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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ill try to make this as short as I can.My

Customer Question

I'll try to make this as short as I can.My fiance' and I have been together for almost 17 years. The first 2 years, we had a normal, active sex life. When he was 36, he said he was an "old man", and we haven't made love since then. That was 14 years ago...he is now 50, I am 49. I had tried to initiate sex off and on for about 3 years after his decleration of "old", but got shot down every time. I gave up trying, not good for my self esteem to be shot down every shot. I decided that life without sex was just something I had to deal with. I love him, and didn't want him to be pressured to "perform". As much as I told myself this must be normal, and other couples must be experiencing this problem...I have yet to hear of anyone with this issue. I recently realized that his anatomy seems to work just fine (how I know this I can't get into). Time just slips away..I tried to talk to him several times..to no avail. Does anyone have any advice on what might have happened to cause this?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Cah,

Just to be clear,

You havent had sex with him in 14 years?

Do you live together?

The only reasoning he ever gave you was that he was old?

I'd like to know what you meant by the comment that you've recently realized it works fine, but I respect if you don't want to say?

Have you spoken to him since this realization?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yes...we live together, and yes...it's been 14 years. The only reason he says is that he's "old", he was 36 when he made this declaration. I can't get into how I came to this realization that things seem to work just fine, and yes, we have spoken since. We had along talk,and I basically told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue our relationship and went on to tell him exactly what I have felt over the past years. He was very appoligetic, but I still didn't get much else than that. Talking about intense matters of the heart...have never been easy for either of us. So that said...Christmas morning...he gets down on one knee, made sure the kids and grandkids were there, and proposes all over again! It was an awkward moment for everyone in the room,including him. I was on the spot...all I could say was...we'll see. He appologized later for ruining my Christmas, as he put it. What am I supposed to do with that? We have been engaged for 8 years...tho marriage has always been a subject he doesn't wish to discuss. The only reason we were engaged at all back then was because everyone...family...friends...was on his case to marry me. I knew that then..but the optomist I am saw better times for us in the future. Maybe it's because I'll be 50 this year...maybe it's hormones...I don't know, but the lack of closeness in our relationship...is really gnawing at me and I'm not sure what to do next.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: No answer yet.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Does anyone have any advice?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Cah,

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you sound like you already know what you should do, or want to do. You deserve to have someone who will love you the way you need to be loved. The loss of self esteem you've suffered over the years will be very difficult to replace. You have to understand that his decision of forced celibacy, was his decision. For whatever reason he decided to do it, those were his reasons, not yours. Allowing you to ask over and over, and still not seeing your side of things. In many ways what he did was very selfish. I understand that it's not easy to express emotion, but not having sex should have never meant losing the love, affection and closeness. Maybe he's afraid of losing you now, in fact that seems quite obvious, but there's something (that your not saying) that showed you that it's possible the excuses of the past 14 years were a lie. He never wanted to talk about marriage but now it's important to propose? The only thing you have to decide now is if it's just too late.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

 

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Do have any Idea why a man of 36...would suddenly decide he was too old for sex? I still don't get it to this day. I didn't see any performance issues before he stated he was an old man, that's why I don't get it. I thought maybe it was a phase..or something stupid like that. I do believe there is more to this that he is not telling me. Feel free to voice an opinion of what you think might have happened...can't be any worse than what I've imagined over the years. Thanks, C
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Cah,

Its a little hard, I feel like I'm missing an important part when you tell me that there's a reason why you know that he's was able to have sex. Would you be willing to send me that information privately? If so, click on my name, and then click the gray button that says PM, and it will allow you to send me a private message.

If not...well, the only things I can think of is, perhaps he had another woman on the side? Let me ask you a question, who was the breadwinner in the family? Could it have been that he was afraid to leave because of financial reasons?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yeah...that's what I was thinking...a fling or something. That's the only thing that makes sense to me. My thought is..something happened, and he felt guilty...so can't make love to me. This has been a fleating thought over the years..I would just push that thought out of my head...and life goes on. I know I have to confront him with my suspicions..and I will..when the time is right. Wow..I think I've been saying that for a number of years now. I'm not sure when the time comes,If I'll know if he's telling the truth. I don't think he's ever lied to me. I know down deep...I might not like the answer, and that's why I haven't asked the question. Not quite sure how I'll handle it if I find out what a freaking doormat I've been all these years...but I need to know. I hate hurting anyone..especially someone I've lived with for almost 17 years. I have never told any of my close friends any of this..they wouldn't understand...Hell...I don't even understabd. It does help to vent though. Thanks for listening.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Cah,

Certainly anytime you want to talk, feel free to ask for me by name.

You do need to know. As much as it hurts, the truth is always better. There's no guarantee that he will be truthful, considering how long this has been going on, you're just going to have to trust your womens intuition. And yes, despite what you think, it still works after all these years you just have to be open to it. Think about picking up a book on meditation, it's very helpful to get in touch with your inner self. Let me know if you need any recommendations.

I'm here whenever you need to talk.

Chase

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