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Theresa, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 877
Experience:  PhD. Clinical Psychology
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I have been married 7 years. We have 3 girls under 3. life ...

Customer Question

I have been married 7 years. We have 3 girls under 3. life is hectic,but we are a proud family. anyway i feel so belittled and taken for granted all the time. i work full time(teacher)so does hsb, but he travels frequently. I just want to know how do I get him to show compassion/just had ablation surgery day after xmas and he hasn''t even asked how i am doing after the 2 days that were "allotted me....anyway i just want a loving husband and then maybe i will show him a little respect too. please answer before he gets up and i begin my very long day thanks
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Theresa replied 7 years ago.

Hello 3Girls Mommy:

Three girls and all under the age of three and you work full time too. I do not mean to make light of what you are saying in the least; however, the feelings that you are having are more than normal due to this circumstance alone. I know that you are feeling overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to be the one that ignites the flame that left you burning with desire for him when you first met. The reason that I say this is that in his way of thinking he probably doesn't even know how you feel. After all, you did say that he is on the road a lot. Unfortunately, while this may take care of your physical needs your emotional needs are sitting on the back burner from your perspective.

Being that he is frequently gone from the home due to work, you are left to care for the girls and the home and you also work. Instead of realizing how belittled you feel, he probably gloats with pride because you're amazing to him. He probably feels less than human as he ponders over all of the things that you do. Men actually do feel the same way women do, they just don't express themselves the same way. If he avoids talking to you about the things that you go through from day to day while he isn't home it is most likely because he feels ashamed as if he isn't doing his fair share when the reality is due to circumstances he can't do all that you do in the home.

As a collective group the majority of women fought for recognition of equality between themselves and man. The burden is they got it and now men and women don't know what to do with it! Smile I am woman hear me roar...Right? Oh, and by the way ... Honey, could you massage my feet when I come in from work my tootsies are tired! (This part was supposed to make you laugh even though it is the truth)

What I would like to suggest is that you make the time for the to of you to just sit with each other. No television, no girls, just the two of you in each others presence with a glass of wine, in a quiet moment alone so that you can talk to each other and reacquaint yourselves. (If you are boring like me Coffee will hit the spot!) You don't have to start the moment off rushing to pour your heart and soul out...take it easy and the timing will occur in a natural pace. Do tell him how you feel and tell him the things that you miss ... The things that you shared before life was so hectic.

I am willing to bet that he will be as relieved as you are. You might also make this a routine for the two of you. Time for your self as a couple. When this is lacking in a marriage the marriage will fade away in time to nothing. The glue that bound you together has to be reapplied at a steady pace so that it doesn't dry out, crack and slowly flake away.

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