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Theresa
Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
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We would like to date but he is afraid or not ready

Customer Question

I work for an owner of a footballteam, so does he! But we both work at different department!

He broke up with his girlfriend in summer last year!

We know each other almost a year and we have the actraction for each other!

I would like to have a relationship with him but he said he wouldn''t because we''re working together and he is not interested in a relationship!

the other thing is he was with his girlfriend for 2 or 3 years!

I understand and respect his desicion but why does he tells me he is jealous if I''m dating other guys or he is happy that it didn''t work out with somebody or he cares about me!

I was his "partner in crime" for couples of week but I ended it because nothing happend! He said to me if we wouldn''t work the same men then it would be different!
Today we talked on the phone and he always says I deserve everyhting I want and that I can do so much better on guys!

I don''t understand him! Is he interested in me? I don''t know if I should let it go?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Theresa replied 8 years ago.

Hi Dfc:

After reading your post, it appears that you are not only busy at work, but also busy busy with wonder. Situations as you have presented can and frequently do have a way of occupying our thoughts!

I hear you saying that you would like to have a relationship with this man and you have known him for about a year and an attraction is present for both of you. I also hear you saying that the things that he tells you and the behaviors he engages in are confusing to you.

I would like to offer you this: From the information that you have provided in your post, I view him as being the one that is confused or unsure and for some reason, I believe that you do know what is going on!

He broke up with his girl about the same time the two of you started working together and he knows very clearly that you are interested in him. He has told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you because you work together and he isn't interested in a relationship.

Then on another day he tells you that he is jealous and he's glad it didn't work out with you and a potential guy, and he cares about you. He will occasionally throw in that it would be different if you didn't work with the same men.

Has he ever shared with you why he and his girl split? More important is he the one that broke it off or was she. Though I don't know him or her, I can almost bet you that she is the one that broke it off. You my friend are seeing the results of crash.

He evidently cared about this girl...and when she broke it off, many personal issues developed for him. This is very common for a man or woman that experiences this.

It sounds to me as though he is probably interested in a relationship with you; however, he is probably afraid to commit at the present time. Right now he most likely believes that if he did enter a relationship with you, the day would come that you would also leave him. When he thinks of things such as this the pain and rejection that he felt when she broke it off resurfaces. Him telling you that you can do so much better with other guys is his personal protection. It keeps him safe because he is in control of the situation like this.

One of the interesting things for you to ponder is that he is most likely not even aware of what he is saying or where it is coming from...self preservation is an innate human characteristic...and when he hurts (from thinking of losing you too) his mind goes into what I call survival of the fittest mode and he is not giving the commands.

I have seen many relationships that had the potential to grow and proper through life; however, the main thing that prevented this was lack of patience.

It is not my job to tell you what to do...However, it is my job to facilitate your efforts in this relationship through education about human nature and how we function. When you understand this, the patience that is need to endure will follow.

I can understand that you have feeling for him and want it to take off like a rocket Smile; however, I am going to suggest that you pull back from him (this doesn't mean quit talking to him) and keep your conversation out of the relationship mode. Let him be the initiator. If and when he brings it up then tell him just how you feel about him and how you feel when he does this.

Be sure to let him know that you are doing what you can to give him the space he needs to process everything he has been through. Let him know that you will be there for him if he wants to talk.

Make no promises...Just let him know that you care about him enough to give him the space he needs to work through his issues and if the two of you are meant to be then you will. Do let him know that you expect the same courtesy in return being that you don't want him to talk to about being jealous, etc. until he knows what he wants because it is confusing and hurtful to you.

If I can be of assistance to you in the future, you may request my help by typing:

ATTN:Customerbefore typing your question on the header or subject line and submitting it!

Terri

 

Theresa and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you! I think she went back to her home country! We met as he still had his girlfriend and he was unsure! You so right about everyhting!

One day he asked me if I would take care of a man and then I respond that I'm still waiting for the one and he said that I could be his wife!

He was making out with other women but like 2 weeks ago I told him how I feel about him and that I liked him and that I understand that we never could be together and his respond is that he can't hate on me for dating somebody else and he is jalous! Since then we calling each other sometimes and talking and he always makes it clear to me that he hasn't a girl!
Does he has a crush on me?
Expert:  Theresa replied 8 years ago.

Hi Dfc:

Just a note before I answer your question. I see that this was your first time visiting with JA and I'm glad that your experience was a good one! I am going to answer this question that you have also; however, I will ask that if you have any further questions that you start them in a new question box...This allows JA to keep track of every question that I answer.

I can answer 5 or 100 right here but they would only view this as one and think that we both have the gift of gab!

Thank you for understanding! Innocent

Ahh! So you ask, Does he have a crush on me?

From the information that you have given to me in this post, I believe that it is far more than a crush. I think the man has genuine feelings for you and would like to have a relationship with you. The problem that I believe he is experiencing is that he is afraid of being hurt again.

The reason that he makes the comments to you that he does:

One day he asked me if I would take care of a man and then I respond that I'm still waiting for the one and he said that I could be his wife!

is because he likes you and wants to get involved. He is really testing you to see if you are still hanging in there even though his fears are keeping him from moving forward.

Telling you that he is jealous and free "doesn't have a girl" is his way of letting you know that he is there for the taking and that he also cares.

I love his response of "I can't hate you for dating other people" and following it by telling you that he is jealous. The truth of the matter is that it probably kills him inside; but, the male ego would never let him tell you that.

Has any one ever told you what jealousy really is? Jealousy only happens when people don't see themselves as being the one, or good enough for, or as good as, another. It is a form of self rejection. He is feeling this because of the previous girl breaking off with him.

Society expects that when a woman is rejected by a man or when her husband leaves her for another woman that she will be sad, tearful, depressed, etc. I find it sad that even though society has made such progress in many areas of life, the one area that fails to be acknowledged are the emotions that a man has. The reason that this is sad is because just like woman, men hurt...need to cry...need to be held and need to be heard.

Interesting thought: Each of these things are free and yet so expensive! (That's a Terri thought)

Maybe the time has come, that you need to be more direct with this man (being that the other girl has left the country). If you want to have a relationship with him perhaps you should think about sitting down with him and letting him know...or, you might consider telling him the confusion that you are having with his mixed comments...or, you might consider asking him if he wants to be in a relationship with you and explain to him that you are asking because of how you feel about him and explain that if he doesn't feel the same way it will help you to move on...

Man...Love Hurts...So True

If I can be of assistance to you in the future, you may request my help by typing:

ATTN:Customerbefore typing your question on the header or subject line and submitting it!

Terri