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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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how do I stop obsessive thoughts

Resolved Question:

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Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Bella,

How old are you?

What are the thoughts about?

Can you tell me more about whats going on?


Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Hello, I will be 53 in eleven days. I am happily married now for just over 30 years. Is there something wrong with me or am I just bored?... This past Spring I found my old boyfriend on the internet; we had never had closure over 32 years ago. I had no idea that I would become so emotionally attached or "obsessed" with this emotional experience. Finding him and learning about his story brought me back to my "authentic" self which was good for me, and my husband and me, as well. The old boyfriend was the first to open up talk about how we ended without closure: he said that he felt like such a coward back then, when my parents made hell open up -they did not want us to continue to see eachother. I continued to go out with him and then I was tired of doing all the work, calling and writing, so one day I just decided to not call or write, and I hoped that he would "love / want" me enough to find a way to communicate (he could have written to my sister's address). I was very lucky to meet my husband shortly after that; upon meeting him I told him that I was involved with the former one and that I didn't know what would happen... my husband kept me busy and I just put the old boyfriend away in "a box" never actually dealing with the ending. I think I was smart to know that I had to just let it go. Now upon talking to the old boyfriend, I found much happiness; sooooo many memories came back; I could feel again my old love and even the disappointment with my parents and even the "cowardice" of the old boyfriend. I was very much in love with my husband, and I felt very lucky that God sent me my husband instead of going thru the intended stage of rebelliousness against my parents and men (or the old boyfriend) as I intended. I was truely in love with my husband, and never looked into that "box" in my closet until throughout the 30 years, troubles appeared in our marriage, when I remembered that the old boyfriend did some things that the husband did not do. I always knew that the old boyfriend did not have what it takes to make a go (courage as he put it). He would never have had the courage to put up with much of the crap my parents still put us all through. Besides all this, upon communicating with the old boyfriend, I find out that his wife died four years ago when he tried to find me but still did not have the courage to finish the act. I also found out that he still does things and and has said things that I always wanted from my husband. By the way, everyone sees that for the most part both my husband and the old boyfriend are very similar: physical, intelligence (both ended up being physicists). Anyway, we have not been inappropriate. I write emails that I would not be ashamed of, should someone like my husband ever read them. We have seen each other twice within the family. I got a chance on the phone to tell him that I always loved him, and that I would have run away with him back then, but he had too much on the line with his studies. Anyway, I love my husband and do not want to hurt him. I am sure that I married the right one and that I am still very lucky. I would like to just keep the friendship connection. He lives far away, so there is no danger.... but I think about him everyday. I would love to set him up with single friends. I hate to think he is lonely. I prayed that those beautiful intimate memories would go away, but I was also afraid that the great feelings that awoke in me (people said that I was glowing...) I am now happy after a long time of not being happy (I have four kids and lots of drama; now my husband is showing me support and I am enjoying it.)Any way, the memories no longer haunt me, and I do not go there to wake them. I am having the best sex of my life with my husband; I am feeling happy, but I am worried about these OBSESSIVE thoughts - always thinking about the old boyfriend - I prefer to refer to him as just an old friend. Thinking of him has not made me negative about my husband in fact it's the reverse. I feel like I still love the old one and only want to see him happy. He is doing nothing (as usual...) to invite me to wait for his attention. He is very appropriate, He said that he is so glad to learn that I am ok, because all these years he wondered and worried. He still has photos of us from back then and we only talk or write about old memories that are appropriate to talk about. Once during a phone call (we only had two phone calls) did I get a lot of stuff off my chest when I told him that I would have run away.... Sooooooooo, what is wrong with me, what should I do?
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
I am wondering if I sent my reply well or if I still need to write somewhere else. Please help, bella
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 9 years ago.

Hello Bella,

First off, take a deep breath. Smile From everything you wrote me, there's nothing wrong with you. It seems that you are handling this uncharacteristically maturely, as most people would have already started an affair with the ex from the start. There's nothing wrong with still loving a person you once loved. There's nothing wrong with still loving that person and wanting them to feel real love even if it's not with you. As much as that thought would hurt, you just loved him so much that you wished him the best regardless of sacrifice. The fact that he has made you be a better wife to your husband and vice versa shows how strong the bond between you and your husband is. If you feel that none of the emails you send your ex would offend your husband then there likely isn't much harm in talking if it can be maintained at that level. I could see your life with both of these men in it.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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