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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hello, I will get right to the point. I am in love with a ...

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Hello, I will get right to the point. I am in love with a married women and it has blind sided me, I did not see it coming. We started talking like friends because she was my nieghbor and I have became truly in love with her. I get confused by her kindness and niether of us have crossed any line to confirm a mutual attraction. My family tells me not to mess with a married woman, however I value the bond and friendship we have created. What should I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello 0909

How old are the two of you?

When/where do you talk?

Are you friendly to her husband?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hello,

Thank you for responding. I am 29 and she is 25. We would talk at my apartment and hers. We exchange movies and chat for awhile. She and I have had deep conversations alone, I would always be anxious and excited to talk with her and she would act the same way. She has expressed to me that she is not completely happy with her marriage, but it is possible she was confiding in me as a friend. She has invited me to dinner and breakfast with her and her husband on a couple of occasions. I recently moved to a house and invited them for dinner, they came and we all had a wonderful time. I try best to respect her husband and try to be friends, but he seems hesitant. His wife is so kind me, she has my heart and I believe she is an angel. I am so torn by this dilemma. I truly wish she was single. Please help me with some advice. If there are further questions, I will try and answer them as best as possible. I really love this woman. It is important for me to understand how I can best honor and respect her situation.
Sincerely, Customer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello 09,

It impresses me that you use words like honor and respect, in a way it tells me that you do have "true" feelings for her. Unfortunately the best way to honor and respect her is to not interfere with her marriage. If she is going to leave her husband, let her leave him because of their problems, not because of you. If she has not come onto you in a romantic way, you have to assume that she is simply confiding in you unless she expresses otherwise, especially since she has invited you over to eat with her and her husband. I'm not surprised her husband is hesitant, for one, you're another man around his wife. Additionally, although you may believe you are being discreet about how you feel, he may have noticed something that is causing him to be hesitant....a look, a smile, a word, something you thought was innocent, but because of how you feel may have had more meaning than you meant.

The fact is, we cannot chose the people that we love, but we can choose how we respond to that love. If it's meant to be then somewhere down the line it will happen. I hope this helps. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello Ms. Chase,

Your answer is very insightful and greatly appreciated. It breaks my heart that I love this wonderful person and that I have to keep my distance. I understand that I should not complicate her marriage. I care for her deeply and wish her to be happy. I would like to know if it is still ok for me to be friends with them. We have talked about getting together in the future and we do have stuff that we have borrowed that should be returned. They are so friendly, we have exchanged gifts and phone numbers, I really would like to remain friends and if in the future things do not work out for them then I would like to explore the option of dating her. I understand that this idea can be farfetched and unrealistic. However I do want to hold on to the hope and possibility. I appreciate your attention to my situation and I look forward to communicating with you further.
Sincerely, Customer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Optimally you should not spend any more time with her. You've already admitted that you've fallen for this woman, and it would be healthier for you to stay away from her rather than torture yourself by being around her when you know you cannot have her and the guilt you may feel from having to face her husband knowing how you feel about his wife. Additionally, being around her creates an environment where something could happen. If something does happen, her husband would never believe that this wasn't planned from the beginning by either one or both of you.

Keep in mind that if eventually her husband starts to open himself up to you and trust you, then you may become friends. What is your policy of dating your friends ex girlfriends? If you're like most people, you know its a no go. So what then?

It's time to return the borrowed things, and start putting space between the three of you. You don't have to do it all at one time and you don't really have to give a reason....when they call, just let them know you are bus or make some sort of excuse to get out of it.

On one hand, I want to say that you should tell her why you are backing off, but on the other hand, I think that could potentially open a can of worms and might be best left alone. If she has issues in her marriage, then whenever she decides to split, an opportunity may exist for you. In the meantime, perhaps you can drop them an email now and again, or call and see how they are doing, but maintaining a close friendship with them as a couple in my opinion is not only potentially dangerous but in poor taste as well.

I know you don't mean it that way, and for once I can say that you really sound like you have her best interest at heart. Unfortunately this means you get the short end of the stick emotionally, but you can walk away knowing you did the right thing, and you handled yourself like a real man. I'm here anytime you want to talk.

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello Ms Chase,
Again I appreciate your attention my situation. What you say does make sense. It feels like a tragedy that I love her and that she may possibly feel the same way. I know that she could not afford to leave her husband and it is difficult for me to express that I would be there to support her. I think she may want to know that but I find it difficult to tell her. Part of me is waiting for her to ask and if we do both care how do I know who should say that first. Again I value the friendship we created and I don’t want to turn my back on her, I have been professional in my behavior. I do understand the awkwardness it creates being single and hanging out with a couple. I am a Christian man and I do respect the union of marriage. Something I failed to tell was that she does not were her wedding ring on her finger and she has joked about divorce in front of her husband and I. She has also completely quit smoking and she said it was because of me. Something that you said does sound like a good plan and that is I should not be so close at this time but that I should keep the lines of communication open while giving them space to work out there problems (I like this idea). I live my life guided by the faith in the universe; if it is destiny that I am with her then I must detach myself from that outcome and let fate work its miracles. You have been very helpful and I believe we are working out a resolution. My family is not very sensitive about this situation. It means so much to me that I feel it is fair that I get some sensitive feedback.
I thank you kindly, Customer
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist:
I am still awaiting a response to a reply I made concerning the question I proposed. Ms Chase has been very helpful and I feel that we are about done. I am curious to what she may think about the reply I sent.
Thank you, Customer
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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