First of all let me say you can't "make" someone do something they don't want to do. Second, if he is in a relationship (even if he's not in love with her) he is still in a relationship that is the botXXXXX XXXXXne. It has to be his choice with no pressure from you. Because if he regrets at some point in his life, he WILL blame you. Not to mention there is a very good chance he will cheat on you as well. Every relationship, especially those that don't have the every day living stress are just wonderful. But imagine living with him and then having his kids on weekends, holidays etc. not to mention to deal with the ex wife. Especially for someone that doesn't have children. Having an already made family is one of the hardest relationships to do. Not to mention you too are married. When people jump from one person to another, it really doesn't work out well. People need what's known as "down time" time to get your life in order and live a single life again. If you are not happy with who you are with, then move on. But you are married.
Having an affair is not good for anyone involved. And it's so easy to get those strong feelings because you just know the "good" things. You don't pay bills together, you don't deal with in laws together, you don't share a bathroom, kitchen etc. he may snore, squeeze the toothpaste the wrong way. Belch too much etc.
And I'm sure if they are still together, they are having sex as well. And you only know what he tells you. He may tell his wife he loves her etc. but these are things that occur behind the door that you won't know.
So if you are serious on this, then you need to move on from your current life and start your own. And when and if he is ever ready, then he can look you up. But to make him or force him won't work and you can't force someone. They need to make the choice themselves, or regret will be there and once one regrets, then they blame. And I don't think you would want that either.
I hope this helps and gives you some thoughts to ponder.
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How strong are his feelings of staying until the kids are 18?
How long have you known this man?
Did he say why you can't see each other on the side anymore?
Are you willing to leave your husband and if so at what point, is it only after he leaves his wife? Thanks
Thank you for the additional information.
I'm not too sure you will like my thoughts on this. But keep in mind I am just being honest.
First of all what you need to do is either work on your own marriage or move on. You say you're together because of financial issues. OK, save money or whatever it is you need to do, but make plans to move on. You can't really get involved with ANYONE unless you are free. So if you will not ever love your husband again, then do what you need to do and move. You can't for a long term be involved with someone while being with someone else. Regardless of how you feel toward your husband. It's either workable or it's not. When people stay together for reasons such as money, kids, house etc. it's just a delay. And in order for you to move on with your life (if it's with this other guy or someone else) it can't be done.
There are some relationships that will work out to jump from one relationship to another, but most often they do not. Because people need down time. And then after that down time, then start back out. Otherwise you can be right back in the same situation as you are currently in.
As the saying goes, the grass is NOT greener on the other side. I know you said you have spent a few night with this other man. But spending a few night compared to living together with someone and having the daily stress of living, paying the bills, cleaning etc. is so totally different. Even people that do live together, things change down the road when they become more comfortable.
Not to mention the fact that what guarantee do you have that the new man wouldn't cheat on you some day as he is doing to his wife, his word? He made a commitment to his wife. And yet he is with you.
It does look like you have thought a lot about everything. Having a split family with his children, the ex wife etc. But I can tell you that "thinking" and "doing" are two totally different things. And having an already made family is one of the hardest relationships there are to survive in.
So if you are not happy where you are, then either make it happy and work on the relationship with your husband or find your way to move on. Even if that means you have to get a job to support yourself and live in a studio apartment for a few months. But you can't move on until you do all this.
And actually the same will have to happen with the other man. He needs to break his tie with the wife and become his own person. And then start a relationship with you, if that is where it leads.
But for him to leave his wife and kids for you, there will be regret and you already know that much. And I don't think you want to be blamed later on. So at this point, although I know it's hard and painful, let him go. If he truly loves you, then he will make the choice that is best for him.. which will either be to stay where he is at, or leave and come to you. But HE needs to make that choice. It may not feel like that is the best choice, but it really is. In the end that is.
So go ahead and figure out what you need to do with your current husband, once you figure that out, then make the commitment to do it. Which is either stay or move.
If your husband is good to you and takes care of you, then keep all that in mind when making your choice. Remember, there was a time you did love him.. go back to that time and see if it can't work. But I can tell you that it will only work if you stop thinking of the other man.
People get married, get into a rut.. the excitement is not there like it was in the beginning. But if he does love you.. then there might be something there, but you can't see it because you're thinking of this other person and we as people always tend to want what we can't have. But if there is something left at all, then you might want to try putting the energy you are putting into this "other" relationship into the relationship you do have.
But do keep in mind, you can't control the actions of the other man, but you can control yours.
So basically make sure to think "everything" through before making a move that you might regret yourself. Because once things are done.. they are done and can't be changed.
I really hope this helps and gives you some ideas to think over, so that you can make the best choice.
I'm here if you need anything else.
To a degree I was in your situation. Some things were different but still the same. Although I am happy in my current life, there are still "what ifs" there.
You really need to figure this out on your own by doing some DEEP thinking and planning. It's not an easy situation and I can't tell you "what" to do. But I can tell you that if you make a mistake you may not be able to undo it. Because some things just can't return to what it was.
Whatever you decide you need to really take into account that the other guy may not be there. So please during this time of thinking, do not take what "might" happen into this thinking process. Especially with him still involved. If you are going to move on from your husband, then you need to do it and start over. Yeah, it may be a ruff road. And you also need to take into account that the other guy may not be there (even if he said he would) there is only one person you can count on and that is yourself.
People get married at a young age, they don't know what things are like, they missed being with other people etc. it doesn't matter.. it's just people. Things are not like they were 15 years ago. Things have changed as there are so many STD's out there etc. And the economy is not the greatest right now either. So it would be hard to support yourself. However, it's not impossible. Could you walk away from your husband and never look back? Would you miss him? Would you be sad? If you can say yes to any of them, then there is something there. The excitement has left.. which in due time you could be in the same situation with another man. Couple have to work on a relationship, especially in this day and time of our lives. Time goes by so fast.
But you can't make anything work with your husband if you don't stop thinking of this other man. So you either have to break all ties with him and focus on what you need and if it ends up being on your husband then put the energy into that. If it means being on your own, then put the energy into that as well. But regardless of what you do, you need to get things right for you. And then if the other man wants you, it will work out. But until he can leave his wife and his kids. You can't have him. And I think you are worth more than being just another mans woman that he is with on the side.
You are still young and have several years to go. But at the same time, you need to be happy and be with someone you do love. And if it's not your husband, then so be it.
Keep in mind that there are still a lot of men out there that are abusive, drunks, into drugs etc. and a good man is hard to find. When you get to a certain age and time in your life, a relationship is more about companionship. As sex is "not" what makes a relationship. You will need someone you can communicate with, someone who will be there when you need them and vice-versa.
So as much as I would love to be able to tell you how to choose, all these choices have to come from within. All I can do is try to help you see both side to what could occur. And hopefully when you make that final choice, it will be what is right for you. So try to think with your head here and not with your heart.
You say your husband is like your best friend. A good relationship starts when a couple are good friends. But if there is no love.. then that is another story. If you don't desire him and love him etc. then you should set him free so he can have that love returned and for you to pursue it as well. Especially if there is NO way you can ever love him.
You deserve to be happy, so does your husband and the other guy. But at the moment, the other guy is just that.. he's the other guy. He is married with kids and he is the one who need to decide his life. You don't need to do it for him and actually you should just leave him be until he decides for himself on what he would like to do with his life. So base your choice on your life and no one else. And once you do decide, then stick with it and make it happen.
I read your other posts as well. As far as the other man, I think you really need to let him go. But keep in mind I'm not in your shoes and I'm not living your life. But for someone looking in from the information I get from you and what the main situation is. Let the other man go. Don't talk to him.. I know it won't be easy and it may hurt and that's OK, you will heal from it. He needs to figure out his life. And you need to worry about yours.
If you continue to talk to him, it will make things harder for you. Even if you need to go away for a weekend to think everything out.. just do it. Go to a girlfriends home that is out of town, or a small hotel for a weekend, write down all the pros and cons. Make a list of things you need and want from life. Maybe even share the list with your husband, try to talk to him and see if he would try some of the things. Perhaps it's little things like open your door, bring you home a card, or a rose. It's little things most people miss vs big things.
One last thought.. sometimes a smile can mean more than a dozen roses. (I always tell my husband that)