I am so sorry to hear about the experience that you are going through with your mother in law. I also want to let you know that there are many women and men that have had this same experience. There is no one that should have to experience this; however, when we are what I call in a people jam as this, we do not have to allow it to happen. We have absolutely no way to control other peoples behavior or thinking. And, the same is true for them...They can only have a negative effect on us when we allow them too!
Please read on before you become upset. The statement I made is so very true; however, it's meaning is not a negative.
First I want to commend you for taking the first steps to emotional freedom from this woman. You are engaging in a very proactive, self directed, healing process. I am hoping to help you through the rest.
You mention that there is not a medication that can help you deal with your mother in law. I am going to disagree with you on that and suggest that you do make an appointment with you General Practitioner. There are many wonderful medications that are available and while they don't get rid of Mother-In-Laws, they act as a support for the person that takes them with anxiety, depression, etc.
The key word here is support. They lessen the emotional effect of the trauma or abuse to help you remain strong enough while you are dealing with the emotional result of the problem.
Second, I am going to suggest that you seek out a therapist as a part of your healing process. This will benefit you in two ways:
1. When you have simply had it...Your therapist will work with you on designing an appropriate method for letting your anger feelings go that present from the awful relationship. I can not tell you specifically what they will be; however, he/she will fine tune this with you and it could range from something as simple as keeping a journal and discussing it in session to an exercise routine or both and possibly more.
The best thing about this is you will be the director and any suggestions that the therapist might provide that you know would not be something that would help you...won't be contained in this.
Being a psychologist myself, I strongly believe that you are a kind person and were very likely to have grown up in a home where you were taught that "Children do not disrespect adults". Being a kind, respectful adult yourself is due to this upbringing. This is probably why you are unable to deal with your mother in law. While your mind is saying I've had it, your subconscious mind is telling you that it is not proper to be disrespectful adults.
The main reason I have provided this information, is to give you a peek at the second benefit of therapy. Your therapist will work with you at what I will call self reflection and understanding. You will explore with them numerous things that have taken place in your life. This will allow you to become aware of why you think and do the things you engage in.
Additionally, it will aid you at removing what I call thinking errors. It is amazing when you take a moment to think of the human brain and the vast amount of knowledge that it can hold. What is more amazing to me is how this brain can know so many things for a fact and still believe the opposite.
The following is a simple thinking error:
If you were asked if you ever told a lie and you said "not really I'm an honest person and I treat others the way I want them to treat me"
Then if you were asked if you have ever told a little white lie and you responded..."Of course I've told a white lie. I think everyone does that at one point or another in their life".
The response to the second question shows the thinking error. 1) A lie is a lie. They do not come in colors and, 2) You are justifying your lies by believing that everyone has told one at one time or another.
Remember: This is just an example!
I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX you are on the right track Jana and I do hope that you think about the suggestions that I have provided you with. You will grow stronger with each passing day...And, all of a sudden you will find that you can look your mother in law in the eye and tell her. "When I first met you I had no idea that I would be hurt from things that I have allowed you to do to me. I am very aware now and I refuse to allow this to continue. I will treat you sociably polite; however, should an attempt to engage in this again surface, I will not tolerate you in my home".
Faith in yourself will see you through this. Don't give up on yourself and never look back!
If I can be of assistance to you in the future, you may request my help by typing:
ATTN: Terri60 before typing your question on the header or subject line and submitting it!
Bingo! Something told me... The first thing that I would like to say is I knew who you were as soon as I read your post. Part of my work is in profiling!
The first and most important thing I would like to offer you is that it is 100% ALL RIGHT THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE YOUR MOTHER IN LAW AND CAN NOT RESPECT HER DUE TO HER BEHAVIOR.
I want to assure you that if you did there would be a serious problem.
The second important thing is that you are CORRECT AND FOR THIS YOU GET AN A+. "My problem is my mother in law is someone I feel I should love and respect and would like the same in return."
One of man's basic need on Marlow's hierarchy of needs is the need to be loved. This type of love is referring not only to a relationship between husband and wife it is means that we have the need to be purposeful and we have the need to be wanted in all of life's interactions that we experience with life (man and beast and all life forms). What would a person experience if they loved gardening (flowering plants and others) and all they had to do was place a seed in a pot, walk away and return to find beautiful blooms and succulent vegetables a week later.
The answer is none. We are purposeful and needed by these beautiful plants. They need us to water and feed them and to keep them groomed. Our purpose in doing this life activity is to eat healthy and feel the wonderful reward of our efforts as the plant matures. Purpose brings meaning to the life activities and relationships that we engage in with others.
The third thing in you response is...Another A+ for you are on target when you identify I was always taught never to upset anyone intentionally and in fact always turn the other cheek to avoid conflict.Although a good philosophy it never gave me the tools to deal with people if they upset me.
Can you see the thinking error in the first sentence? Never upset anyone intentionally...turn the other cheek to avoid conflict!
This is virtually impossible through out life. It is very normal that you will upset and disappoint others and there will be times that it is required and therefore intentional; however, instead of turning the other cheek we will use appropriate communication skills to let our message be heard.
This makes much better sense, what do you think?
Being that you have a very supportive husband you may have the support that is needed to get around therapy. I will suggest that you never forget that in itself therapy is a valuable tool and is available for you. I leave you with this thought because like you, your husband also uses thinking errors and believes that he should love his mother. In time and while helping you through this process he will most likely see the thinking error in this and realize that to love and respect others is really done because you love yourself. And, you don't have to love someone to respect them.
My work does this for me. When I can help anyone, I am rewarded.
I don't know if you are interest but do to my line of work, I have a small library! LOL If you would be interested, I would be more than happy to provide you with a list of excellent self help reads you may find useful! Just let me know.
I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.
And to Accept you will have to click the green button on your screen. Since we have experienced one of those human interactions There is something that I must ask of you. Is it possible that you leave feedback with regard to this when you have a moment? Feedback allows other customers to sneak a peek at how the customers that have interacted with a customer, view the transaction.
Also, please don't hesitate to jot my name down TERRI60 in the event that you may want to call on my help again,
You have no idea just how welcome you are. You have made my day a little brighter.
The road one travels during lifes journey will always have one or two mountains that appear unbearable to climb. It is important to remember that when you reach one of these mountains you do not have to labor on the journey to the other side. You simply have take a quite moment to think. You will soon realize that in order to complete your journey you simply have to get to the other side. It is much easier to walk around the mountain than it is to climb it! tlr