How old are the two of you?
Why didn't you push her for an explanation for the split?
Go ahead and tell me what you're thinking. I won't mind if it's long.
I didn't forget about you. I will respond to you in the am, there's a lot for me to type out. You will get an email when I respond. Thanks
Sorry for keeping you waiting, its a lot to think about. Your words are in italics so you can clearly see what you said and what my response was.
When we first started dating, she was all about me. Constantly calling, wanting to do things all the time. Within the first 2 months she talked about marriage and kids with me, and said she would move anywhere in the country with me where I got a job. I would say that 2 months was very quick to start discussing marriage and kids. It can indicate someone who is a bit insecure and seeks quick commitment to reassure them.
She took me to meet her family a few weeks before it ended, and told me how much they liked me. A few days before the breakup she was telling me where I could and couldn't go for my bachelor party when we got married. Everything seemed fine, and then she ended it. There are a few things that are in my mind of why this could be. 1. We grew up in different back grounds. My family had money, and hers didn't. She had to work her way through school, while my family helped me out. Were both 25. I'm not sure how much of an affect our financial situations could be. She never specifically said anything about it, but would talk about the kids who had their parent spay for college with sort of a bad tone.
She may have had a resentment toward you and the life you live. At the same time she may have admired and coveted it.
2. She had 2 little dogs, which I wasn't very fond of. I tired my best to let her know that I did not hate them, like she thought I did. She let them sleep in the bed, which I didn't like. The whole 6 months, this was the only thing we ever really fought over. She loved these dogs, called them her 'kids', but she really thought I hated them, even though I told her I didn't. It took me a while to see how important they were to her, but once I figured it out, I tried my best to let her know that I liked them
Thats very big of you, some people could never get past someone sleeping with dogs in the bed.
3. It hadn't been 6 months yet, but I still had yet to tell her that I loved her, even though I did. I was waiting for 6 months to come. She broke things off with me a few days after her friend had told her that she had told her boyfriend that she loved him. When she told me that, I asked how long they had been dating, and she said 5 months. I wonder if she was thinking to herself why I hadn't told her that. Is not telling her I loved her a factor in her breaking it off?
It could be a part of it. Especially is she had self esteem issues, she may have thought you did not love her.
4. She would always say how I had 2 years to propose to her. I told her that was fine, but that we had to wait for my brother to get married first, since he was older and had been dating his girlfriend for 4 years. I said it wouldn't be right of me to go before him. I think that may have bothered her. I told her that it would be within 2 years no matter what, and asked her to move in with me when her lease expired. Maybe she thought if I hadn't told her I loved her after 6 months, how would I propose in 2 years? Maybe when she said 2 years she really wanted it to be 1?
I can see where waiting till your brother got married might bother her, but if she really loved you she would try to understand and respect that. However i she 'needed' to get married to feel complete, this would not have set well with her.
You can't know what was in her head. You are asking me a lot of questions that you should have asked her. Maybe you can send her an email asking her these things. She may not answer, but she may, and you could get a better idea of what was going on in her head.
5. The sex in the relationship was fine. We had it about 2 times a week. She never said she wanted more, and wanted anything different. I assume she would have if she wanted to?
There's no way to know unless she asked. Some people are very open sexually, and if they want something they will ask, but others are not that open and won't talk about it,
6. The one friend who I met of hers, the one with the boyfriend who she told she loved, I could tell did not like me and even told me she couldn't believe we were together. How much of an affect could her friend have on her?
If women love someone, their friends opinions will not have the effect of breaking someone up. There would have to be many other factors.
7. Our birthdays are on back to back days. They came 2 months into our relationship. She wanted to take me home that weekend. At first I agreed, but then after I found out I had more time off from work, I told her that my mom wanted me to come home for my birthday. I sent her flowers on her birthday, and when I came back we went out to dinner. Was that enough on my part after 2 months. Should I have stayed, or gotten her a better gift?
this is a weird issue in some ways. She may have thought you chose your mother over her. At the same time, she may have felt that you rejected her family for yours because you initially agreed. I would have gotten another gift, nothing extravagant, but something thoughtful. Some people would feel that the flowers and the gifts at two months would have been sufficient.
8. Finally, and I think could be the biggest, is that she had to work in a bar on Friday and Saturday nights. Due to this, we never got to have a true social life with each other. We never got to go out and party with each others friends. I only met 1 of her friends, and she only met one of mine. The time we spent together, which was a fair amount of time, it was only just us 2. We never had dinner with another couple, or get to go out and party. She did like to party. I told her I didn't want to come into the bar where she worked will all my friends because I would feel uncomfortable having her wait on me and my friends. Was that wrong? I would ask her to take a night off so all of us could go out together, but she would always say she needed the money so she couldn't. Is it a big issue not to have that social life together?
She never really got to see me in a social scene, besides the one time we went out with 1 of my friends early on. Would it have made a big difference if I would have gone into her bar so she could see me with my friends and I could meet her friends? Is that enough to end a relationship. I did ask her if it upset her that I didn't come in to the bar, and she said no, just that she thought it was weird. I explained to her why I didn't want to go because I didn't want her waiting on us, and said ' well that makes me happy'. so I did ask, but I still wonder if not having any social scenes together is enough to break it up, even though she was definite looking for marriage.
In a way, yes., it's important to see how each other are in social situations. Going to her bar while she worked would have given her a chance to point you out to co workers and friends, as well as giving her the chance to meet your friends. I do understand hat you mean about her waiting on you and your friends, but she may have also thought that you were ashamed for your friends to see your girlfriend doing that type of work. Getting married doesn't mean its the end of your social life.
She was a wild girl, and the only friend she met of mine was more conservative. Do you think that maybe she thought all of my friends were like this, and because of this she thought she may not have a good time if she came out with us, maybe that she wouldn't fit in?
Its certainly possible on all counts. If she met a conservative friend, she may have thought thats the type of person you liked. It may have intimidated her. This could have been avoided by meeting more of each others friends.After she wanted a break, a few days later I sent her flowers, and got no response. 10 days later, I tried to call her, left her a message. I couldn't take it anymore so I texted her to ask if it was over, and she said yes. I tried to contact her to talk about it, she would never talk to me, and would explain to me how it could end so suddenly. She gave no specific reasons, only that she didn't feel the same way, which I found to be weird considering all the stuff she would say to me.
The final thing you should know is that 3 weeks after we broke up, she met a guy at a wedding in Vegas. 2 weeks later she went to visit him across the country. 2 weeks later he came to visit her here. She then said how much she loved him. 2 weeks later she went to visit him in his home town, met his friends. Now, after knowing him for 2 months, and having spent a total of maybe 10 days together in the same city, she is moving across the country to live with him.
Maybe this person was just a better match for her in her eyes. It seems you went thru the same with her, but certain things happened that made her think it might not be a good match.
This isn't something you should take personally. Just because she didn't think you were a good match doesn't mean that someone else won't think you're the perfect match. Its better to be honest and ind out about it now than later on when the pain would have been far worse. I know this doesn't help to ease the pain, but hopefully it may help to move on. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.
We can never know truly what is in the heart of another person. Thats why hearts are broken every day and almost every song deals with heartache and love. I don't think there was anything you could have done to prevent the breakup. I think that waiting to tell someone you love them is commendable, it shows strength and in most cases can make a relationship stronger because you don't jump into things right away, it allows things to grow without clouding it too much in the beginning.
It could be that she feels guilty about what she did and can't talk about it, the problem is she didn't feel guilty enough to stay so she could not have felt enough love, enough to sustain the relationship and possibly marriage. Who knows if she had of stayed she wouldn't have done this after you were married and you have been dragged through court paying alimony. Think of it as a good thing that she had the strength to walk away when she saw it wasn't for her. Remember that in case you ever need to do it, and move on from this.
Yes it was wrong, but we can't expect people to do things the way we would do them because they are not us. Don't beat yourself up about it, especially since theres nothing you can do to change things. So, chin up, keep yourself busy so you can't think of this. Go out with friends, take up a hobby or a class, anything to take your mind off of it. I know you will meet someone who will show you what real love is like one day.
I'm here if you want to talk more.
Nice to talk to you again. Well, if we look back on almost every aspect of our lives and ask ourselves what we could have done differently it would be an exercise in futility. The fact is, we didn't do anything different than what we did.
I can see what you're saying about not making the same "mistakes", but I really don't see, based on what you've told me, where you could have done something different. We live in what I call a fast food world, where you can have anything in an instant. The problem is some people think when you find someone, you should jump in feet first, sleep together on the first date and spout "i love you's" right off the bat. What happens is fast food relationships that last a couple of months and fizzle out.
Perhaps she was used to guys falling at her feet and expounding on their love, going everywhere with her, and wanted someone who would have dived into things as quickly as this new guy did. However, believe me when I tell you, that type of person would have been very difficult to please, and the moment you didn't do things the way she needed them to be done, she would have moved onto someone who would.
It's my opinion that you would be going through this eventually as the problem was in he psyche or self esteems somewhere, not in your behaviors or actions. The last thing you want to do is rush into telling the next girl that you love her when you're not ready for fear of losing her. The only thing I would say that you might have done differently is breaking your birthday plans to go spend it with your mother. Her wanting to take you home could have meant a lot to her, she could have told other people and was disappointed and may have had to explain to people why you didn't come.
Let me know what you think, and/or if you want to talk more
You could sit here forever trying to figure out why she is the way she is, or why she did this thing or that. It could have been one thing or it could have been everything. It seems like she wasn't very appreciative of the things you did get her, maybe she expected more, considering your background.
It's not good to linger on this. It's time to get out, meet some new people, have fun, or at the very least, do something to keep you busy and prevent you from thinking about her. In your next relationship, if nothing else, vow to be more communicative about how you feel, how they feel, about the sex, everything. Don't let this last relationship cause you to do anything radically different from your true self.
I'm convinced there's no one way to end a relationship, people do things based on their own emotions, ego, and understanding about how relationships are supposed to work. Some people think that things should be done a certain way, on their own schedule and if it's not done or doesn't meet their expectation about how "love" is supposed to be then they run away. Love cannot be scheduled, or put into a category. If you're lucky enough to love someone or find someone who loves you, you are creating your story as you go along.
Yes, of course it seems odd, if it didn't you wouldn't be so confused and we probably wouldn't have talked this long. She did a few things that might be considered selfish, and it's obvious she was looking for a certain something....she may not have found it with you, she may not find it with this guy.....her expectations may never be met if she is so specific as to what they are, she may never find someone who can make her 'completely' happy. She threw around 'marriage' and 'kids' like you were going to get a new car or jacket. It's just not that simple.
She may have had an issue with your family ties. Family ties are not a bad thing but people who are not close to their family may have a hard time understanding this bond. When you find someone who holds family as important as you do, then you will see the difference.
I'm here if you want to talk more