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Theresa
Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
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mother in law is affecting my emotional health can you advis

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I have looked at various sites to do with family issues and emotional problems and have decided I should probably see my GP.The trouble is I am not sure if he would have answers as there is no medicine to help me deal with my vitriolic mother in law. It is a very long story which came to a head when I opened the 3 parcels she gave me for Christmas.Gift1. book called Housewives on top (basically a story about a woman who has so much money she doesnt have to work)!!! I am a busy housewife who supports my husband in business, I have just finished working full time in his office over and above everything else I do Gift2.A book about a murder with a picture of a blood stain on the front.(She knows I enjoy reading, she also knows I would be horrified opening this) Gift 3. A long box with a pair of pink marigold gloves with a fake diamond toy ring on one fingers Suffice to say I felt traumatised,still do We want to cut ties,last resort. She has admitted she is jelous of me!Please can you help
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have looked at various sites to do with family issues and emotional problems and have decided I should probably see my GP.The trouble is I am not sure if he would have answers as there is no medicine to help me deal with my vitriolic mother in law. It is a very long story which came to a head when I opened the 3 parcels she gave me for Christmas.Gift1. book called Housewives on top (basically a story about a woman who has so much money she doesnt have to work)!!! I am a busy housewife who supports my husband in business, I have just finished working full time in his office over and above everything else I do Gift2.A book about a murder with a picture of a blood stain on the front.(She knows I enjoy reading, she also knows I would be horrified opening this) Gift 3. A long box with a pair of pink marigold rubber gloves with a fake diamond toy ring on one fingers Suffice to say I felt traumatised,still do We want to cut ties,last resort. She has admitted she is jelous of me!Please can you help
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Sorry, I am not sure what I have to do here as I do not know what further info you require, can you let me know?
Many Thanks
jana
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

Hi Jana:

I am so sorry to hear about the experience that you are going through with your mother in law. I also want to let you know that there are many women and men that have had this same experience. There is no one that should have to experience this; however, when we are what I call in a people jam as this, we do not have to allow it to happen. We have absolutely no way to control other peoples behavior or thinking. And, the same is true for them...They can only have a negative effect on us when we allow them too!

Please read on before you become upset. The statement I made is so very true; however, it's meaning is not a negative.

First I want to commend you for taking the first steps to emotional freedom from this woman. You are engaging in a very proactive, self directed, healing process. I am hoping to help you through the rest.

You mention that there is not a medication that can help you deal with your mother in law. I am going to disagree with you on that and suggest that you do make an appointment with you General Practitioner. There are many wonderful medications that are available and while they don't get rid of Mother-In-Laws, they act as a support for the person that takes them with anxiety, depression, etc.

The key word here is support. They lessen the emotional effect of the trauma or abuse to help you remain strong enough while you are dealing with the emotional result of the problem.

Second, I am going to suggest that you seek out a therapist as a part of your healing process. This will benefit you in two ways:

1. When you have simply had it...Your therapist will work with you on designing an appropriate method for letting your anger feelings go that present from the awful relationship. I can not tell you specifically what they will be; however, he/she will fine tune this with you and it could range from something as simple as keeping a journal and discussing it in session to an exercise routine or both and possibly more.

The best thing about this is you will be the director and any suggestions that the therapist might provide that you know would not be something that would help you...won't be contained in this.

Being a psychologist myself, I strongly believe that you are a kind person and were very likely to have grown up in a home where you were taught that "Children do not disrespect adults". Being a kind, respectful adult yourself is due to this upbringing. This is probably why you are unable to deal with your mother in law. While your mind is saying I've had it, your subconscious mind is telling you that it is not proper to be disrespectful adults.

The main reason I have provided this information, is to give you a peek at the second benefit of therapy. Your therapist will work with you at what I will call self reflection and understanding. You will explore with them numerous things that have taken place in your life. This will allow you to become aware of why you think and do the things you engage in.

Additionally, it will aid you at removing what I call thinking errors. It is amazing when you take a moment to think of the human brain and the vast amount of knowledge that it can hold. What is more amazing to me is how this brain can know so many things for a fact and still believe the opposite.

The following is a simple thinking error:

If you were asked if you ever told a lie and you said "not really I'm an honest person and I treat others the way I want them to treat me"

Then if you were asked if you have ever told a little white lie and you responded..."Of course I've told a white lie. I think everyone does that at one point or another in their life".

The response to the second question shows the thinking error. 1) A lie is a lie. They do not come in colors and, 2) You are justifying your lies by believing that everyone has told one at one time or another.

Remember: This is just an example!

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX you are on the right track Jana and I do hope that you think about the suggestions that I have provided you with. You will grow stronger with each passing day...And, all of a sudden you will find that you can look your mother in law in the eye and tell her. "When I first met you I had no idea that I would be hurt from things that I have allowed you to do to me. I am very aware now and I refuse to allow this to continue. I will treat you sociably polite; however, should an attempt to engage in this again surface, I will not tolerate you in my home".

Faith in yourself will see you through this. Don't give up on yourself and never look back! Smile

If this information has been helpful to you then please do ACCEPT by clicking on the green button on your screen for this is how we are compensated for our work. Positive feedback is always appreciated too!

If I can be of assistance to you in the future, you may request my help by typing:

ATTN: Terri60 before typing your question on the header or subject line and submitting it!

Terri

Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience: PhD. Clinical Psychology
Theresa and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you Terri,
I have read your answer and I accept every thing you have said. I was especially interested in the comments about being brought up to respect our elders. Although I am in my 40s now this has been going on with my mother in law since I was very young. I was always taught never to upset anyone intentionally and infact always turn the other cheek to avoid conflict.Although a good phiosophy it never gave me the tools to deal with people if they upset me.I would simply turn things in on myself and wonder what I had done wrong! Yes you are right. I am known as a nice and understanding person and people do come to me with their problems.I also know I could probably do with a thicker skin. I have had situations to deal with in the past which have necessitated a very thick skin and I have managed very well.My problem is my mother in law is someone I feel I should love and respect and would like the same in return.I have to face the fact I basically do not like her and cannot repect her due to her behaviour. I may seek help from my GP if I find I am not getting through this.I have a very supportive husband and family so I will go with this and keep strong,after all she is the one who is unhappy and I cannot help that. I have tried. Onwards and upwards I need try no more.It is her turn now!! I would welcome a final comment on my reply to you as a final remark on this issue, as I have now posted more details about my age and length of marriage etc which was requested and which you did not have before ,just incase it would have affected your reply. Thankyou very much for your help I really appreciate it.
Jana                                                                                   &nbs p;                     
Jana.
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks again terri.
I too find reward in helping people and I will continue to do this. I am just sorry I have been unable to help my mother in law. I have accepted
this now. If she ever comes to me with the olive branch and a detailed explanation of her troubles and reasons for her behaviour, I may listen and try to help as best I can. I am at peace now with my decision to stay away until then ,because I know I have done my best ,
it is now up to her.
jana.
Expert:  Theresa replied 6 years ago.

You have no idea just how welcome you are. You have made my day a little brighter.

The road one travels during lifes journey will always have one or two mountains that appear unbearable to climb. It is important to remember that when you reach one of these mountains you do not have to labor on the journey to the other side. You simply have take a quite moment to think. You will soon realize that in order to complete your journey you simply have to get to the other side. It is much easier to walk around the mountain than it is to climb it! tlr

Terri

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Theresa
Theresa
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PhD. Clinical Psychology