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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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my girlfriend and i dated for 6 months, and then

Customer Reply

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
"my girlfriend and i dated for 6 months, and then she broke up with me without explanation.

during those 6 months, we had regular sex. she never complained, never asked for more, never asked for anything different, and always had an orgasm.

however, during these 6 months, neither of us ever performed oral sex on the other. she was a pretty wild girl in life in general, but our sex life was just normal, nothing out of the ordinary.

the one thing she would tell me is that ''you never make noise during sex'' and then would say ''we''ll get it out of you one day''

do you think had she wanted more in the bedroom, maybe different kinds of sex, or if she had wanted me to do oral sex, she would have told me?
could this have had anything to do with her breaking up with me?

thanks"
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Jim,

How old are the two of you?

Why didn't you push her for an explanation for the split?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: we are both 25.

i tried my best for an explination, asked her constantly, and all she told me was that she didnt feel the same about me as i felt about her, and then wouldnt respond to me anymore.

there some other issues i think may have affected her in making this decision, but this one has been bothering me. i could send you a much more detailed email if you like, but it will be longer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Jim

Go ahead and tell me what you're thinking. I won't mind if it's long.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: When we first started dating, she was all about me. Constantly calling, wanting to do things all the time. Within the first 2 months she talked about marriage and kids with me, and said she would move anywhere in the country with me where I got a job.

She took me to meet her family a few weeks before it ended, and told me how much they liked me. A few days before the breakup she was telling me where I could and couldn't go for my bachelor party when we got married. Everything seemed fine, and then she ended it. There are a few things that are in my mind of why this could be.

1. We grew up in different back grounds. My family had money, and hers didn't. She had to work her way through school, while my family helped me out. Were both 25. I'm not sure how much of an affect our financial situations could be. She never specifically said anything about it, but would talk about the kids who had their parent spay for college with sort of a bad tone.

2. She had 2 little dogs, which I wasn't very fond of. I tired my best to let her know that I did not hate them, like she thought I did. She let them sleep in the bed, which I didn't like. The whole 6 months, this was the only thing we ever really fought over. She loved these dogs, called them her 'kids', but she really thought I hated them, even though I told her I didn't. It took me a while to see how important they were to her, but once I figured it out, I tried my best to let her know that I liked them

3. It hadn't been 6 months yet, but I still had yet to tell her that I loved her, even though I did. I was waiting for 6 months to come. She broke things off with me a few days after her friend had told her that she had told her boyfriend that she loved him. When she told me that, I asked how long they had been dating, and she said 5 months. I wonder if she was thinking to herself why I hadn't told her that. Is not telling her I loved her a factor in her breaking it off?

4. She would always say how I had 2 years to propose to her. I told her that was fine, but that we had to wait for my brother to get married first, since he was older and had been dating his girlfriend for 4 years. I said it wouldn't be right of me to go before him. I think that may have bothered her. I told her that it would be within 2 years no matter what, and asked her to move in with me when her lease expired. Maybe she thought if I hadn’t told her I loved her after 6 months, how would I propose in 2 years? Maybe when she said 2 years she really wanted it to be 1?

5. The sex in the relationship was fine. We had it about 2 times a week. She never said she wanted more, and wanted anything different. I assume she would have if she wanted to?

6. The one friend who I met of hers, the one with the boyfriend who she told she loved, I could tell did not like me and even told me she couldn’t believe we were together. How much of an affect could her friend have on her?

7. Our birthdays are on back to back days. They came 2 months into our relationship. She wanted to take me home that weekend. At first I agreed, but then after I found out I had more time off from work, I told her that my mom wanted me to come home for my birthday. I sent her flowers on her birthday, and when I came back we went out to dinner. Was that enough on my part after 2 months. Should I have stayed, or gotten her a better gift?

8. Finally, and I think could be the biggest, is that she had to work in a bar on Friday and Saturday nights. Due to this, we never got to have a true social life with each other. We never got to go out and party with each others friends. I only met 1 of her friends, and she only met one of mine. The time we spent together, which was a fair amount of time, it was only just us 2. We never had dinner with another couple, or get to go out and party. She did like to party. I told her I didn't want to come into the bar where she worked will all my friends because I would feel uncomfortable having her wait on me and my friends. Was that wrong? I would ask her to take a night off so all of us could go out together, but she would always say she needed the money so she couldn't. Is it a big issue not to have that social life together?

She never really got to see me in a social scene, besides the one time we went out with 1 of my friends early on. Would it have made a big difference if I would have gone into her bar so she could see me with my friends and I could meet her friends? Is that enough to end a relationship.   I did ask her if it upset her that I didn't come in to the bar, and she said no, just that she thought it was weird. I explained to her why I didn't want to go because I didn't want her waiting on us, and said ' well that makes me happy'. so I did ask, but I still wonder if not having any social scenes together is enough to break it up, even though she was definite looking for marriage.

She was a wild girl, and the only friend she met of mine was more conservative. Do you think that maybe she thought all of my friends were like this, and because of this she thought she may not have a good time if she came out with us, maybe that she wouldn’t fit in?

After she wanted a break, a few days later I sent her flowers, and got no response. 10 days later, I tried to call her, left her a message. I couldn't take it anymore so I texted her to ask if it was over, and she said yes. I tried to contact her to talk about it, she would never talk to me, and would explain to me how it could end so suddenly. She gave no specific reasons, only that she didn't feel the same way, which I found to be weird considering all the stuff she would say to me.

The final thing you should know is that 3 weeks after we broke up, she met a guy at a wedding in Vegas. 2 weeks later she went to visit him across the country. 2 weeks later he came to visit her here. She then said how much she loved him. 2 weeks later she went to visit him in his home town, met his friends. Now, after knowing him for 2 months, and having spent a total of maybe 10 days together in the same city, she is moving across the country to live with him.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Jim,

I didn't forget about you. I will respond to you in the am, there's a lot for me to type out. You will get an email when I respond. Thanks

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
sorry, i dont mean to rush you, but i was wondering if you had any thoughts yet on the situation
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hi Jim,

Sorry for keeping you waiting, its a lot to think about. Your words are in italics so you can clearly see what you said and what my response was.

.........................................

When we first started dating, she was all about me. Constantly calling, wanting to do things all the time. Within the first 2 months she talked about marriage and kids with me, and said she would move anywhere in the country with me where I got a job.

I would say that 2 months was very quick to start discussing marriage and kids. It can indicate someone who is a bit insecure and seeks quick commitment to reassure them.

She took me to meet her family a few weeks before it ended, and told me how much they liked me. A few days before the breakup she was telling me where I could and couldn't go for my bachelor party when we got married. Everything seemed fine, and then she ended it. There are a few things that are in my mind of why this could be.

1. We grew up in different back grounds. My family had money, and hers didn't. She had to work her way through school, while my family helped me out. Were both 25. I'm not sure how much of an affect our financial situations could be. She never specifically said anything about it, but would talk about the kids who had their parent spay for college with sort of a bad tone.

She may have had a resentment toward you and the life you live. At the same time she may have admired and coveted it.


2. She had 2 little dogs, which I wasn't very fond of. I tired my best to let her know that I did not hate them, like she thought I did. She let them sleep in the bed, which I didn't like. The whole 6 months, this was the only thing we ever really fought over. She loved these dogs, called them her 'kids', but she really thought I hated them, even though I told her I didn't. It took me a while to see how important they were to her, but once I figured it out, I tried my best to let her know that I liked them

Thats very big of you, some people could never get past someone sleeping with dogs in the bed.


3. It hadn't been 6 months yet, but I still had yet to tell her that I loved her, even though I did. I was waiting for 6 months to come. She broke things off with me a few days after her friend had told her that she had told her boyfriend that she loved him. When she told me that, I asked how long they had been dating, and she said 5 months. I wonder if she was thinking to herself why I hadn't told her that. Is not telling her I loved her a factor in her breaking it off?

It could be a part of it. Especially is she had self esteem issues, she may have thought you did not love her.

 


4. She would always say how I had 2 years to propose to her. I told her that was fine, but that we had to wait for my brother to get married first, since he was older and had been dating his girlfriend for 4 years. I said it wouldn't be right of me to go before him. I think that may have bothered her. I told her that it would be within 2 years no matter what, and asked her to move in with me when her lease expired. Maybe she thought if I hadn't told her I loved her after 6 months, how would I propose in 2 years? Maybe when she said 2 years she really wanted it to be 1?

I can see where waiting till your brother got married might bother her, but if she really loved you she would try to understand and respect that. However i she 'needed' to get married to feel complete, this would not have set well with her.

You can't know what was in her head. You are asking me a lot of questions that you should have asked her. Maybe you can send her an email asking her these things. She may not answer, but she may, and you could get a better idea of what was going on in her head.



5. The sex in the relationship was fine. We had it about 2 times a week. She never said she wanted more, and wanted anything different. I assume she would have if she wanted to?

There's no way to know unless she asked. Some people are very open sexually, and if they want something they will ask, but others are not that open and won't talk about it,


6. The one friend who I met of hers, the one with the boyfriend who she told she loved, I could tell did not like me and even told me she couldn't believe we were together. How much of an affect could her friend have on her?

If women love someone, their friends opinions will not have the effect of breaking someone up. There would have to be many other factors.

7. Our birthdays are on back to back days. They came 2 months into our relationship. She wanted to take me home that weekend. At first I agreed, but then after I found out I had more time off from work, I told her that my mom wanted me to come home for my birthday. I sent her flowers on her birthday, and when I came back we went out to dinner. Was that enough on my part after 2 months. Should I have stayed, or gotten her a better gift?

this is a weird issue in some ways. She may have thought you chose your mother over her. At the same time, she may have felt that you rejected her family for yours because you initially agreed. I would have gotten another gift, nothing extravagant, but something thoughtful. Some people would feel that the flowers and the gifts at two months would have been sufficient.


8. Finally, and I think could be the biggest, is that she had to work in a bar on Friday and Saturday nights. Due to this, we never got to have a true social life with each other. We never got to go out and party with each others friends. I only met 1 of her friends, and she only met one of mine. The time we spent together, which was a fair amount of time, it was only just us 2. We never had dinner with another couple, or get to go out and party. She did like to party. I told her I didn't want to come into the bar where she worked will all my friends because I would feel uncomfortable having her wait on me and my friends. Was that wrong? I would ask her to take a night off so all of us could go out together, but she would always say she needed the money so she couldn't. Is it a big issue not to have that social life together?

She never really got to see me in a social scene, besides the one time we went out with 1 of my friends early on. Would it have made a big difference if I would have gone into her bar so she could see me with my friends and I could meet her friends? Is that enough to end a relationship. I did ask her if it upset her that I didn't come in to the bar, and she said no, just that she thought it was weird. I explained to her why I didn't want to go because I didn't want her waiting on us, and said ' well that makes me happy'. so I did ask, but I still wonder if not having any social scenes together is enough to break it up, even though she was definite looking for marriage.

In a way, yes., it's important to see how each other are in social situations. Going to her bar while she worked would have given her a chance to point you out to co workers and friends, as well as giving her the chance to meet your friends. I do understand hat you mean about her waiting on you and your friends, but she may have also thought that you were ashamed for your friends to see your girlfriend doing that type of work. Getting married doesn't mean its the end of your social life.

 


She was a wild girl, and the only friend she met of mine was more conservative. Do you think that maybe she thought all of my friends were like this, and because of this she thought she may not have a good time if she came out with us, maybe that she wouldn't fit in?

Its certainly possible on all counts. If she met a conservative friend, she may have thought thats the type of person you liked. It may have intimidated her. This could have been avoided by meeting more of each others friends.

After she wanted a break, a few days later I sent her flowers, and got no response. 10 days later, I tried to call her, left her a message. I couldn't take it anymore so I texted her to ask if it was over, and she said yes. I tried to contact her to talk about it, she would never talk to me, and would explain to me how it could end so suddenly. She gave no specific reasons, only that she didn't feel the same way, which I found to be weird considering all the stuff she would say to me.

The final thing you should know is that 3 weeks after we broke up, she met a guy at a wedding in Vegas. 2 weeks later she went to visit him across the country. 2 weeks later he came to visit her here. She then said how much she loved him. 2 weeks later she went to visit him in his home town, met his friends. Now, after knowing him for 2 months, and having spent a total of maybe 10 days together in the same city, she is moving across the country to live with him.

Maybe this person was just a better match for her in her eyes. It seems you went thru the same with her, but certain things happened that made her think it might not be a good match.

This isn't something you should take personally. Just because she didn't think you were a good match doesn't mean that someone else won't think you're the perfect match. Its better to be honest and ind out about it now than later on when the pain would have been far worse. I know this doesn't help to ease the pain, but hopefully it may help to move on. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I think she knew that i loved her, but she would some times say things like "how much do you like me" that i saw as trying to get me to say it. i always wanted to be with her, and always did stuff for her. when she was telling me she wanted a break, she almost started crying, she couldnt look at me. she knew how i felt. i told her then i wanted her forever. as much as i tried to get her back, i think she knew.

the marriage thing, when she told me i had 2 years to propose, i told her i would, just after my brother. also, if my brother didnt get married in those 2 years, i told her would propose anyways

does there seem like there was anything i could have done to prevent this break up. or does it seem like we were just 2 different people, and it never would have worked out?

maybe, after 6 months she just found out i wasnt for her?

she wouldnt respond if i tried to ask her these things. 2 months after the breakup, i texted her that i still love her, and wanted to try it again. she then told me about the new guy. i then asked if there was anything i could have done differently, and she said 'no, i just didnt feel the same way.' who knows if thats true.

is there something behind the fact that she refused to talk to me about it when she first broke it off? i was so good to her during the relationship, and the way she ended was so wrong, and i cant understand why she refused to talk to me about it?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Jim,

We can never know truly what is in the heart of another person. Thats why hearts are broken every day and almost every song deals with heartache and love. I don't think there was anything you could have done to prevent the breakup. I think that waiting to tell someone you love them is commendable, it shows strength and in most cases can make a relationship stronger because you don't jump into things right away, it allows things to grow without clouding it too much in the beginning.

It could be that she feels guilty about what she did and can't talk about it, the problem is she didn't feel guilty enough to stay so she could not have felt enough love, enough to sustain the relationship and possibly marriage. Who knows if she had of stayed she wouldn't have done this after you were married and you have been dragged through court paying alimony. Think of it as a good thing that she had the strength to walk away when she saw it wasn't for her. Remember that in case you ever need to do it, and move on from this.

Yes it was wrong, but we can't expect people to do things the way we would do them because they are not us. Don't beat yourself up about it, especially since theres nothing you can do to change things. So, chin up, keep yourself busy so you can't think of this. Go out with friends, take up a hobby or a class, anything to take your mind off of it. I know you will meet someone who will show you what real love is like one day.

I'm here if you want to talk more.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
a lot of people have told me there was nothing i could have done. i dont know if they just tell me that to make me feel better.

im sure youre right, but from what ive told you, what is it that makes you think that there was nothing i could have done?

also, if she wanted me to come into the bar, would she have directly told me?

also, do you think the fact that i didnt do something more special for her birthday, affected how she felt about me early on? is it important to get her feeling strongly about me early, and if not is it hard to get her to feel strongly later on?

any new thoughts on that? Thanks
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Jim,

Nice to talk to you again. Well, if we look back on almost every aspect of our lives and ask ourselves what we could have done differently it would be an exercise in futility. The fact is, we didn't do anything different than what we did.

I can see what you're saying about not making the same "mistakes", but I really don't see, based on what you've told me, where you could have done something different. We live in what I call a fast food world, where you can have anything in an instant. The problem is some people think when you find someone, you should jump in feet first, sleep together on the first date and spout "i love you's" right off the bat. What happens is fast food relationships that last a couple of months and fizzle out.

Perhaps she was used to guys falling at her feet and expounding on their love, going everywhere with her, and wanted someone who would have dived into things as quickly as this new guy did. However, believe me when I tell you, that type of person would have been very difficult to please, and the moment you didn't do things the way she needed them to be done, she would have moved onto someone who would.

It's my opinion that you would be going through this eventually as the problem was in he psyche or self esteems somewhere, not in your behaviors or actions. The last thing you want to do is rush into telling the next girl that you love her when you're not ready for fear of losing her. The only thing I would say that you might have done differently is breaking your birthday plans to go spend it with your mother. Her wanting to take you home could have meant a lot to her, she could have told other people and was disappointed and may have had to explain to people why you didn't come.

Let me know what you think, and/or if you want to talk more

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
your definitley right about guys falling at her feet. she was a very beautiful and smart girl, and had everything going for her. i obviously started off slower with her because i was unsure about her at first because she was different than what i was used to. she would always say 'we dont even spend the night together that much.' this was in the first couple of months.

about the birthday, i did always feel bad about it. i told her when i came back that i was upset that we didnt get to spend out birthdays together, and she said 'thats ok, we'll do it next year.' when i came back, i also brought her a couple of t-shirts from home. i tild her that they wernt her birthday present, that the flowers were, that i just wanted to get her something from home. i could tell she wasnt that flattered with them.

about 2 months later, i went on a trip, and came back with an expensive pair of sunglasses for her. when she asked me why i got her the glasses, i told just because i wanted to, and because i felt bad about not getting her a true birthday gift. the birthday was always on my mind, and so i tried to make up for it.

the way she ended it made me think that there was something in her that was just angry at me, and so she didnt care about how she ended it. maybe it was the birthday, the not going into the bar, the dogs she thought i hated, my financial back ground, my not having to work, maybe not asking her if the sex was ok, or maybe i missed something when she was angry and it seemed like i didnt care. it just seems that in the end she coulndt care less about me, and as good as i thought i was to her, that just didnt make sense to me.

any thoughts?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

You could sit here forever trying to figure out why she is the way she is, or why she did this thing or that. It could have been one thing or it could have been everything. It seems like she wasn't very appreciative of the things you did get her, maybe she expected more, considering your background.

It's not good to linger on this. It's time to get out, meet some new people, have fun, or at the very least, do something to keep you busy and prevent you from thinking about her. In your next relationship, if nothing else, vow to be more communicative about how you feel, how they feel, about the sex, everything. Don't let this last relationship cause you to do anything radically different from your true self.

I'm here if you want to talk more.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
does it say anything to you about how she ended it?

is it normal for people to just end it like that, w/o really telling the other person anything specific, and just not caring, after how much i thought i did for her?

also, does it not seem odd that a week before it ended, she was telling me how much she liked me, and still talking about marriage?

do you think that she maybe also thought i was always picking my family over her, with the birthday, waiting for my brother, going home for thanksgiving instead of staying with her, etc..?

finally, does it seem to you like i was making a lot of demands, or that i was the one always causing issues between us?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
she was very close to her family. they all had strong relationships with each other

the fact was that she lived an hour drive away from her whole family, and my family was a 2 hour plane ride away, so i saw them a lot less. i think she understood me having to go home to see them. she was a very smart girl, and i cant see her not understanding that.

some final questions:

1. ive heard that saying that 'some people have expectations about how relationships are supposed to go." im not sure i understand it. it seems like to me that every relationship would be different, and work differntly?

2. everything i did in the relationship was me being me, so if she ended it because she couldnt marry me, than i would be ok with that.

the one thing that would really get to me is that if she ended it because she really wanted to get married soon, and she thought i wouldnt do that, even though i told her i would. maybe she thought i was just using my brother as a delay, or maybe she thought he wouldnt get married soon enough.

this may sound crazy to you, but i wonder what she would have said if i would have proposed in the final 2 weeks?

if this was the main issue, would she have said 'look, i want to get married soon, and it doesnt look like you do, so i need to move on"?

3. do you think that me not going into her bar affected her feelings for me? maybe thought i was selfish (additionally with me saying i cant go home with her for thanksgiving b/c thats the only time when i see my family), even though i explained to her why. she did think it was weird.

if i would have gone in, we could have met each others friends, like you said she could have pointed me out to people. her friends would have liked my friends. we could have had that social life aspect. maybe the type of guy she likes would have gone in? if i would have gone in, do you think that could have made a big difference?

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