to the outcome I desire. I am prepared if that does not happen. Even though you do not want encourage me, I understand, but please continue to share any clever ideas you may have though. Your feedback is very helpful for me to put this all into perspective.
I look forward to your response, Customer
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

Hello:

Ms. Chase will be with you shortly. I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX she has given you very sound and correct advice regarding you dilemma.

I also want to let you know that I am not trying to invade your conversation. As an expert in JA relationship category it is not uncommon for us to view one another's work to learn and to offer support for times occur that each of us can see different things than the other.

This is why I have entered. While reading through all of your posts with MS. Chase there are a couple things that I believe you might want to consider and address them with Ms. Chase when she returns or when you have finished them.

While she has provided sound advice for you it appears as though you are somewhat stuck, in that you still have a need for someone to give you approval to engage in something that is morally unacceptable to you. If you thought that it was alright you would not be experiencing a struggle as you are, you would jump in and do it.

These are the things you may need to consider while looking for the answer to your question.

1. You state that she has invited you to church with her...How many churches do you know of that condone adultery?

2. You state that she is virtually an angel...What would you think of a woman that would flaunt a potential lover in front of her church family and bring embarrassment to her husband?

3. I have not seen one area that she has pursued you at all with reference to a romance.

You did state Today was the first time that she implied . Is it possible that you misinterpreted this? Implications are easily heard in a different voice by everyone that hears them.

I think she wants to see me without him, but has been careful not to be obvious.

Note that you have used the work think... Are you aware that the mind is so powerful that in situations such as yours...The desire that you have for this woman can allow you to see, think and hear things that are not there at all?

You've also indicated that you don't believe that her husband really likes you...Perhaps, he and his wife have been kind to you but your persistence to be with them has brought him to the point of disgust for his patience and tolerance are exhausted.

What size chains is her husband holding her down with...You state that she has hinted, indicated, etc. that she is not happy and wants to leave. Being that she is still with him I am led to believe that he must have her chained up and locked in a closet. If you say that this is not true then I would ask you what is keeping her there?

I so agree with Ms. Chase that for you to conquer an addiction is wonderful...Did you learn while you were in treatment that there are many forms of addiction and have you asked your self if what you are experiencing may be another addiction...It really sounds like it is to me.

And if it is and you win the lady away from her husband, the day will come that she resents and eventually hates you for even if she is unhappy no one, and I mean no one can leave one relationship and enter another successfully without first processing it. This process takes from 3 to 5 years.

With this if she's unhappy and joins you it will only be because she will view you as her savior...After she has processed her feelings reality will set in and when she begins to resent you for encouraging her to leave you will have a very different picture of the Angel.

Yes, do discuss these things with Miss Chase!

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello Theresa,
I appreciate your concern in reviewing my situation. It is true I am looking for approval and I need to respect the advice of my friends, family and Ms Chase’s efforts to guide me through this. Ms Chase has been wonderful to engage in this situation with me, it helps to talk with someone outside my friends and family. I am very good friends with the couple I have referred to, we are on good terms. I became friends with her first and later I have become friends with her husband recently. He and I actually have a lot in common and the other day we did have a good time hanging out together. I do not want to be a back stabber that does make this situation difficult. I actually did not need treatment to quit drinking, religion helped me with that. She and I are devoted Christians so the idea of committing adultery is a not something I think we are prepared or want to do at all. She and I are both attractive people, so I do think it is natural to have feelings. I know she really likes me, what you said REALLY hit the nail on the head about me encouraging an escape plan for her and that she might perceive me as her “savoir”. That is not the type of relationship I want to promote. I was once in an 8 year long relationship and it was the best time of my life. I look forward to having that experience again. I personally have worked very hard, so I do feel I deserve to be in a healthy and sustainable relationship. From seeing it happen to my friends, rebound relationships never last. I myself did take time to encourage and process my individual identity and I have matured and become successful. I know my ex girlfriend rushed into a relationship after we split and unfortunately it has not been good for her. I am saddened by this because I wish her to be happy. My sister and mother have set me up with someone who is single and this woman has taken a liking to me. They encourage me to continue to date her. In my efforts to explore my options I do know what needs to be done. Even if they split up I still should not rush right in. It is important to leave someone and sustain yourself on your own before exploring another serious relationship. I would like to be a supportive friend and not a rebound figure. I thank you again for your concern and I look forward to communicating further with Ms Chase.
Sincerely, Customer
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

You are so very welcome and if you need to talk before Ms. Chase returns, I will be glad to help you. I see that it has been some time since your last communication...Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and you can talk if you need to...

I was so concerned when I read and saw this...You said that you had been hurt before and I just thought...pop yourself in Terri...The man has been through a lot already...While you have also shared a few victories (alcohol) and a big one...I would not want to see you hurt again.

Take Care,

Terri

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Terri,
No worries. Even though it was hard to leave an 8 year relationship, it helped me move into such a better direction with my life. The married woman I am interested in is such an awesome person and I care for her deeply, but I know that to go rescue someone who needs to learn how to do it on their own, would not be beneficial for me down the road. That is something no one I have spoken to has touched on. Your insight is true and I can relate to it because the relationship I am interested in is one that will last. My faith in trusting god with my life is strong, and I pray for her to be happy. My hope is that in reaching out to others, what is pertinent to my life will present itself.
Thank you again, Customer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

I apologize for getting back to you so late, I had a family emergency.

It seems that Terri took the words right out of my mouth, you are torn between doing what you want and doing what is right, and your emotions are so precarious right now that it would only take a little bit of encouragement for you to feel you have permission to "take it to the next level" so to speak. You seem to me to have gotten to a point in your life where you are proud of your accomplishments, and are comfortable with the life you have made for yourself, and you should be. The only thing that could complete it is to have someone to share it with. You see this woman and she completes something in you, but yet she is not single. You've said that you've been hurt, you said that you like him and wouldn't want to hurt him and that you wont commit adultery, but yet this still plagues you. Thats what love does, it makes you look at something that's totally wrong and be ok with it, "if lovin you is wrong, I don't wanna be right", we're not the same person and we do and say things we wouldn't normally, we're more accepting and patient with someone we're in love with. The problem is, other people, innocent people are involved, and someone always gets hurt.

If it's unbearable then at least follow your dad's idea of no more than once a month and see how it goes. No meeting alone, no long phone calls, and try to wean off of once a month after a while. If her marriage is going to last then it will and if it isn't then she makes the choice to leave because she can't be with him, not because of the excitement and newness of another person. Pray for her to be happy and maybe hope one day it will be with you. It's not impossible, just not very fair to her husband.

I would like to know what you think

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello Ms Chase,
No apology necessary, I hope everything is ok with your family. It is very good to hear back from you. Thank you so much for what you have just said, it really sounds like you do understand what it is like for me. I know for myself it is hard to give advice when I do not know the whole story and when there are so many variables involved. I do want to love her and at the same time I want to respect everyone involved. This woman is so special to me that if I were to have a relationship with her I would want it to be one that would last. Terri was right that rebound relationships most likely do not work out well, that it takes time to leave someone and then to be ready for another serious relationship. I myself have not been witness to a rebound relationship that ever worked out well down the road. Thank you for letting me explore my options. I hope your family is ok. My family will be visiting me next weekend and I am looking forward to it. I do hope for the best and I will pray for her to be happy. Have a good evening.

Thank you, Customer
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

Hello:

Your question continues to show as open. Is there something else that I can help you with?

If not, let me know ...

Hope that when you receive this message that you are having a wonderful day!

Terri

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hi again :)

Everything is well, you know how it goes. It's good to hear back from you as well. I do strive to put myself in your position and understand where you're coming from, because that is what will enable me to give you the best response, of course in my opinion. There are many variables, but there's always a botXXXXX XXXXXne. Of course I can only know the information you allow me to know, and my answers are always based on what you tell me.

Love is not always an easy road, sometimes it cuts like a knife and turns into the most exquisite pain. Yet we accept it willingly because even at it's worst, nothing is better than love. If you get a chance, I want you to pick up a book called The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran and read what he has to say about love. You can read it here.

I can tell that you feel a strong love for her, its just not an appropriate time to express it. I don't think that love makes the right choices all the time and since we cannot control who we love (love chooses us), it can sometimes lead to a uncomfortable situation. We have to remember that although we have been chosen by love, it is up to us to do what is right.

Rebound relationships rarely work out because we are usually just looking for a band aide and at the moment of pain it doesn't matter who or what that band aid is. It not until the pain starts to go away that we look up at what we used as a band aid and go "what was I thinking?!?" It's not that it's impossible for it to work out, it's just that it usually doesn't.

As I told you before, I am always here, so if you want to talk, you know what to do, just post..if you like, you can ask for me by putting my name in the subject line and I will be right with you. Please do have a good time with your family visit, maybe it will help you keep your mind off of things for a little while. Try to keep your contact with her to a minimum and let things progress naturally. She has a lot of decisions to make, but she needs to make them because she wants to, not because she thinks something better might be over the next hill.

Keep me updated. Talk to you soon

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Ms Chase,
I chose to accept the answer here in the reply box. I hope the $9 payment went to you, Thank you for your time. I will let you know how things go. I saw there was also an accepting button under the response answer. I hope that the accept button in the reply box can close out the question. Thanks again for your help.
Sincerely, Customer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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