What are your doubts?
Do you doubt that he loves you?
Do you doubt that he will be responsible? that he will be there for you?
Let me ask you a few more questions, ok?
Have you talked about your fears to him?
Has he said that he would feel inadequate in any of these arenas?
Are you sure that you would be willing to settle for a sexless marriage for the rest of your life?
If he is a poor manager of money, would you be the one to handle the money?
You said he doesn't pay rent, what does he do with his money?
Hello Lady Doc:
I want to share a few things with you regarding your present situation. I was married to a man for many years that had a high school education and like you, I am a doctor. These marriages can be successful! With this, I would like to suggest that you consider a few of the following comments and thoughts that I am going to post.
It is my sincere hope that in doing this, you will have the opportunity to think clearly with regard to your decision. The post that you have given identifies that you many different agenda's that are currently effecting your ability to reach your decision. With this, doubt has entered your thought process.
Get a pen and notepad, and a steaming hot cup of your favorite herbal tea.
Sit down, take a few deep breaths, and relax. There is nothing to rush this process.
Make notes for yourself as you go along!
Item #1. When I entered medical school I was a female and a human being with intense emotions and a desire to help others. I had a compassion for enriching the lives of others regardless of race, background, education or societal status.
Who am I now that I am practicing and have a diploma?
Do I view others differently?
Do I look down on people that are less educated than I am?
Do I find it embarrassing when attending functions with my boyfriend that I am embarrassed because he doesn't have a history of a solid education and work background?
Has he ever informed me that he feels inadequate or insecure when engaging in events with my peers and I?
If he hasn't, is it possible that I am the one that is having the feelings?
Item #2: I have always had the desire to please my family because when I do I am filled with a deeper sense of pride.
If my family does not accept the person that I love into our family is this their way of telling me that they are more concerned with their own happiness than mine?
Have I taken the moment to talk to my family about my feelings in this?
Item #3: I am so very aware of the problems that the man I love and care about has regarding sexual dysfunction. One part of me says that I could accept this while the other part of me continues to wonder if it will ever be resolved.
Have I taken the opportunity to discuss this with him?
And, have I taken the time to let him know that this is something that I want and to talk with him about fulfilling my sexual desires with alternatives to actual intercourse?
Have I ever attempted to engage him in sexual activities?
Item #4: Prior to meeting this man, my financial prosperity has grown to be quite good and stable. I am aware of the financial difficulties that he has experienced in the past.
Do I fear that marriage to him may prove to show me in the same predicament that he was in when we met?
Have I talked with him about a pre-nuptial agreement?
Have I talked with him about my fears?
After you have completed this self help journey, you will want to continue to explore further. Take the answers that you have provided and follow up on each of them providing an answer to the what if, what has, what will, how can, how does, how will, etc.
Do not use any thing in your follow up that includes a why question. This type of question is elusive and can also be blaming.
I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX the best. I'm confident that this will free your thoughts and take you right back to the independent woman you are!
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It's never any fun to hurt someone's feelings, but it seems to me that you already know what you want to do. No one like to be taken advantage or or to feel like they are being taken advantage of, and it is very possible that you are. Two things I would point to would be him not bringing up the fact that initially his stay was supposed to be temporary, and that he is doing everything with his money except help pay the bills.
I know that love is not all about sex, nor is it all about money, nor is it all about education. However its hard enough when one of these things is missing, and you're missing all three. Yes, his past relationship of his ex demanding sex, and cheating on him may have caused feelings of anxiety and insecurity to the point that he does have performance issues that may not be able to be resolved without therapy. If he's not sleeping with you now, there's no real guarantee that he will after marriage, chances are low that he would change this behavior.
As for the money, you will always have to accept the fact that he makes less money than you, so you have to decide if you are willing to live with someone who basically can only take care of themselves. If they love you and love is more important to you than money, then that is a decision you may be able to live with. By the same token, you've taught him that all of his basic needs will be taken care of and he can do for himself, his son, his mother, but he doesn't have to be a real contributor to the person he's supposed to care about.
Education is not as important as some people try to make out if the person is bright and intelligent. School is one thing but people can be just as smart without having to attend college. It's more important that they are open to new ideas, willing to compromise, are self assured and comfortable in different situations. It becomes more of an issue if he thinks your better than him, or is intimidated by you.
You're not with him for his ability to pay your bills or talk to your coworkers, but because you love him. I would say the biggest concern is the lack of sex. Perhaps you want him to go ahead and get his own apt with his son, and the two of you "date" before committing to the engagement? Of course he may not agree or be happy with such a suggestion, but you've already given him a chance to show that he can step up to the plate and he hasn't done so. Perhaps just the suggestion will motivate him to change some things.
You sound like you've lost your center. I don't think moving forward will help, I think you might have to take a couple steps back first before you can move forward. Sure some feelings might get hurt, but aren't your feelings being hurt now?
I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.