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Lindie
Lindie, Parent
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Experience:  Parent/Step Mother: With 20+ years experience.
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Im married with no kids and have been in an affair

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I'm married with no kids and have been in an affair with a married man with 2 kids for 6 months and has just ended because of his kids. It started out just as sex on the side no strings then we both fell for each other and now it is over. he has been caught with me twice now and almost a third time. She had an affiar herself for a year 4 years ago when he found out he threw his ring at her told her he only stays for the kids once the kids were older 18 or so he''s going to leave. if it wasn''t for the kids he would leave and really considered leaving for me in august beacuse of my trust issues I didn''t leave. I found that I have fall deeply in love with him and I need and want him to come back to me very badly. He said that he really wants me but can''t have me. I asked when the kids are older? He said that it will be about 7-10 years that he would like to keep in touch and we would talk about us when the 7-10 years is up. How do I get him to leave now or reconsider having me on the side?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

First of all let me say you can't "make" someone do something they don't want to do. Second, if he is in a relationship (even if he's not in love with her) he is still in a relationship that is the botXXXXX XXXXXne. It has to be his choice with no pressure from you. Because if he regrets at some point in his life, he WILL blame you. Not to mention there is a very good chance he will cheat on you as well. Every relationship, especially those that don't have the every day living stress are just wonderful. But imagine living with him and then having his kids on weekends, holidays etc. not to mention to deal with the ex wife. Especially for someone that doesn't have children. Having an already made family is one of the hardest relationships to do. Not to mention you too are married.

When people jump from one person to another, it really doesn't work out well. People need what's known as "down time" time to get your life in order and live a single life again. If you are not happy with who you are with, then move on. But you are married.

Having an affair is not good for anyone involved. And it's so easy to get those strong feelings because you just know the "good" things. You don't pay bills together, you don't deal with in laws together, you don't share a bathroom, kitchen etc. he may snore, squeeze the toothpaste the wrong way. Belch too much etc.

And I'm sure if they are still together, they are having sex as well. And you only know what he tells you. He may tell his wife he loves her etc. but these are things that occur behind the door that you won't know.

So if you are serious on this, then you need to move on from your current life and start your own. And when and if he is ever ready, then he can look you up. But to make him or force him won't work and you can't force someone. They need to make the choice themselves, or regret will be there and once one regrets, then they blame. And I don't think you would want that either.

I hope this helps and gives you some thoughts to ponder.

If you found this helpful don't forget to click the *ACCEPT* button and please take a moment to leave me *POSITIVE* feedback.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We have always been blunt and honest with each other on things. We have talked and we both know about the sex between my husband and his wife. And yes i have thought about the whole dealing with the ex wife and kids and I love kids just can't have my own. We both have talked about all of thses things and more when he was getting ready to leave. I'm ready for all that. I never pushed him to leave and never thought he was going to why I was very surprised that he even said he was going to. I never pushed him because of the whole regret and resentment thing and he thanked me for that. I have spent some nights with him and love every part of him. I'm willing to be the other woman only because of the sistuation with his kids. The kids, family both mine and his, work we did work together, and her know what has happend between us. I don't think she knows how serious it had gotten though. I feel that in a way she has a right to know. I don't see them staying together and know they don't talk about the whole thing at all. I also don't think that their relationship is good for the kids at all, they would be better off with them devorced weather I'm with him or not. I want to find a way to get him back not force or make him. To get him to see otherwise and want me back in some way. I'm only with my husband for buisness reasons and he knows that and I have been totally honest with everything at all times. He has been the one who has let me spend nights with him. At this point I want to wait for him but it is hard to wait when I love and miss him very much. I was happy with the way things were with us at the time, I knew I would have to wait tohave him to myself but was happy with having some of him and would like tohave some of him back. What can I do for some of that back? We have spent lots of time together before work at work after work and weekends I know it's not just a lust thing and we both have said that there is deffinatly something there, we just couldn't spend every night together at the time. He wants me I know that, how can I change tings now?
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

How strong are his feelings of staying until the kids are 18?

How long have you known this man?

Did he say why you can't see each other on the side anymore?

Are you willing to leave your husband and if so at what point, is it only after he leaves his wife?

Thanks

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
well his feeling on waiting until they are 18 or so, I don't really know, all I know is that he has in the past gone on dates and did the match.com thing before me. That it messed up the kids when she did it to him and he knew it was hurting the kids when we were together only because of how he felt about me and it showed. Things didn't bother him at home before because like I said it was something on the side but because I made him happy and the feelings he had for me that things were getting complicated at home. He was unhappy because he wasn't with me and started to hate her more for the cheating on him. That his feelings for me effected things at home. He said that things with us ended is because of a few things, he had gotten caught with me twice and almost three times but still kept on seeing me. I never pushed. we had tried to end things a few times but he would always miss me and come back, I always respected his decisions at the time. That because of his feelings for me that things have been complicated like I said. Once I had gotten laid of for a few reasons one being that I was having an affair with my husbans boss that we would still talk on the phone, he had a sepeate phone for me, that's how he got caught in the first place the cell phone bill, and we would email every day all day back and forth. He said that if he gets caught sleeping with me or talking or emailing me that he's done and he dosen'twant that because he thinks it will hurt the kids but that has already been done by the both of them. The damage has already been done. I have know him a little because my husband and him have been working together for about 10 years now and really got to know him while I was working there. I knew the first time I met him that there was something there other than lust. At first I figured I would sleep with him and the lust would be gone and he would be done with me because he got what he wanted and as you can see that didn't happen. He asked to see me again. Once I said I started to have feelings for him and thought it would be best if we broke things off that he had feelings for me and wanted to see where it would go because we both thought there was deffintly somethig else there other than what it had been. So I really got to know him during that time. all together its been almost 11 years that I have known him almost a year that I really got to know him. Yes I'm willing toleave my husband and have been thinking about and considering it before all of this ever happen. Now because my husband knows everything that we have talked and know that the reason for staying is for financial reasons, I can't leave right now, and to wait for him. I do care for my husband I'm just not in love with him, he wants to work things out and is very much in love with me but it is hard to try to work things out when I'm not in love with him. What to do?
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

 

 

Thank you for the additional information.

I'm not too sure you will like my thoughts on this. But keep in mind I am just being honest.

First of all what you need to do is either work on your own marriage or move on. You say you're together because of financial issues. OK, save money or whatever it is you need to do, but make plans to move on. You can't really get involved with ANYONE unless you are free. So if you will not ever love your husband again, then do what you need to do and move. You can't for a long term be involved with someone while being with someone else. Regardless of how you feel toward your husband. It's either workable or it's not. When people stay together for reasons such as money, kids, house etc. it's just a delay. And in order for you to move on with your life (if it's with this other guy or someone else) it can't be done.

There are some relationships that will work out to jump from one relationship to another, but most often they do not. Because people need down time. And then after that down time, then start back out. Otherwise you can be right back in the same situation as you are currently in.

As the saying goes, the grass is NOT greener on the other side. I know you said you have spent a few night with this other man. But spending a few night compared to living together with someone and having the daily stress of living, paying the bills, cleaning etc. is so totally different. Even people that do live together, things change down the road when they become more comfortable.

Not to mention the fact that what guarantee do you have that the new man wouldn't cheat on you some day as he is doing to his wife, his word? He made a commitment to his wife. And yet he is with you.

It does look like you have thought a lot about everything. Having a split family with his children, the ex wife etc. But I can tell you that "thinking" and "doing" are two totally different things. And having an already made family is one of the hardest relationships there are to survive in.

So if you are not happy where you are, then either make it happy and work on the relationship with your husband or find your way to move on. Even if that means you have to get a job to support yourself and live in a studio apartment for a few months. But you can't move on until you do all this.

And actually the same will have to happen with the other man. He needs to break his tie with the wife and become his own person. And then start a relationship with you, if that is where it leads.

But for him to leave his wife and kids for you, there will be regret and you already know that much. And I don't think you want to be blamed later on. So at this point, although I know it's hard and painful, let him go. If he truly loves you, then he will make the choice that is best for him.. which will either be to stay where he is at, or leave and come to you. But HE needs to make that choice. It may not feel like that is the best choice, but it really is. In the end that is.

So go ahead and figure out what you need to do with your current husband, once you figure that out, then make the commitment to do it. Which is either stay or move.

If your husband is good to you and takes care of you, then keep all that in mind when making your choice. Remember, there was a time you did love him.. go back to that time and see if it can't work. But I can tell you that it will only work if you stop thinking of the other man.

People get married, get into a rut.. the excitement is not there like it was in the beginning. But if he does love you.. then there might be something there, but you can't see it because you're thinking of this other person and we as people always tend to want what we can't have. But if there is something left at all, then you might want to try putting the energy you are putting into this "other" relationship into the relationship you do have.

But do keep in mind, you can't control the actions of the other man, but you can control yours.

So basically make sure to think "everything" through before making a move that you might regret yourself. Because once things are done.. they are done and can't be changed.

 

I really hope this helps and gives you some ideas to think over, so that you can make the best choice.

I'm here if you need anything else.

 

 

 

If you found this helpful don't forget to click the *ACCEPT* button and please take a moment to leave me *POSITIVE* feedback.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He has been a great husband and good to her until she had her affair, once that happend then things changed for him. She pushed him to get married at 19 and once they got married she went off the birth control and she got pregnant. Then did the same thing a few years later with the 2nd child. At that point he got himself fixed so that wouldn't happen again. Like I said he had been great to her untill the affair she had, not saying he was right or I right in all this either. As for me well I met my husband at 16 and now I'm 29. I had to finally after 10 years ask him what he was planning on doing with me because at 24 need to figure out what I was doing. I have gone threw him chating on me many times in the past and put up with him taking me for granted for so long. I have been doing everything for him and I mean everything to be the perfect girlfriend and wife. A friend at my husbands work had come over to say hi to him because he had shatterd his ankle and was out of work for a 2 years. This friend was the one who told us about his wife having the affair and this was about 3 or 4 month before we got married, that if I really got a chance to get to know him before I would have caught him before I got married. I feel like and know I stayed and married my husband because he was all I knew and never got to explore other options, I really wish I had. My husband has always been my best friend and that has what our relationship has been like for a very long time. The sex and everything else has not been there, no real passion between us even when we first got together. I know he loves me and would do anything for me and he even told me that he is willing to wait for me if I leave for the other man or just leave on my own. I feel that I want to leave for the reason that I was on my own for just a year and worked 3 jobs and lived in a studio appartment but never really been on my own. Another reason is that the other man had said that yes he wants to persue me very much and we talked in depth about both us leaving that neither of us had a place to go, that one of us would have to leave first. He was going to move into his boat was to late in the season to do so. That he wants to purse me but was very difficult because I was with my husband and he knew what was going on between us. I feel and might think that this has been also some of the reason for not leaving, that I'm still with my husband now, that if I left that he would second think things with us, have a place to go as well. I would in a way like to be on my own but also would like him as well. I don't know what to do now. I am very much in love with this other man and can't stop thinking about him at all wich makes it hard to even try with my husband along with the fact that I don't have the same feelings at all for him that I once did. To me there is nothing there other than friendship. But again I know he loves me and we have a wonderful home we bought in april and I would be giving up everything I have even if I leave for myself. I would leave for him and would want some down time and I have told him this when we talked about us both leaving. So what would you do in my situation? Stay because it's comfortable, easy,safe, and it's all you know and risk everything even if it's for yourself. That if I leave whether it be for myself or him we would have to sell the house and divide everything. Either way I leave for him or for myself I will have to give up everything and start from scratch. That if my husband and I decided to get back together after all that that we would have to start from scratch as well. What would you personaly do if you were in my situation?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
the other man wants me to send a note/email letting him know what is going on with me. thinking that if I leave that he might have second thoughts about us. I told him has been going on with my husband and I that I'm staying for financial reasons and want and most likely plan on moving out sometime. Even before we strated this affair we had been friends and he had been friends with my husband as well. He saw for quit some time how he treated me and he didn't like it when we were friends and really hates it now since we have had a relationship. Again that if I leave he would have second thoughts about us. I don't know what to do. What would you do in my situation?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
That in all this he has been the one pushing me not me pushing him. He has been the one to go and take things far between us not me.
Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

To a degree I was in your situation. Some things were different but still the same. Although I am happy in my current life, there are still "what ifs" there.

You really need to figure this out on your own by doing some DEEP thinking and planning. It's not an easy situation and I can't tell you "what" to do. But I can tell you that if you make a mistake you may not be able to undo it. Because some things just can't return to what it was.

Whatever you decide you need to really take into account that the other guy may not be there. So please during this time of thinking, do not take what "might" happen into this thinking process. Especially with him still involved. If you are going to move on from your husband, then you need to do it and start over. Yeah, it may be a ruff road. And you also need to take into account that the other guy may not be there (even if he said he would) there is only one person you can count on and that is yourself.

People get married at a young age, they don't know what things are like, they missed being with other people etc. it doesn't matter.. it's just people. Things are not like they were 15 years ago. Things have changed as there are so many STD's out there etc. And the economy is not the greatest right now either. So it would be hard to support yourself. However, it's not impossible.
Could you walk away from your husband and never look back? Would you miss him? Would you be sad? If you can say yes to any of them, then there is something there. The excitement has left.. which in due time you could be in the same situation with another man. Couple have to work on a relationship, especially in this day and time of our lives. Time goes by so fast.

But you can't make anything work with your husband if you don't stop thinking of this other man. So you either have to break all ties with him and focus on what you need and if it ends up being on your husband then put the energy into that. If it means being on your own, then put the energy into that as well. But regardless of what you do, you need to get things right for you. And then if the other man wants you, it will work out. But until he can leave his wife and his kids. You can't have him. And I think you are worth more than being just another mans woman that he is with on the side.

You are still young and have several years to go. But at the same time, you need to be happy and be with someone you do love. And if it's not your husband, then so be it.

Keep in mind that there are still a lot of men out there that are abusive, drunks, into drugs etc. and a good man is hard to find. When you get to a certain age and time in your life, a relationship is more about companionship. As sex is "not" what makes a relationship. You will need someone you can communicate with, someone who will be there when you need them and vice-versa.

So as much as I would love to be able to tell you how to choose, all these choices have to come from within. All I can do is try to help you see both side to what could occur. And hopefully when you make that final choice, it will be what is right for you. So try to think with your head here and not with your heart.

You say your husband is like your best friend. A good relationship starts when a couple are good friends. But if there is no love.. then that is another story. If you don't desire him and love him etc. then you should set him free so he can have that love returned and for you to pursue it as well. Especially if there is NO way you can ever love him.

You deserve to be happy, so does your husband and the other guy. But at the moment, the other guy is just that.. he's the other guy. He is married with kids and he is the one who need to decide his life. You don't need to do it for him and actually you should just leave him be until he decides for himself on what he would like to do with his life. So base your choice on your life and no one else. And once you do decide, then stick with it and make it happen.

I read your other posts as well. As far as the other man, I think you really need to let him go. But keep in mind I'm not in your shoes and I'm not living your life. But for someone looking in from the information I get from you and what the main situation is. Let the other man go. Don't talk to him.. I know it won't be easy and it may hurt and that's OK, you will heal from it. He needs to figure out his life. And you need to worry about yours.

If you continue to talk to him, it will make things harder for you. Even if you need to go away for a weekend to think everything out.. just do it. Go to a girlfriends home that is out of town, or a small hotel for a weekend, write down all the pros and cons. Make a list of things you need and want from life. Maybe even share the list with your husband, try to talk to him and see if he would try some of the things. Perhaps it's little things like open your door, bring you home a card, or a rose. It's little things most people miss vs big things.

One last thought.. sometimes a smile can mean more than a dozen roses. (I always tell my husband that)

Expert:  Lindie replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

 

I just wanted to touch base as I know we had a site upgrade in the early morning hours. Did you still need some help or concerns?

If you need anything else please feel free to ask. If you found this helpful don't forget to click the *ACCEPT* button and please take a moment to leave me *POSITIVE* feedback.

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