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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have a four year old to a previous relationship but ...

Customer Question

I have a four year old to a previous relationship but have been remarried to my husband we have one other child and one on the way. We fight constantly about my four year old girl who just loves my husband. He keeps telling me that I love her more than our son. Its almost impossible to stay sane in the house I am in right now. I think my four year old daughter is starting to be affected by the arguing. She knows my husband is talking about her because he makes it obvious. He points to her, calls he dumb and when I cry, she hug me and tells me how much she loves me. If I hold her back, he says to my son... see honey, she like her better than you. Now my son is only 19 months old, but my daughter is starting to wake up in her sleep screaming... Mommy, I love you so much... Mommy, don''t cry. I mean, really screaming like someone is chasing her. She is almost hypervenalating. I have another baby on the way and I can''t leave. How can I pretect my daughter???
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Why do you think he is saying this?

Does he see how it is affecting the child?

Do you have family you can ask to help?

Why do you think he started this?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: HI Chase... He was very close to my daughter before we had our first, then he started saying that I should love our baby more, because he is ours. I keep trying to tell him that a mother... a good mother, loves her children the same. Of course the baby requires more attention and he gets it from me, but when he is sleeping, my husband says I should put my 4 yr old in her room. I tried a counting game with her yesterday, since she is in preschool now and learning, and he said.... do you spend individual time with our son. He is number 2 to you and it makes me sick. Chase, I can't explain to you how this stuff makes me feel, and he does know how it affects me and my daughter. He is a grown man and I don't think I should have to convince my husband that I love our son. He said I should update him everyday with the things I do with the baby. I do most times at dinner conversation, but he wants it more like a report. it's psychotic. I told my mother just a little about it, not much or she will hate him which she already does because of the small things I told her. Now he is starting to put his hands on me. I have a scratch on my neck from our fight yestereday and a little blood blister on my lip. He tells me that I have to understand that this is his first son and he is very protective of him, and I am too, that's what I don't understand. He said things should get better with our child on the way, when he can justify my time needing to be shared with more than one kid. He just doesn't think I should be spending time on my daughter. Then he says, it's not her, it's me. I can't win. I know this site is just informational, I just have no one to talk to and I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy here. I guess I just need someone to talk to. Thanks for listening
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Mama,

I can't be positive but it sounds like he is having some type of breakdown. Sometimes fathers will look at the stepchild as a threat to the "real" child that you have "together". He's already shown that he doesn't care how this affects your daughter and he is in fact already causing mental and emotional damage to the child. If this continues, she could end up with some serious problems, if not already. This will also affect the other children as well. You are very right, you shouldn't have to convince him that you love your son, and he should not be forcing you to prove this is any way. I can only imagine how this is making you feel, and I really want you to see the danger in what's going on here. You have to think about more than yourself right now, if he were to hurt or kill you, who would have custody of her? He probably would if he didn't get caught and who knows how he would treat her? The next time he hits you, he could kill you. I know you said that you have no where to go but there are shelters who will help, organizations that will protect you. He may be experiencing some type of illness or breakdown that is causing him to act this way, but if he won't get seen, then he needs to go to jail, either way you can be safe. The kids can be safe. But he has to get help someway to figure out why he's behaving so irrationally.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you so much for your response. It's nice to know that someone else sees it my way. Sometimes in life, I've noticed that it feels good to know your not alone. Thaks for letting me vent.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Mama,

You're very welcome. You've been on my mind a lot and I hope that you take care of yourself and your babies. There's something wrong with him right now, and whether it's temporary or permanant remains to be seen, but not at the cost of your life or the well being of your kids. Feel free to request me by name anytime you want to talk. Please take care, and drop me a line sometime and let me know how you're doing.

Warmly

Chase

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